If You're Gone
by Cress
Summary: Unfinished Joey:Chandler slash, after Barbados. After a painful breakup with Rachel, Joey leaves New York and Chandler is devastated.
1. Dangerous Liaisons

**I started writing this story before season 10, so it runs in place of anything that happened there. The title is from Matchbox 20's angst-filled, yet hopeful song, "If You're Gone."**

**Things begin with a Joey/Rachel relationship, but please bear with me, because that won't last long, and it is definitely Joey/Chandler.**

So Joey did it. He risked it all to pursue a romantic relationship with Rachel, who had recently declared feelings for him. At first, Joey was hesitant, due to guilt about Ross, but then Joey remembered that Ross had given him permission to pursue Rachel before, when he first found out about Joey's crush on Rachel.

"If she is where you are, then my feelings about it shouldn't stand in the way." Ross was a great and understanding friend.

Also, Joey had recently seen Ross kissing that hot paleontologist Charlie, after she broke up with Joey. So Ross apparently was moving on from Rachel.

The rest of their friends, however, were shocked by this development, and they spoke with Joey out of concern.

Chandler protested, "So what if he gave you permission before? That doesn't make it right!"

Joey got defensive. "Hey, I thought you were my friends! Why aren't you supporting me?"

"Sweetie," Monica interrupted, trying to diffuse the situation. "He just wants to make sure you've thought this through. There's a reason why I tried to keep Rachel from telling you about her feelings. This is Ross and Rachel we're talking about. Lobsters, remember? I mean, obviously their relationship's been rocky, and they're not together right now, but chances are they will be again. We don't want you to be hurt in the process."

"I can take care of myself, and besides, it could work out with me and Rachel."

Phoebe jumped in. "Okay, well, what if it does work out? Then what? Are you still gonna be Uncle Joey to Emma, or a stepdad, or what?"

"I don't know. We'll figure something out when it comes to that. I promise that Ross will always be Emma's dad, no matter what. I respect that."

"It's wrong, it's wrong!" Chandler shouted, practically having a fit. "Don't do this, please!"

"No!" Joey refused. "You're one to talk about right and wrong, Chandler. You fooled around with my sister at my birthday party. You stole my girlfriend Kathy behind my back. Then you hooked up with Ross's sister in London, and both of you sneaked around for months, like you were ashamed."

Monica protested, "No, we--"

Joey pointed a finger at her, "Hey, back then, you didn't know that you were gonna end up in love and married and stuff. You took the risk anyway, and I helped you, even though I didn't like it. Now I'm taking a risk with Rachel, and all you guys should give us a chance. Maybe me and Rachel will be happy together."

Joey stormed out, and the friends shook their heads in frustration. They tried to have a discouraging talk with Rachel too, but she rebuffed their arguments, saying it was none of their business.

* * *

So the friends gave up and grudgingly accepted the relationship. Chandler remained upset, though, sneaking cigarettes at work and refusing to look at Joey and Rachel whenever they were together.

Ross kept dating his paleontologist girlfriend Charlie, and surprisingly, he wasn't bothered by Joey and Rachel's romance. However, he made a point to spend a lot of time with Emma, to make sure that she knew who her father was. Sharing Emma with Rachel and Joey was much like sharing Ben with Carol and Susan, and Ross was determined to stay in the lives of both his kids.

Charlie found the situation somewhat awkward. If Ross just had Ben, or just Emma, it would be one thing, but the fact that he had two kids with two ex-wives made her a little uncomfortable. She tried to rationalize to herself that his three divorces weren't that bad, and at least Ross didn't have a kid from Emily too.

Plus, Charlie had once been engaged to a guy who turned out to be gay, so she understood how Ross's divorce from Carol could shake his confidence with women and damage his relationships. She even understood when Ross confessed more about his history with Rachel, and mentioned his jealous insecurity about Mark. He insisted that he had learned his lesson and wouldn't behave that way with Charlie.

But eventually, there was a point where Charlie had enough. The more she learned about Ross and his close friends, the more she was put off. So Charlie sat Ross down and spoke gravely, "Um, I'm sorry, Ross. I don't think I can keep seeing you."

"What? Why? I told you, Rachel is all in the past."

"Except for the baby you have with her."

"Well, sure, but we're just parents now. It's no more than what I have with Carol."

"No, your history with Rachel is way more complicated than your history with Carol. And now Rachel's with Joey, who's _my_ ex-boyfriend and your friend."

"Sure, but we can move past that."

"No, I don't think so. Look, I had a talk with Joey because I was feeling a little guilty for dating him, then you, so close together. Joey said it didn't matter, because the same thing happened to him and Chandler, with a girlfriend named Kathy. Then I went to ask Chandler if that situation had been awkward at all, and he mentioned how you've dated his ex-girlfriend Janice."

Ross shrugged. "Okay, so we occasionally date each other's exes."

"And sometimes you date each other! First it was you and Rachel, and now it's Joey and Rachel. Of course, your sister and Chandler got together, and when all your friends found out, they played some prank where Phoebe tried to seduce Chandler. Plus, Joey and Phoebe have flirted and kissed, and he dated her twin sister Ursula. I mean, I could go on and on with the inappropriate incidents, and I'm surprised that Joey and Chandler have only shared a kiss."

Ross got defensive. "Hey, first of all--wait, who told you all that?"

"Phoebe told me most of it. She didn't know when to stop with the anecdotes, I guess." Charlie shuddered and found it all too creepy. "I'm sorry, but the six of you sound _much_ too close, and I'm afraid that one of these days you're all gonna fall on top of each other and have a giant orgy."

"Eww!" Ross made a face. "Like I would ever--And, and Monica's my sister! That's sick!"

Charlie got up to go. "I know, but with the way things are going with all six of you, it sounds like it could happen."

"Eww!"

"Goodbye, Ross. I really hope you get yourself out of this group before things get any weirder." She turned and left.

Ross didn't stop her, too busy trying to get the disturbing images out of his head.

* * *

**Charlie's comments about the gang being too close, and being on the verge of an orgy, is a dig at the _Friends _writers for going overboard with the contrived love triangles and love rectangles, especially in Barbados. All those couples breaking up and hooking up, with no consequences--when did this show become more about lovers than friends?**


	2. All Roads Lead to Ross

Ross quickly got over Charlie, and he didn't tell the gang what she had said about them. "Oh, we broke up because... we had some fights about some paleontology stuff. Nothing you'd be interested in."

So for now, Ross focused on the joys of spoiling his daughter Emma. He got her educational toys as well as the fluffy, frilly stuff that he'd never given to Ben.

Rachel often smiled at how cute they were together, and they kept calling each other Mommy and Daddy in front of Emma. For now, they still called Joey "Uncle Joey" too. Rachel felt happy that Ross was supportive and not jealous at all. Maybe he'd finally changed for the better.

Everything was great for a while, and Joey really surprised everyone with how sweet he was to Rachel and how ready he was to commit. (After all, he'd never been good at being faithful or serious before.) Joey defied those expectations, and he even talked about the future and settling down someday.

Then after a couple of months, Joey brought Rachel to dinner at his parents' house, to be formally introduced to all the Tribbiani relatives as his girlfriend, rather than just one of his five friends.

Rachel was nervous, and the dinner felt vaguely reminiscent of the Thanksgiving when Monica first told her parents that she was dating, let alone living with, Chandler. Except that this dinner was an Italian feast, and Rachel kept confusing Joey's numerous relatives. The confusion wasn't all on her part, though. Joey's grandparents and other older relatives kept thinking that Rachel was married to Joey, and that Emma was their baby.

"How did I miss the wedding?" they kept asking in Italian. "Did you elope?"

"No, we're not married," Joey said.

They gasped. "You mean you made this poor child a bastard? Shame on you!"

Joey eventually sorted out the misunderstanding, but it was a headache, as he didn't know that much Italian himself and had to ask other relatives to translate.

* * *

After they returned from the dinner and put Emma to bed, Rachel naturally began to think about arranging a reciprocal dinner where Joey would formally meet Rachel's parents. Actually, it would probably have to be two separate dinners, since Dr. and Mrs. Green still bickered even all these years after their divorce. Rachel realized with a laugh that Joey had once kissed Mrs. Green to distract her during Rachel's two birthday parties. How ironic.

As Rachel got into bed with Joey that night, she reminded him of the incident, and he frowned, feeling more disturbed than amused.

"Oh yeah. I forgot I did that. Weird. It's like that time Monica dated Richard's son. Or Ross kissed Chandler's mom."

Rachel laughed. "Don't worry. At least you only did it to prevent a fight between my mom and dad. You weren't hitting on her."

"But she thought I was, I'll bet!" Joey shrugged and sighed. "Let's just hope she doesn't remember it. Oh, and definitely don't tell Emma when she's older! She's gonna have a hard enough time understanding that her uncle is with her mom, without me kissing her grandma too."

Rachel grinned and teased him. "Yeah, I guess it's worse than knowing that her Uncle Joey stole Hugsy from her."

"Hey! I did not steal Hugsy from her. She stole him from me!" Joey pouted and rolled over, hugging the penguin doll close to him for security.

Joey could be so adorable sometimes. (He had eventually won the tug-of-war with Rachel by telling Ross about it, and Ross showed them a baby book that advised parents not to give stuffed animals like Hugsy to kids as young as Emma.) Joey had been happily triumphant ever since and always kept Hugsy near his bed.

Since Joey seemed in a mood to snuggle with Hugsy tonight, Rachel left him alone and thought some more about arranging the dinners with her parents.

She worried the most about presenting Joey to her father, because Dr. Green was harsh on all of Rachel's past boyfriends, especially Ross. The only guy that Dr. Green had wholly approved of was Barry, whom Rachel had left at the altar.

As she lay there in bed, Rachel started to imagine what it would be like to marry Joey. To have the traditional family that Joey's relatives were impatient for him to have. They had been waiting for years for Joey to get serious about any woman, and this seemed to be the one and only chance for him to settle down.

Rachel certainly did want to get married someday, though a lot of things would have to be worked out first, including whether to raise their kids Jewish or Catholic. Rachel would definitely enjoy planning out the wedding with the help of Monica and Phoebe. But as she imagined walking down the aisle in her beautiful dress, and the groom lifting up her veil, Rachel suddenly saw Ross's face instead of Joey's. That was silly. Rachel wasn't with Ross anymore, and hadn't been for a long time.

Rachel tried to dismiss the image and picture the wedding correctly, but Ross kept showing up as the groom. Ugh! Maybe it was just because Rachel had married Ross once, in Vegas. So Rachel tried to picture her life after the wedding, happily married to Joey and raising their kids in a big house; she smiled, until she again saw Ross's face instead of Joey's. With a gasp, Rachel abruptly realized that she was imagining their house, not somewhere in L.A., as Joey always talked about, but in Scarsdale, a place that Ross had once talked about when they were dating and first said "I love you" to each other. She couldn't believe that she could still remember that detail.

Rachel rolled over in bed and looked at Joey, who was already asleep. She snuggled up to him and tried to get her mind off of Ross, but couldn't. She found herself remembering many nights that she had spent in Ross's arms. Most of those memories were from years ago, but they somehow came back to life with startling clarity. Rachel lay awake most of the night, disturbed and confused by this resurgence of Ross in her heart.


	3. Misery Loves Company

Over the next few days, Rachel hid her feelings from Joey, hoping that they would go away, but they only grew stronger. She also avoided being around Ross whenever he came to visit Emma, but whether she saw Ross or not, he was always on her mind. She feared that she might be falling out of love with Joey and back in love with Ross.

Joey asked her what was wrong, and Rachel couldn't give him an answer. "Is it 'cause my family kept talking about us getting married? Don't worry. I know you want to focus on your career right now. I mean, so do I. I'm finally getting enough movie roles that I might not even need my _Days of Our Lives_ gig anymore."

"Yeah, honey, it's really wonderful. What's the next movie you're auditioning for?" Thus she changed the subject to his film career.

Still, Rachel couldn't hide from her emotions forever. She compared Joey and Ross in her head, trying to figure out whom she truly wanted to be with. Just like Ross's choice between Julie and Rachel, Rachel suddenly realized that Joey simply wasn't Ross. Despite how great he was, and how comfortable Rachel was with him, Joey just wasn't Ross.

Rachel decided that she needed to know what Ross felt about her, so she sat him down for a long talk. On the pretext of becoming closer friends and parents, she got them discussing their whole history--everything from the high school crush to Ross's insane jealousy, to the marriage in Vegas, to Emma. All of it was laid bare and finally resolved. They admitted to their faults, took equal responsibility for their breakups, and agreed to forgive each other about the past.

Encouraged by this unprecedented progress, Rachel suddenly kissed Ross, passionately. The spark come back, as if it were their first kiss all over again. Ross broke it off and felt terrible about betraying Joey, but Rachel insisted that they'd never have a chance like this again; they had to take it now.

So that night, Rachel broke up with Joey, and she and Emma moved back in with Ross. Heartbroken, Joey went across the hall to tell the others the news.

* * *

"Oh no!"

"You poor thing!"

With various sympathetic murmurs, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler surrounded Joey in a group hug.

"Aw, honey!" Phoebe spoke tenderly. "We're so sorry it didn't work out."

Monica asked, "You wanna cry, Joey? Or eat some ice cream?"

Phoebe suggested, "We could make you some pancakes."

"Or do you wanna get drunk and go to the strip clubs with Chandler?"

"No, no! That's Phase 2," Phoebe corrected her. "Joey, you want me to get my guitar and sing you some songs to cheer you up?"

Joey shook his head at all these offers and broke away from their embrace. He just lay down on the couch and pulled some blankets over his head.

Chandler finally spoke, sitting close and touching Joey's shoulder. "You wanna stay in our guest room tonight?"

Joey nodded and whimpered, "Yeah, can I?" He didn't want to go back to that empty apartment just now.

"Sure. You stay with us as long as you want, Joe."

Monica didn't object, but looked a bit annoyed that Chandler had offered the room without consulting her. (Monica had planned to start converting the guest room into a nursery.) Maybe Chandler had just forgot.

Chandler asked, "Phoebe, can you go get Hugsy?"

"Okay." She went across the hall, then came back with Hugsy, which Joey clutched close to him.

Monica got a box of tissues and offered them to Joey.

Chandler pushed the box away and asked Joey, "You want to go to the other room, and not cry in front of the girls?"

Joey nodded, so Chandler put his arm around him and took him into the guest room.

Phoebe and Monica sat on the couch and felt a bit useless, but they shrugged and figured that Chandler knew what Joey needed. They hung around and discussed whether either of them should go talk to Ross and Rachel about their long-awaited reunion.

* * *

In the guest room, Joey crawled into the bed and already found himself breaking down into sobs. He tried to hide under the blankets, but Chandler sat on the bed and reached for him. "Come on, I'm the wimpiest guy you know. You don't have to be embarrassed."

So Joey hugged Chandler close and cried miserably against his shoulder. "What did I do? I thought we were doing great. I thought--"

Chandler shushed him and brushed his fingers through Joey's hair. "It's not your fault. She never deserved you, Joe. She never appreciated you."

Joey didn't really believe him, but clung to him anyway. It had been two months since Chandler spent any time with him, because he stubbornly made it clear that he didn't like seeing Joey and Rachel together. Despite this recent estrangement, Joey really needed his comfort right now.

Chandler stayed with Joey for most of the night, even when Monica knocked on the door and peeked her head into the room.

"Is he--?"

Chandler waved at her to go away.

"But--"

Chandler shushed her, and just turned back to Joey, who self-consciously hid under the blankets again.

So Monica left and closed the door, wondering why Chandler wasn't exhausted and in need of a break after all these hours. Surely she could take over for a while, or at least make them a midnight snack? Bewildered, Monica shrugged and retired to bed.

* * *

Joey and Chandler wearily fell asleep together on the bed, with Hugsy nearby. Joey woke up at around 3:30 in the morning and found Chandler lying beside him.

"Chandler?" he whispered, gently shaking him.

Chandler woke up and looked at Joey with sleepy eyes.

"I'm sorry," Joey said. "You shouldn't have stayed so long."

Chandler caressed Joey's cheek. "You needed me." It was good to feel needed again.

Joey shrugged. "You can head back to Monica now. I'll be okay."

"I could stay--"

Joey insisted, "No, no, go ahead. I've got Hugsy, you know?"

Chandler reluctantly left and went to the master bedroom. He crawled into the bed with Monica and turned his back to her, just staring at the wall.

Monica woke up and looked at the clock. "Wow. That was a long night. This breakup with Rachel must be the worst thing he's ever been through."

Chandler said nothing.

Monica sat up to make sure he was still awake. "You okay, honey? You want me to rub your shoulders?"

He pulled away from her touch. "No."

Monica frowned and was worried by his bad mood, but then she remembered that she gave the worst massages, so that must be why he refused. So instead she tried to just hug and kiss him, but he resisted and pushed her off again.

"Don't touch me."

Surprised by his fierceness, Monica joked lightly, "What, did sleeping with Joey turn you off women?"

He didn't smile.

"Okay, so you don't want to joke about it."

Chandler sulked. "You want a joke? We made out and had hot, sweaty sex."

Not laughing, Monica withdrew to her side of the bed and turned away. If she hadn't been just a wall away from the guest room all night, she wouldn't have been sure that he was only joking.

Chandler sighed and wished that he wasn't joking.


	4. Running Away

In the morning, most of the gang breakfasted at Monica's apartment and asked Joey if he was feeling any better.

He grunted and shrugged.

"Do you wanna call in sick to work?" Monica suggested. "One of us could stay home with you."

"No, I'll be okay. Work will take my mind off it."

"Okay, but you just call Phoebe if you want some company. Her massage schedule is pretty light today."

Phoebe nodded. "Yeah I rescheduled some appointments last night."

No one had even mentioned Ross, Rachel, and Emma yet, and despite the fine weather, Monica had shut the drapes on the window so that Joey wouldn't have to see them reuniting as a family.

* * *

When Joey returned to his apartment with Hugsy, he couldn't stand seeing the apartment so empty, without Rachel's stuff or all the baby things. It was like she'd never lived there. He reluctantly showered and got dressed for work, hoping that his job could keep his mind off Rachel.

But at the studio, Joey remained distracted and spent a lot of time brooding in his dressing room. He wondered how and when the gang planned on bringing Ross and Rachel back into the group. There would surely be awkwardness and strained conversation for a long time, and Joey didn't know if he could bear seeing Ross and Rachel together, or if he could ever be completely happy for them. What if things could never be normal again? What if they were wrecked for good?

Impulsively, Joey decided to leave New York and move to Los Angeles, where he could start over. He shocked and angered everybody at _Days of Our Lives_ by abruptly quitting, then went home and paid off the rent.

Joey hurriedly packed his bags and wrote a goodbye note, then he took a taxicab to the petting zoo, where the chick and the duck had been living ever since Rachel's pregnancy made her unable to stand living with the birds. Joey had been regularly visiting them, though, since they still lived nearby.

Because it was November now, the birds and other animals were being kept indoors, in a modified barn. Finding the birds, Joey pet them and briefly explained that he had broken up with Rachel, so now he was leaving New York.

They were quite upset by the news, even flapping their wings in protest.

"I'm sorry. I just can't stay here anymore, and they'll be better off without me. But it's okay, because I asked Chandler to visit you guys now. Goodbye." Then he got up and left the barn sadly. He returned to his waiting taxi and headed to the airport.

* * *

Chandler came home from work early and looked around for Joey, but couldn't find him. When he checked Joey's apartment, he found the note waiting on the kitchen counter.

"You guys can say, 'I told you so' if you want. Yeah, I was stupid to think Rachel would stay with me instead of Ross. Anyway, I decided that I need to get out of here for good, and I'm sorry I messed things up so much. Chandler, can you visit the birds at the zoo for me? Just once a week. I'll tell them I'm going. And you can have the foosball table. Goodbye."

Chandler was shocked and needed to sit down. "Oh my God."

When Monica came home, she found Chandler sitting in Joey's apartment by himself. "Chandler?"

He sat there dazed and numb.

"What's wrong? Where's Joey?"

"He ran away." Chandler tossed her the note and miserably put his head down in his hands.

"Oh no!" Monica said. "Where do you think he went? Not Vermont?" Joey had talked of moving to Vermont when he first told Ross about his crush on Rachel.

Chandler didn't answer, so Monica continued her speculations. "Or maybe he went to his parents' house. We should call them to check. Oh, and I better call the rest of the gang so they can help us look for him." She started to pick up the phone.

"That bitch," Chandler suddenly said.

"What?"

"Rachel, that selfish bitch. This is all her fault."

"Chandler, how can you say that? You know she didn't do this intentionally."

"Yes she did. She's a manipulative, spoiled little bitch!"

"Hey, shut up! Maybe you need somebody to blame for this, but I'm not gonna let you call my best friend names. How would you like it if I called Joey names!"

"It's not Joey's fault! It's hers! You've told me yourself how rotten she was in high school, and she's never grown up, not even with her baby! I mean, sure, Joey got the crush on her first, and she had to turn him down. That was fine, and that was honest. But then she had to go after him in Barbados and play around with his feelings, only to stomp on his heart again. Now Joey's gone, and it's all her fault."

"Chandler!"

"I'm gonna find Joey and get him back!" He got up from the recliner and started to leave.

"Where, his parents' house?"

"I don't know. If he's in Antarctica, then I'll see you in six months."

"Chandler!"

He stormed out and slammed the door.

* * *

Chandler visited the _Days of Our Lives_ set first and asked if Joey had said anything about where he was going. He hadn't, and everyone was rather busy recasting the role of Dr. Drake Ramoray.

Chandler tried Joey's agent Estelle, but still came up empty. Then he tried the Tribbiani household, and Joey wasn't there either, so Chandler decided to go to Vermont next, but it would definitely take awhile to search the whole state. He figured he'd have to check out all the pizza and sandwich shops first.

But then Chandler remembered the birds at the petting zoo, so he made a stop there to tell the birds that he'd be gone.

"Hey guys. Long time no see. Joey said he already came by to tell you goodbye."

The birds answered with quacks and clucks, seeming to understand the gravity of the situation. Then the rooster flapped his wings questioningly.

Chandler nodded. "Yeah, he's really gone. He left a note saying I should take his place visiting you guys." There were some people at the zoo that were staring at him for talking to the birds, but Chandler shrugged it off. "I'll do that, I promise, but first I want to try to find him to bring him back. Are you guys going to be okay here?"

They expressed their agreement.

"You sure? 'Cause I don't know how long I'll be gone looking for him."

The duck quacked insistently, and the rooster crowed and scratched at the ground.

Chandler took these nonverbal communications to mean, "Go ahead. Find him," and "Good luck."

"Thanks. Oh, maybe I'll get Phoebe to visit you, if it's a really long time. You like her, right?" He petted them one more time before he got up to go. "Bye."

Then Chandler left, borrowing Monica's Porsche to drive to Vermont.

**Yes, in this story, the original chick and the duck are alive and well. I looked up some information suggesting that ducks and roosters can live for a dozen or more years when cared for well.**

* * *

**I made up the explanation about the birds living in the petting zoo to explain why they aren't in the apartment anymore. During season 7, Rachel expressed irritation with the duck for eating her face cream, and in season 8, during her pregnancy, she expressed an aversion to poultry--not just to eating it, but smelling it and being near it too. So I've assumed that she made a complaint about the live chick and the duck at that time, and that Joey sent the birds away, rather than fighting with Rachel about it.**


	5. Finding Him

For the several days that Chandler was gone, Monica kept calling his cell phone and leaving messages. Besides being worried, she was annoyed that he'd taken the Porsche and that she had to keep calling in sick for him at his work.

"Come on, Chandler, you need to come home. We can hire a private detective to find Joey, if you want, but you can't jeopardize your new career like this. Especially not when we're having a baby."

Reminded of her pregnancy, Chandler gave in and called Monica back. "All right, I'll come home." He hung up and drove back to New York, chain-smoking all the while.

Why did Monica have to get pregnant now, of all times? They were already starting to look into adoption because of their infertility, and then suddenly Monica got pregnant naturally. She and her mother must have that miracle-child-at-the-last-moment thing in common.

Chandler wanted to be happy for Monica; he really did. He ought to be happy for both of them, for their marriage, for everything. But he didn't feel strong enough to handle having a family right now, with this black hole in his life.

It wasn't fair. It had been bad enough avoiding Joey while he had been dating Rachel, but to lose him now, forever, was too much. He needed Joey to be around. Just to be near.

* * *

Monica was waiting up for Chandler that night, and when she saw him come in, she was relieved. She rushed forward to embrace her husband at the door, but stepped back when she noticed the stink on him. "Have you been smoking?"

Yeah, for two months. Why bother hiding it now? Chandler shrugged and wordlessly went into the living room, slumping onto the couch.

Monica followed him. "I know you're upset, but you shouldn't--"

Chandler picked up the phone book and began looking through the listings for private detectives.

"Chandler, you haven't said one word to me yet."

"Sorry," he said, still staring at the phone book. "I have to find Joey. Somebody--somebody has to know how to find him."

"Sure, but it's the middle of the night," she tried to take the phone book from him. "And you should get some rest after all that driving."

Chandler wouldn't let go. "I can't sleep."

"Chandler!"

"It's this, or smoking!"

She sighed grudgingly and released the book. "Fine. But don't blame me if there's no detective agency with office hours at this time of night. Just come to bed soon and get some rest." She kissed his cheek and went to their bedroom.

Chandler kept reading through the entries in the phone book, trying to decide which detective to call. Maybe he should use his computer to look up information on these various agencies. But after a while Chandler began to yawn, and he realized how exhausted he was. He turned out the lights in the living room, then went into the guest room to sleep.

Monica wondered why he didn't come to their room, but maybe he was trying not to disturb her with the stink of his cigarette smoke. She would have to make him quit in the morning, and get rid of the smell on those sheets.

* * *

Unfortunately, Chandler refused to give up his cigarettes and remained single-minded about finding a detective that could locate missing persons.

When Chandler finally hired a guy, the detective came over to interview the whole gang to learn about Joey's routine behavior, and any friends or relatives that he could hide out with. Phoebe also mentioned that Joey sometimes used the names "Hans Ramoray" and "Ken Adams."

"You mean because he doesn't want to be recognized as a soap star in public?"

"No, just on dates."

"O-kay." The detective said that a trip to Los Angeles looked likely, since Joey was an actor, but his agency would also check out the Vermont lead, just in case. Then he left to get started on the investigation.

Even though the search had been handed over to a professional, Chandler worried constantly and got very little sleep as the days and weeks passed. Phoebe offered him a massage to relax, but he refused, and Monica even offered him any kind of sex that he wanted. Chandler only responded by withdrawing from her and spending more time at his office. He still slept in the guest room and constantly smoked cigarettes, no matter how much the gang protested.

Monica was really starting to have her doubts about her husband. She asked Ross, "Is this normal? Him worrying himself sick about Joey?"

Ross wasn't sure. "I hope this is just him freaking out like he did over his parents' divorce, or my first breakup with Rachel. But if it's... you know, something else, I don't know what you're gonna do, Mon."

Monica shrugged and joked weakly, "Phoebe predicted that we'd divorce in seven years. Maybe we're getting a head start." She decided to give Chandler the benefit of the doubt, since they were having a baby, and Chandler had been known to freak out before and recover later.

After about a month, the detective located Joey and made his report. Joey was living in a hotel in L.A. under the name of Gunther Central Perk, and he had grown a beard. He kept looking for affordable apartments to rent in the area, but had no luck so far, and he had not gone out to any acting auditions lately. Much of his time was spent having food delivered to his room from the local pizzeria and sandwich shop.

Monica sighed in relief. "So now we know he's safe and sound, at least. You wanna call him, Chandler?"

"What if he hangs up? Or moves someplace else, and changes his name again?"

"That could happen, depending on how determined he is not to be found," the detective responded. "Perhaps if one of you were to fly out there and visit him--"

"I'll go," Chandler interrupted and grabbed the address from him.

Monica frowned and watched Chandler hurry to pack his bags and book a flight to Los Angeles. Clearly there was no point in arguing with her husband right now, so she just paid the detective's fee and watched him go.


	6. A Fresh Start

In L.A., Chandler checked into the same hotel as Joey, then came to his room and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Joey asked from inside.

Chandler spoke nervously. "It's me."

"Who--" but then Joey recognized the voice he hadn't heard in over a month. He peered through the peep-hole and couldn't believe his eyes. "Chandler?"

He opened the door, and Chandler sprang on him with a hug. "Joey!" Chandler clung to him as if he never wanted to let go.

Stunned and confused, Joey pulled Chandler into his room and shut the door. "What are you doing here, Chandler?"

"Finding you! I--Wow, you did grow a beard." He touched Joey's whiskers tentatively.

Joey nodded and noticed the stink on Chandler. "And you've been smoking," he frowned disapprovingly.

Chandler shrugged. "It was a long month."

Joey grunted and just sat down with Chandler on the bed. "You came all this way from New York? How did you find me?"

"I hired a detective."

"A detective? What are you wasting your money for?"

"It's my money! What did you expect me to do after you left like that, with nothing but a note?" He hit Joey on the shoulder.

Joey backed away defensively. "Hey, I needed to be on my own. I thought you'd understand that."

"Well, I don't! How could you just leave and not even say where you went? How could you abandon me like that?"

"You? It wasn't you I was leaving--"

"I know!" Chandler turned away with hurt. Staring at his feet, he shook his head and whispered resentfully, "I'm not Rachel. I'm not important."

Joey was puzzled by his reaction, until he remembered the ride-along incident a few years ago, when Joey had apparently dived to save Ross instead of Chandler; Chandler had felt jealous and snubbed.

Joey put an arm around him. "Look, Chandler, you know you're my best friend. You always will be. If I could have gone without leaving you, I would have."

Chandler pouted miserably. "Why did you have to leave at all?"

"You know, because of Rachel. I couldn't take knowing that she was with Ross now, and I realized that it would better for the whole group if I left. It's like when Kip broke up with Monica, you know? He got phased out of the group, so that means I should go too. I just thought making a quick, clean break would hurt less than getting phased out."

"But I wouldn't let them phase you out, Joe! I'd get Rachel to go--"

"No, Chandler. Then she and Ross would have to leave. I can't do that to you guys."

"I don't care if I never see Rachel again."

"Well, Monica would care! And she'd care about Ross, her brother. And Emma."

"What about what I want? What about you and me, Joey?" He swallowed. "I--I thought we were gonna always be together."

Joey nodded sadly. "I know. I'm sorry." He squeezed Chandler's shoulder and offered, "Look, maybe when things settle down, and I get to working again, you can come visit me sometimes."

"Sometimes!" Chandler scoffed, knowing how rare it would be that he could fly out to L.A. It would get even worse once the baby was born. "Just come back to New York, Joe. Please!"

"No, you guys can all live without me--"

"Not me! I can't!"

Joey blinked, having never seen Chandler get so emotional. "No, don't say that. I mean, yeah, it's tough right now, but it's like when you first moved out, or when you had to commute to Tulsa all the time. You've got Monica and everybody, and soon you'll be busy with your baby too. You'll get used to it."

"No, I won't! I don't want to. I just, I want everything to go back to the way it was."

"I know, but it can't." Joey shrugged. "The gang had to break up eventually, you know. I'm just starting it."

There was a silence, and Chandler knew how right Joey was. Their group of six were lucky to have lasted even this long.

Chandler said quietly, "It--it isn't fair. Why does Rachel get to do whatever she wants and other people suffer? It's not like," he swallowed, "it's not like you and me were dating, and broke up."

Joey looked rather amused by that hypothetical scenario. "Huh. Can you imagine that? You and me?"

Chandler said nothing.

Getting serious again, Joey sighed and tried to be firm. "I know it sucks, Chandler, but it's for the best."

"No!" Chandler moaned. "It's the worst--the worst thing that could ever happen! I hate this! I--" Unable to hold back anymore, he started to cry.

Joey was shocked. "Hey, hey!" He hugged Chandler close and tried to soothe him. "It's okay. Shh. Calm down."

After Chandler's tears subsided, Joey rubbed his back comfortingly and said, "I hate this too, Chandler. I miss you, and I hate knowing that I'm not gonna be there when your kid's born. I really wanted to see that."

Chandler clung to him. "Then come home with me. Please!"

Joey shook his head. "No, I'm staying here."

"Why! Why do you have to be so far away?"

"Because I wanna make a fresh start."

"But you can do that in New York! It's a big city. Just get another apartment further away, or stay with your family for a while. You'd never have to see Ross or Rachel, I swear."

"No, it's not just that, Chandler. I need some time alone to think, and move on, and figure out what's wrong with me."

"Nothing's wrong with you."

"Then why am I not good enough for Rachel, huh? Or Charlie? I can't believe I've lost two women to Ross! And there's been other girls that I liked and thought about getting serious with, but they left me too. Like Erin and Kathy. And Kate--remember Kate? She went to L.A. for some job, right when we were starting to fall in love. I always wondered what would've happened if she'd stayed, like Phoebe wondered about her scientist guy, David."

"So, so you're trying to find Kate?" Chandler asked, watching his eyes.

Joey shrugged. "Yeah, maybe. After I figure out my problem, though. I mean, I know part of it is probably how many girls I've slept with. Nobody thinks that I can settle down for good, no matter what I do or say. I just think that if I start over in L.A., where I don't have a reputation already, maybe I could find some woman who'll give me a chance."

Chandler sighed in defeat. "Yeah, that--that makes sense."

Joey was glad that he understood. "So I'm staying here, okay?"

"Okay." Chandler swallowed sadly and hugged him close again. "I'm gonna miss you!"

"I'll miss you too."

Chandler didn't want to let go. "Would it--would it be all right if I call you?"

Joey nodded. "Sure. Yeah, maybe I could use your advice about how to keep a girl."

"I guess." Chandler frowned, already depressed at the thought of going home to Monica. But he wanted Joey to be happy. He really did.

Joey sat back and asked, "Hey, what do you think of my beard, Chandler? Do you think it makes me look mature and serious?"

Chandler shrugged and touched it again. "It's... different. I just, I never thought you needed to change anything, Joe. If a girl is gonna love you, it should be for who you are, you know?"

Joey nodded. "I know. I'm not gonna change everything about me. I just, I wanna try new things for a while. Like when you had that goatee. Remember?"

"Yeah."

"Plus, it's just easier not shaving all the time, and it keeps people from recognizing me."

"Is that why you're using a fake name?"

Joey nodded. "Yeah, I didn't want fans bugging me for autographs, or those gossip reporters finding me before I was ready to go on auditions again. Have you seen how they all say that I quit _Days of Our Lives_ because I wanted to go work on my movie career? I thought I'd spite them for a bit."

"Oh."

Joey looked remorseful as he remembered all the gossip reports that he'd seen on those entertainment news programs. "Hey, can you tell everybody back home that I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly? I didn't realize that those reporters would keep trying to interview you guys for hints about where I went."

Chandler shrugged. "Phoebe liked being mysterious about your disappearance, and it gave us something to do besides worry about you."

"You were really worried?" Joey asked.

"Yeah," Chandler nodded. "We miss you, Joey. We love you."

Joey squeezed Chandler's shoulder and said, "Same here."

Chandler got up from the bed. "I guess I'll go back to my room now."

"Your room? You're staying here?"

"Yeah, I'm in room 420. I guess now that I've talked to you, I'll catch a flight back to New York tomorrow."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you can't stay too long. It was good to see you again."

"Yeah, um, same here." Chandler looked longingly at Joey before he turned toward the door.

"Wait," Joey stopped him. "What's the rush? You came all this way, you know, and maybe we could hang out tonight."

"Really?" Chandler looked hopeful.

"Sure. Have you had dinner yet? We could order something."

"Okay." Chandler came back and sat down on the bed again.


	7. Love and Friendship

Joey picked up the phone and ordered some food and drinks for them. Then he hung up and said, "So tell me what's going on in New York."

Chandler shrugged. "Um, well, the birds are doing great, but they miss you. Phoebe and Monica have been busy fending off those gossip reporters, you know. We, um, we bribed Mr. Treeger not to look for somebody new to rent your apartment yet."

"You did?" Joey blinked. "You shouldn't have done that."

Chandler shrugged sadly. "I thought I could get you to come home."

Joey changed the subject. "Hey, when did you start smoking again, Chandler? It wasn't just 'cause I left?"

Chandler hesitated, then confessed, "No, um, I actually started when you were dating Rachel. I-I snuck cigarettes at work and hid the smell with lots of air freshener and extra clothes at the office."

Joey was shocked. "What! How could you?"

He stared shamefully at his feet. "I just, I had an awful feeling about it. That it wouldn't work out, and you'd be hurt." That was a half truth. Chandler had been equally nauseous at the idea that it _would_ work out, and that Joey would stay with Rachel for good, forcing Chandler to either accept it or never see Joey again. With any other woman, Chandler would have been far more tolerant, but with Rachel, it was just too close to home. It reminded Chandler of the fact that Joey would never, ever love him that way.

Joey was annoyed by Chandler's lack of faith in his relationship with Rachel, but he sighed and shrugged it off. Instead, he pressed Chandler's hand. "Promise me something, Chandler. When you get back home, you'll stop smoking, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered, but wasn't sure that he could keep the promise. He'd been smoking for months now, and the addiction felt stronger than ever.

Joey recognized the uncertainty in his eyes. "Come on, Chandler! You have to try. Monica's gonna have a baby, and it shouldn't be breathing all that smoke from you."

"I'll try."

"Good, and I'll call you to check up on you. Everybody else should help too."

"Will you call every day?"

"Sure. If you need me to."

"I do." Maybe a brief contact with Joey every day would strengthen his resolve.

After the food and drinks arrived, they talked about what Joey had been doing for the past month besides growing a beard and looking for an apartment.

Joey shrugged, "You know, getting over Rachel. Thinking about her and Ross and Emma. I watched Days of Our Lives to see the new actor they got to play Drake, then I saw those gossip reports on 'Why did Joey Tribbiani quit and disappear?' It was weird, seeing them make a big deal about it."

"Well, you pissed off a lot of people at _Days of Our Lives_. And Phoebe kept drawing out the mystery instead of saying anything about Rachel."

"Yeah, I guess so."

They discussed Joey's past girlfriends and all the mistakes he'd made with women. Joey wondered whether he took after his dad too much, with his inability to settle down with just one woman.

"Well, you weren't ready yet," Chandler said. "But with Rachel, um, you showed you could commit, for the right woman." It hurt to think about it, and he craved a cigarette to dispel the image of Joey touching Rachel, and telling her that he loved her.

Trembling a bit, Chandler made an excuse to go. "It's late. I should let you sleep." He started to get up and leave for his own room.

"No." Joey stopped him again, sensing that Chandler was sneaking off to smoke. "I've got two beds, you know. You can stay the night."

Chandler sat down hesitantly, thinking about the last time they'd spent a night together. Not that Joey would share a bed with him this time, let alone cry in his arms, but at least they'd be in the same room. He could stay awake and watch Joey sleeping maybe.

So they kept talking and drinking for a while, then they watched some TV to take Chandler's mind off his nicotine craving.

Joey still hadn't asked Chandler to move to the other bed, so they remained beside each other, leaning back against the pillows. As the night wore on, Chandler grew accustomed to Joey's beard and kept stroking it fondly.

Joey found this weird but amusing. "What? You jealous 'cause you can't grow one as nice as this?"

"No," Chandler shook his head and just stared at him instead of the TV. He wanted to memorize his face and savor this last night with him. Touching the beard again, Chandler whispered drunkenly, "It's--it's sexy."

"Sexy?" Joey blinked and turned to look at him. He shrugged. "Oh yeah, I guess some girls think so. They flirt with me, but I haven't been interested in anybody new yet."

Chandler loved the feel of his beard. Wondered what it would feel like if Joey kissed him. But he wouldn't. Not unless some New Year's party intervened.

Joey finally brushed Chandler's hand away and sat up again. He turned off the TV and sighed, tossing down the remote. "I miss Rachel. I think about what she'd think of my beard, you know? Or maybe Emma would grab at it with her little fingers."

Chandler swallowed and looked away. There went another fantasy, spoiled by Rachel.

Joey continued sadly, "I really wanted a family, you know? Just to be happy and settle down this time. Have kids calling me Daddy, and a wife calling me Honey. Everything perfect."

After a moment, Chandler managed to speak, "You'll find that, Joe. With someone else."

"What if I don't? What if there's no one after Rachel, and I just end up alone?"

"That won't happen! And even if it does, you--you can always come back to New York."

"What, and hang around all you married guys? How pathetic would that be, by myself, with no family of my own?"

Chandler frowned and said softly, "But you'd be part of our family. We love you, Joe."

Joey shrugged. "I know, but it's not the kind of love I need right now."

"But I love you," Chandler whispered.

Joey squeezed his hand and half smiled, regarding it as only an overly sentimental comment made by a drunk friend. "Sure, but it's not enough anymore."

"No," Chandler moaned, "I love you! I really--" He impulsively kissed Joey's lips.

Stunned, Joey blinked and stared at him. "You love me?"

Realizing what he'd done, Chandler backed away and stumbled toward the other bed. He ended up on the floor, feeling vulnerable and ridiculous.

Joey sat down with him and tried to turn Chandler around to face him. "You're serious? This isn't some joke?"

Chandler laughed a hollow, unhappy laugh. "Yeah, funniest joke of the year." He buried his face in the mattress and started to sob.

"Hey!" Joey pulled him close and hushed him. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Hey, shh. It's just, we've been joking about it for so long--you being gay. I'm sorry." He brushed his fingers through Chandler's hair.

Somewhat soothed, Chandler clung to Joey's arms and slowly quieted down.

There was an awkward moment as they tried to figure out what to do or say next. Joey finally ventured, "So, um, you mean it? You love me?"

Chandler nodded and whimpered, afraid that Joey would become uncomfortable and send him back to his room. Probably never want to speak to him again.

Joey just sat there, still holding him and trying to absorb this revelation. "When--when did this happen?" he asked, then guessed, "When you started smoking again?"

Chandler shook his head, "No, it was a long time ago. More like, when we lived together."

Joey's eyes widened in shock. "That long?"

Chandler nodded. "Why, why do you think I hated you being with Rachel so much? I was jealous 'cause you fell in love with her, and not me." He shrugged miserably. "Not that I ever had a chance anyway..."

Joey frowned. "You mean, all these years, it wasn't just a joke? You were--? Wait, what about Monica?"

"She's not you. She's just--" He swallowed and shrugged, "It's like Monica said once: 'We're not destined to be together. We just try really hard.'" (He was paraphrasing her words from the time that she said she didn't believe in soul mates.)

Joey was horrified to hear this great romance and marriage summed up like that. He had looked on Monica and Chandler's relationship as true love for a long time. "But--but you got married. You're having a baby!"

"I know!" Chandler tried to explain it more clearly, "It's just, it's just when you kissed me at that New Year's party, I hoped for a while that maybe someday you might love me too. But year after year, sharing that bedroom wall with you, I--I realized that you were completely straight. So I gave up, and I hooked up with Monica in London, and you know the rest."

"Whoa!" Joey's head whirled as he recalled the past several years in a whole new light. "Does, does Monica know?"

"No, why tell her? I mean, if she doesn't believe in soul mates either, if somebody--maybe Richard--made her stop believing too, why would she care? She thinks I'm good enough to settle for. We're safe and comfortable."

Joey felt shocked and depressed. First he'd found out his dad had a mistress, now Chandler was only going through the motions with his wife. Nothing seemed to be as happy and ideal as on the surface.


	8. Shattered Illusions

Joey swallowed and tried to grasp the fact that his best friends' marriage was based on a lie. "But if you love me--"

"What?" Chandler asked. "Leave her and not give her the family she wants? Leave her for what? You're straight, and we're just friends, Joe. That's all we'll ever be."

Joey frowned, feeling terrible that he had been the minister that married them, without a suspicion that they weren't sincere. Maybe Chandler's cold feet ought to have been a clue. "Why--why didn't you ever tell me this before, Chandler?"

"Tell you?" Chandler snorted at the absurdity. "How? Why? I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or scare you away." He was still afraid that Joey was going to push him away any second now.

Joey shook his head. "You wouldn't have, Chandler. Don't you remember when I first moved in? I said I was okay with the gay thing. I'm still okay with it."

Chandler scoffed. "Are you okay with me loving you?"

Taking a breath, Joey nodded and hugged him closer. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay with it."

Chandler raised his head from Joey's shoulder's and met his eyes doubtfully. "Really?"

"Yeah," Joey said and caressed his cheek. "See, I--I know what it's like to love somebody you can't have."

They were silent for a moment, and Chandler became depressed from thinking about Joey loving Rachel. Why her, of all people?

Joey watched his eyes and asked softly, "Does it--does it hurt a lot?"

Chandler swallowed and whispered, "Some days are harder than others. That night when we were sleeping in the guest room, I wanted so badly to stay with you. To just kiss you and hold you, and... But then I came to my senses."

Joey looked at him with pity. "Chandler, I never meant to hurt you. Not like this. Not after Rachel--"

Chandler winced at her name and pulled out of his arms. "You didn't know. You just--" He shrugged helplessly. "We're friends." He turned and started to get up, grabbing onto the bed to help steady him. "I'll go back to my room."

"Chandler!" Joey got up from the floor too and stopped him. "Wait, let's talk about this."

"No, I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"But you did."

"I shouldn't have," Chandler insisted. Looking mournful, he said to Joey, "Goodbye. Good luck with finding Kate. I-I hope you're happy together. I really do."

Joey still wouldn't let him pull away. "Chandler, stop talking like that. We're still friends. We're not saying goodbye forever."

"We're not?"

Joey answered quietly, "No, we're not."

"But I thought--" Chandler stared at him. "You know, you're staying here, and I'm going back to New York."

"Yeah, but we're still calling each other, right? Every day."

Chandler shrugged. He thought all such promises would be revoked now that Joey knew of his secret love.

"We're still friends," Joey repeated firmly. "Come here." He pulled Chandler to sit down with him on the bed again.

Chandler felt weird about it now, and wasn't sure what to say.

Joey sighed. "I thought you and Monica were happy. I thought--God, I must be wrong about everything. Everything's upside down now."

"I'm sorry I told you." He didn't want to make Joey upset.

"No, no, don't apologize for that. I-I needed to hear the truth." Joey frowned and calculated the years gone by. "You've loved me for, what, ten years? And you never said anything? I thought Ross waited a long time with Rachel, but--Wow!"

"It's not like, it's not like you could love me too. You're not gay. If I couldn't be with you, I just, I just needed to be friends. To be near you."

"And that's why you wanted me to come back to New York?"

Chandler nodded and bit his lip. "But I do, I do want you to be happy, Joe. You should settle down with some girl. Have lots of kids."

"You should be happy too," Joey said. "You and Monica. I always thought you were happy. You shouldn't be moping about me."

"I can't help it," Chandler shook his head. "I love you. Being with her never--it just never changed the way I feel about you."

"But what about your baby? How's it gonna feel, growing up in a house where the parents don't love each other?"

Chandler shrugged. "The kid won't know. I never knew what was wrong with my parents until that Thanksgiving they announced the divorce. I thought it was normal seeing them bicker and sneak around with other guys. Besides, me and Monica don't fight like that, and we're not cheating. We're just... settling."

Joey still found the marriage troubling. "But if she doesn't love you--if she's still hung up on Richard, like you said, she should go back to him. They could be happy together, and you--"

"What?" Chandler waited.

Joey realized that he didn't know how to finish that sentence. He wanted to think that Chandler could fall in love with someone else and be happy, but if he'd been in love with Joey for ten years, and if an apparently happy romance with Monica hadn't changed things, what hope was there?

Chandler sighed and suggested, "I could be alone. Your pathetic single friend hanging around you and your family. But maybe your wife would notice me being in love with you, and she wouldn't be comfortable having me around."

Joey frowned and caressed his cheek sadly. "I'm sorry."

"You can't help it. If you don't love me, you don't." Chandler swallowed and turned away to hide the tears that were creeping back into his eyes.

Joey reached to hold him again, but Chandler tried to push him away.

"No, don't--"

Joey insisted. "Chandler, if I can't love you, I can at least be here for you. Come here." He hugged him close.

Chandler protested, "What? Did Rachel hold you after she rejected you the first time?"

Joey nodded. "She did. We hugged at the restaurant table. Completely missed dinner and had to be kicked out."

Chandler struggled, but finally gave up, too exhausted and drunk to be strong. He broke down into tears and clung to Joey.

Joey never let him go, and after a while, they fell asleep together.


	9. The Problem with Rachel

In the morning, Chandler woke up in Joey's arms on the bed, and he was amazed that he hadn't dreamed it all.

Why would Joey want to hold him all night? Why would he want to be in the same room, let alone the same bed, knowing that Chandler was desperately in love with him?

Joey hadn't held him all night even when he was the one crying, one month ago in the guest room. He had sent Chandler back to his wife, with the assumption that Chandler would be happier with her. Perhaps Joey had also wanted to be strong and macho, to show that he could do fine with just Hugsy.

Whatever the reason, Chandler was here now in Joey's arms. He could enjoy his musky smell, feel his scratchy beard, and memorize this moment for when he was back in New York. If only he could take a picture of this, and preserve every detail so that he could relive it in his dreams for the rest of his life.

"I love you," he whispered, then kissed Joey's lips very lightly before he pulled away. If he stayed too long, who knew what else he might be tempted to do?

Chandler got out of bed and went into the bathroom to clean up. When he returned, Joey was awake and sitting up.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked, still looking concerned.

Chandler nodded. "Thank you--thank you for not hating me. Thank you for everything."

"You're my best friend." He smiled softly as he recalled Chandler's words from that night in the guest room. "You needed me."

"Yeah." Chandler sat down to put on his shoes and socks again. (He and Joey had partially undressed last night to make themselves comfortable. Besides footwear, Chandler had taken off his jacket and tie.) He hurried to restore himself to a decent appearance so that he could go back to his room and get ready to leave for New York again.

Joey came and sat beside him. "What time's your flight?" He was thinking about driving with him to the airport.

Chandler shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'll go to the airport and buy a ticket on the first plane for New York."

Joey was confused. "Wait, you didn't have a return ticket already?"

Chandler shook his head. "No, I didn't know how long it would take to convince you to come home. I thought maybe you'd just keep saying that you didn't want to see Rachel again, and I had to convince you that you could find some other place in New York to live. Maybe I'd need to stay the weekend or longer. I brought a week's worth of clothes."

"Oh." Joey wrinkled his brow. "So how come you gave up so easy last night?"

"I didn't give up easy. I just gave up because you said it wasn't about Rachel. You were gonna stay here and find someone else."

"It makes that much of a difference, me loving Rachel or someone else?"

Chandler nodded and explained, "I told you. I want you to be happy, Joe." He scoffed at how noble that sounded. "But then I go and blow it by trying to interfere with you and Rachel! I know it's selfish and irrational, but I just _hate_ you being with her. I can't help thinking, 'If you can fall in love with one of your friends, why the hell can't it be me?' It's no use telling myself that you're just not gay. My heart won't listen to that. Not when it's Rachel."

"So you want me with anyone but her?" Joey blinked and tried to understand it.

"There's no logic in it!" Chandler told him. "I mean, you were completely right before, Joey. I was out of line, I shouldn't tell you who to love, and I should support you no matter who the woman is. But somehow, with her--!" He groaned miserably. "I guess it's because Rachel came from a rich family like me, and her parents divorced too, and she was your roommate. It just reminded me too much of myself."

Joey frowned and put his arm around Chandler. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that." Now that he thought about it, Chandler and Rachel did have some things in common. Of course, Chandler's parents had divorced much earlier, which had a profound impact on his personality. "I didn't see."

"You weren't looking for it," Chandler said. "This is--this is what happens to your brain when you hopelessly love somebody for too long. You grasp at straws trying to be with him."

Joey hugged him close again. "Now I get why you acted like that. Why you hated seeing us together." He shrugged. "I thought you were just looking out for Ross, because everybody thinks she and him are lobsters."

Chandler shook his head. "I don't believe in lobsters anymore. Soul mates. If there were any such thing, you'd be mine."

Joey brushed his hair and looked into his eyes. "Chandler, if I was gay--"

"No, no!" Chandler pulled out of his arms and choked back a sob. "Don't--don't say anything like that. Don't get my hopes up. Never say anything like that unless you mean it. Unless you're gonna kiss me and tell me to leave my wife. Never, _never_ say that!"

So Joey shut up and just looked at him, feeling terrible. He wanted to be gentle and caressing and kind, but he realized that would only be cruel. He had to remember how it had felt being around Rachel the first time he'd told her he loved her. No encouragement was less painful than having someone lead you on.

Chandler sniffled and reached for some tissues. He needed a while to compose himself.

Joey got up and got dressed too. When he returned from the bathroom, he sat down with Chandler again. "Do you want me to come with you to the airport?"

"No, 'cause maybe I'll break down again at the gate, when I have to say goodbye to you. I should just, I should go by myself."

"All right." Joey sighed. "But do you wanna have breakfast with me first?"

"No, I can't eat anything now. I'll just get some coffee and go get my stuff from my room. Then I'll catch a cab to the airport."

"So we should say goodbye now?"

Chandler nodded and hugged Joey tentatively. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye." Joey lingered and squeezed his shoulders. "I'm still gonna call you, okay? You have to quit smoking."

"I know." Chandler sighed heavily. "I got through last night without a cigarette."

"Keep it up," Joey said. "Stay strong. And when you see Monica--"

Chandler waited for him to continue, but he didn't. "What? You want me to tell her that we're both settling? Not just her?"

Joey sighed and felt out of his depth. "I don't know. I can't believe that she doesn't love you. I mean, whenever I saw you two together... But I guess I didn't know about you, either. If I saw her now and knew this, maybe I could tell. It just--it just doesn't seem right."

"I know," Chandler agreed with him, "but it's the best I can do." He let go of Joey reluctantly and turned to leave.

When he was at the door, Joey rushed over to hug him one last time. "Goodbye."

Chandler closed his eyes and savored the embrace. "Goodbye," he whispered in return. Then he turned the doorknob and slipped out of Joey's arms.

Joey stood in the doorway and watched him go.


	10. Going Home

So Chandler returned to New York alone, feeling lonely yet relieved. It seemed as though a huge burden had been lifted off his shoulders with his confession, and at least Joey had not totally rejected him. They were still friends, and Joey cared enough about him to worry about his health and happiness.

Chandler wondered how he could survive, knowing that he'd never see Joey face to face again. Knowing that the most he'd get would be a daily phone call to make sure that he wasn't smoking. Maybe an occasional update on whether Joey had found somebody new to love.

In London, Chandler had slept with Monica to try to move on from Joey (who was seducing a bridesmaid at that time). But there was no use in that. He loved Joey, and always would. So Chandler just did his best to make Monica happy in their relationship, and to learn how to commit to her. He'd even married her and agreed to give her a baby.

But having Joey around helped Chandler withstand Monica's bossiness and other unpleasant qualities. (Such as her tendency to forget that she had a husband, when he was away in Tulsa, or even at a damn play.) Joey was the sweet and pleasant buffer that made his life bearable, and he'd always hoped that when he and Monica moved to a house in the suburbs that Joey would come with them, either as a bachelor living in an apartment over their garage, or as a married man living in a neighboring house with his own family.

Sadly, that dream seemed unlikely now, and Chandler had to learn to live on phone calls, and the memory of one wonderful night in his arms.

* * *

Back in New York, Chandler informed the gang at his apartment that Joey was okay, but not coming home. "He says he's sorry for leaving us so suddenly, but he didn't want to get phased out slowly like Kip."

"Oh, Kip!" Rachel nodded knowingly. She too had feared getting phased out once, during the aftermath of Ross's marriage to Emily.

Chandler still hated Rachel, and wished that she was indeed getting phased out. But he bit his lip and shrugged. "Anyway, Joey said he's gonna stay in L.A. to get over the breakup and find someone else to fall in love with."

"Well that's good," Ross said. "At least he's not pining away. Did you tell him how terrible we still feel about hurting him? And how much we miss him?"

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, and Emma sure misses her Uncle Joey, doesn't she? Doesn't she?" She played with Emma on her lap and spoke in that annoying baby talk voice.

Chandler was disgusted with her, and wondered if she'd ever really loved Joey or if it was only lust combined with her fear of having to raise Emma alone, since she and Ross weren't going anywhere at the time. Chandler could never actually say this theory out loud, of course.

"Chandler?" Ross prompted, since he hadn't spoken for a bit. With a glance at Monica, he asked Chandler, "Are you okay with Joey staying in L.A.? You're not, um, upset or anything?"

Chandler shrugged. "No. It's what he wants. I was worried, and missing him, and..." He cleared his throat and changed the subject. "If, uh, if any of you guys have noticed my trembling a little bit, it's because I'm trying to quit smoking now."

"Oh really?" Phoebe asked.

Chandler said, "Yeah, um, Joey told me that I should quit, and I haven't had a cigarette since I checked into the hotel. So, um, if you guys could help me out for how ever long it takes to kick the habit again, I'd appreciate it."

"Oh, of course!"

"Finally!"

"We were getting worried about you and those cancer sticks."

They quickly offered him the latest nicotine patches and gum, as if they'd been carrying them about for weeks, not sure how to get Chandler to listen to them. Rachel also pulled out a hypnosis tape, saying, "Now this time, I checked and made sure that it said, "man" not "woman".

Chandler thanked them all, then got up and went to put his bags into the master bedroom. Monica followed him and shut the door. "Does this mean you're not staying in the guest room anymore?"

"Oh, um, I'm sorry about that, Mon. It's just, you know, you're pregnant and shouldn't be breathing in the smoke."

Was that the only reason? Monica still had her doubts. "So Joey convinced you to quit, huh?"

Chandler nodded and began unpacking. "Yeah, and he's gonna call to check on me too. He's--he's still my friend," he said, more to himself than to her.

"Of course he is."

"Anyway, you still want to turn the guest room into a nursery, right? Because I guess I could help out with that and get some distraction from this nicotine withdrawal."

"That would be good," Monica said. She came forward slowly and hugged him tenderly. He didn't pull away, like he had been doing a lot lately, and she felt relieved. Maybe she'd been worried for nothing. Maybe their sex life would go back to normal.

Chandler just closed his eyes and sighed. He pretended that Joey was touching him and comforting him again. If he focused enough, he could pretend that Monica was Joey when they had sex, and that would bring him some small comfort. It wasn't perfect, but it was the best he could do.

* * *

Later, Chandler visited the birds at the zoo and told them the news as well. "I found Joey."

The rooster crowed as if to say, "Hooray!"

The duck quacked, "Why do you look so sad?"

"He's not gonna come home."

They expressed their disappointment and asked why.

"Well, he wants to get over Rachel and find some other woman to settle down with."

"Rachel, Schmachel! It's you he loves."

"No, he doesn't. Not like that."

The duck waddled around skeptically. "Come on! Rachel is just another name for Chandler. All it's missing is the N and the D."

"No, no! That's just dumb word games. Tricks my mind plays on me. Like me talking to you guys."

They indignantly quacked and clucked some more, but Chandler got up and left in a hurry. Maybe he was going crazy from heartbreak and lack of nicotine. Maybe he should delegate these weekly visits to Phoebe, at least until he was cured of the smoking.

If only there was a cure for unrequited love as well.


	11. To Be Near You

Over the next couple of weeks, Chandler hid how miserable he was from Monica and the others. He missed Joey desperately, and blamed his insomnia and trembling on his nicotine withdrawal. As promised, Chandler helped Monica convert the guest room into a nursery by painting the room and assembling the baby furniture--a crib, a changing table, shelves. Monica was more adept with the tools than Chandler was, but he did his best to assist, and she took it as an encouraging sign that he wanted to focus on their baby and their future together.

In actuality, Chandler was thinking of the past. He was remembering the time that Joey had built an entertainment center and sliced Chandler's door in half with a power saw. If only Joey were here now. If only they could preserve the guest room the way it was when Joey slept here with him. But that was not to be, and Chandler resigned himself to his lonely fate.

At least Joey called him daily, with his voice always full of concern. Chandler would cling to his voice and stare at a photo of Joey that he kept hidden in his desk at work. He wished that he had a more recent picture of Joey with a beard, and he even asked Joey when he was going to go back to auditions, and would he shave his beard or take new head shots?

Joey replied, "I don't know. Are you okay, Chandler? Really okay?"

Okay? How okay could he be, with the love of his life thousands of miles away? "I love you," he whispered.

A pause. "I know."

There was a silence, then Chandler changed the subject. "So, um, did you meet any nice girls today?"

"You sure you want to hear about that?"

"Yes. Did you find Kate yet? You could hire a detective maybe."

Joey said he wasn't in a hurry and needed to save money.

So they talked daily, trying to maintain a balance between their friendship and Chandler's occasional need to repeat that he loved Joey.

At home, when he was in bed with Monica, Chandler would always think of Joey and try to remember his voice and his touch so that he could pretend. Of course, he had to be careful, and catch himself from saying Joey's name. He'd had many years of practice, though.

Sometimes he wondered about Monica and Richard. If she still loved that big tree, shouldn't Chandler let her go like Joey said? But every time he brought up Richard's name, she just thought he was being jealous and would insist that she loved Chandler.

Chandler speculated that she was afraid that Richard wouldn't take her back now, that he hadn't truly meant what he said about wanting babies, and that he wouldn't accept another man's kid as his own. Maybe she was just too afraid, and their marriage was too safe and comfortable.

* * *

Then, suddenly, something quite unexpected happened. Joey called Chandler one day and announced, "I'm coming back to New York."

"You're what?" He was stunned and breathless.

Joey repeated, "I'm coming home. I'm just, I'm so worried about you and Monica. I can't take it anymore. I need to see for myself whether she loves you or not."

"She doesn't," he said matter-of-factly.

"Chandler! Stop arguing with me. Maybe you're seeing things that aren't there."

"And if I am? Then what?"

"I don't know," he sighed. "I'll figure it out when I get there. I just have to make sure that I don't run into Ross or Rachel, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. I can tell them to stay away."

"Thank you. Oh, and I'm gonna need a new apartment, so if you could help me out..."

"Sure. Monica knows some contacts. But if you're getting an apartment, does that mean you'll be here a while?"

"Yeah," Joey said. "I'm--I'm coming back to stay, actually. I mean, all my family's in New York, and after being out here in L.A., I don't like it that much. And I should make it up to all those showbiz people I pissed off."

"Sure." He was happy that Joey was coming home, for whatever reasons.

"Anyway, I don't want to wait until you find me an apartment. I'm gonna catch a flight this afternoon, and I'll stay with my sister Cookie for now."

"Okay. When do you get here? Should I pick you up from the airport?"

"No, Cookie will get me, and then we'll probably go say hi to my parents and sisters and everybody. I'll call you guys when I can come over to your place. Is it okay if we meet for coffee or something, after dinner?"

"Sure. I'll tell Phoebe to come over too."

"Okay. I'll see you tonight."

After Chandler hung up, he was giddy and amazed and happy. He kissed his picture of Joey and thought about how soon it would be that he could see Joey again, in the flesh. To see him, to be near him.

Taking a breath to calm himself before calling Monica, Chandler realized vindictively that for once he could tell his wife, without any argument, that Ross and Rachel couldn't come over. Finally! Let them stay at home with their baby for once.

* * *

So Joey arrived in New York that very same day. After he finished visiting all his relatives, Joey called ahead to make sure that Ross and Rachel wouldn't be at Monica's apartment.

Chandler assured him, "They're staying home. They understand."

"Okay, I'll be there soon."

Monica made some special desserts, knowing that Joey would probably still be hungry even after dinner with his parents, and Chandler pulled the drapes on the window again so that Ross and Rachel's apartment wouldn't be visible. He also searched the apartment to make sure that none of Emma's baby things had been left behind from any previous visit.

Phoebe arrived with her guitar and tried to come up with a welcome home song.

When Joey arrived, they all greeted him with hugs and kisses. The girls were taken aback by his beard, and Chandler only smiled, happily surprised again.

"Ooh, you look so rugged!" Phoebe flirted with him.

Joey laughed. "Hey, don't you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes, but I'm still a woman." She growled sexily.

Chandler didn't mind this flirtation. He'd never hated Phoebe like he had come to hate Rachel. Phoebe was so unlike Chandler, for one thing, and Joey and Phoebe had flirted for years, so Chandler had time to get used to the idea that maybe one day they'd end up together. He wanted Joey to be happy.

Monica smiled and welcomed Joey inside, presenting her special desserts.

"Oooh!" Joey took the whole tray for himself and sat down on the couch.

They all smiled indulgently and joined him in the living room.

As he ate, Phoebe played her newly finished welcome home song. "Joey, Joey, our sweet Joey. He went away for a while, But now he's back. And we all love him, Especially his new beard."

Everybody laughed and Phoebe put down her guitar. "So you're really back for good, huh?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry for ditching you guys before."

"It's okay. You needed to work out some issues."

Monica added, "It's so good to see you. Now our baby's going to have his Uncle Joey after all." She patted her tummy, which was just starting to show.

"Yeah," Joey said, and started to feel guilty and worried about the baby. Would it really be raised in an empty, loveless marriage? He glanced at Chandler and noticed that he was just sitting there, silently basking in Joey's presence.

Phoebe asked, "So are you gonna get a new apartment around here, Joey?"

Joey shook his head. "No, um, it would be too awkward, seeing Ross and Rachel all the time." The girls nodded understandingly and patted his arm. "I'm gonna take Chandler's advice and move a little further away."

"Oh, where?"

"Well, I was wondering, Mon, if you knew whether Richard was still selling his old apartment. Something like that was what I had in mind."

"Oh, I think he might have, Joey. I'll have to ask my dad. I know that Richard definitely did move to a bigger place."

"Yeah, well, let me know about that. Maybe that real estate agent could help me find someplace else nearby. In the mean time, I guess I gotta see Estelle about getting some work. I had lots of savings from _Days of Our Lives_, you know, but L.A. was a really expensive place to live. I couldn't find any decent apartments the whole time I looked."

So for now, Joey focused on just getting settled in New York again, and decided to deal with his anxieties about Monica and Chandler's marriage later.


	12. Back to Basics

The next day, Estelle was also impressed by Joey's new beard, saying that it gave him a rugged, brooding look that might be useful in certain dramatic parts. She told him to keep the beard and get new head shots with it. She also suggested that Joey audition for roles under a new name, since he was likely to be blacklisted by certain folks in the New York entertainment industry who had been offended by his hasty, and apparently ungrateful, disappearance from the show that made him a star.

But Joey chose to confront the problem directly by explaining to the various gossip reporters in town that he had quit _Days of Our Lives_ so abruptly because of a personal problem, and now that he'd taken some time off to fix it, he would focus on his career again and try to earn back the respect of the local producers and directors. It had nothing to do with pursuing his film career. "I mean, did anybody see me going to auditions in L.A.? No."

After that announcement, Joey was then able to get some auditions and work, because even the people who resented him were curious to know whether Joey's "personal problem" referred to some substance abuse, kleptomania, or even a diagnosis as a sex addict--his reputation with women certainly supported the last idea. Joey denied such rumors of course, but didn't talk about Rachel either; he would rather avoid the whole subject and move on.

* * *

Chandler and Joey went to the see the chick and the duck at the petting zoo.

"Look who's back!" Chandler announced.

The birds rushed over to them, and Joey knelt down to pet them. "Aw, you guys didn't forget me after all."

The birds made a commotion about his beard, and Joey chuckled, glancing at Chandler. "Even they like my beard."

Chandler smiled and couldn't blame them.

Joey asked the birds, "So have you been good for Phoebe and Chandler?"

They quacked and clucked in the affirmative.

"Yeah, I still miss you guys," Joey said, carrying on his own conversation with the birds. "I wish Rachel hadn't--" he broke off, realizing that he'd mentioned her name.

Chandler looked worried. "Joe?"

Joey shrugged it off. "You know what? Cookie has a yard that her kids run around in, and they're always begging for a dog or a cat. What if I take the birds back from the zoo and show the kids how great other pets can be?"

"You sure?" Chandler asked. "What about when you move to a new apartment?"

"Then I'll get a place that allows pets." Joey stood up. "Hey, I'm gonna go call Cookie, and my real estate agent, and oh, talk to the petting zoo people. Be right back." He turned and walked away, out of the barn.

Chandler stayed with the birds, commenting, "Wow. He wants you guys back."

The duck quacked encouragingly, "He wants you too."

Chandler sighed in exasperation. He'd thought he was fully recovered from this madness, but apparently not.

The rooster joined in, clucking, "He came home for you. See? He loves you."

"No!" Chandler insisted. "He's worried about me and Monica, and his family's here, and L.A.'s expensive, and--"

"And seeing you is more important than avoiding Rachel."

Chandler shook his head and swallowed. How lonely and desperate could he be? It seemed to be getting worse ever since the night that he'd told Joey his secret love. Leaving the birds, Chandler got up and walked away, sitting on a bale of hay at the side of the barn. He tried to clear his head.

Joey returned from his errand and was surprised to see Chandler far from the birds. "What's wrong?"

Chandler shrugged. "Oh, I-I had another craving for a cigarette."

Joey frowned. "I thought you were over that." He sat down next to Chandler and hugged him with one arm. "Anyway, Cookie said it was all right for me to bring the birds, and the zoo people said I could have them back, because the birds are getting older now and more expensive to keep healthy. I said that's fine, I'll take care of them."

"Well, I'm sure the birds will be happier with you."

"You should come visit too," Joey said. "It'll take your mind off smoking and stuff."

Chandler shrugged again.

Joey and Chandler went out to pick up some supplies from a pet store, then they returned to the zoo to collect the birds and take them to Cookie's house. Cookie's children were confused and surprised by the new pets, but eager to play with them. They chased the birds all around the yard.

Looking rather serious, Joey calmed down his nieces and nephews so that he could teach them how to care for and feed the birds. He said that if they proved they were responsible, Cookie might trust them with pets of their own.

Chandler could see that Joey was picturing what it would be like to raise his own kids when he settled down with some woman. Chandler excused himself, and left Uncle Joey to bond with his family.

* * *

Chandler went home, feeling conflicted about the birds. He liked and missed his former pets, of course, but he feared that he'd still hear the voices whenever he was alone with them. How had this all started?

Despite his making fun of Ross for treating his monkey Marcel like a person, Chandler had found himself talking to the birds like they were people too. It was silly of him, but Joey and Phoebe also had conversations with the birds pretty regularly, so Chandler had fallen into the habit.

The conversations were rather mundane and harmless at first, until Chandler began confessing his secret love.

Maybe because the chick had turned out to be a rooster, Chandler felt comfortable confiding to "the guys", knowing that they couldn't possibly tell Joey. So after Joey left for a date one evening, Chandler turned to the birds and said softly, "I love him. Did you know that?"

They clucked and quacked knowingly.

"Oh really, so everybody including my birds think I'm gay? That's so damn hilarious." Then he sighed and continued anyway, "Do you think Joey could ever love me, too? Maybe?" He scoffed. "Yeah, right! Do you even listen when he's banging some girl in his room? No, the last thing he wants is me. He kissed me once at New Year's, but there's been nothing since. Nothing but those hugs that I wish would last so much longer."

After London, it became clear that the birds didn't really like Monica, and the feeling was mutual. They used to loudly complain whenever she left, as if to say, "What the hell are you doing with her instead of Joey?"

Chandler would answer them, "Joey doesn't want me, remember? No, he doesn't! No, he doesn't! No, he doesn't!"

The birds would flap their wings and turn their backs to him as a sign of disgusted protest.

Maybe Chandler was simply projecting his thoughts onto the birds, using them as a sounding board so that he could argue through his conflicted feelings about Joey. There was a small part of Chandler even now that whispered, "Maybe he really loves you, not Rachel" but the rest of Chandler was too sensible and too afraid of being hurt to dare listen to that whisper.

_It's enough to be accepted_ Chandler told himself. _It's enough to be friends._

* * *

Because of the awkwardness, everyone agreed to new holiday traditions this year. Monica, Ross, Rachel, and Emma would spend Hanukkah together, while Monica, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey would celebrate Christmas together. Phoebe and Chandler also agreed to stop by Ross and Rachel's apartment one night that week to exchange Christmas gifts, though Chandler was not happy about seeing Rachel.

The last night of Hanukkah happened to fall on the 26th, so while the Gellers and Greens were lighting the last candle in the menorah, and Phoebe was upstate visiting her family, Chandler went out with Joey. He wanted them to have their own private Christmas, without Phoebe or Monica; without even the birds or Joey's relatives around. So the guys had dinner at a restaurant near Rockefeller Center, then they stood gazing at the tree and watching the skaters in the ice rink.

It was all beautiful, but Joey was not really in the holiday spirit. He found it strange to be back in New York again, not quite two months after he had decided to leave forever.

Chandler on the other hand beamed with happiness. "I'm so glad we didn't miss this, Joe. That the detective found you in time, and that you changed your mind..." He hugged Joey effusively and sniffled against his shoulder. "This--this was the best gift that you could have ever given me." Besides returning his love, of course.

Joey patted his back and tried to smile, but he felt awful. How could Chandler be this ecstatic about being with him, but not with his own wife? "I-I missed you."

Chandler still clung to him. "It's--it's almost like when I came home from Tulsa last year. I quit because I missed you, Joe. I missed you so much!"

"But you said you missed Monica most."

"That was just a lie, like her saying that she couldn't live without me four days a week. But it was you, Joey; it was always you. You even winked, so I thought maybe you could tell."

Joey shrugged and said with regret, "I-I didn't know you loved me."

"I did, and I couldn't take it anymore. It--it was too hard, only being home three days a week, and spending most of that with Monica. In Tulsa, I thought about all the holidays we spent together, and I remembered how you kissed me on New Years, and I thought, maybe if I get some mistletoe, you'll kiss me again. Or maybe on your birthday, I could get drunk and..." Chandler trailed off and sighed with longing. "But even if you didn't, I-I just needed to be near you."

Joey nodded sadly and brushed his fingers through Chandler's hair. "Yeah, I-I know." He felt awful, because at the time, he had actually _wanted_ Chandler to miss him the most. He should have been careful what he wished for.


	13. An Artificial Love

The fractured gang also decided to simply not have a New Year's party at all; however, the next occasion for awkwardness came soon after, on Joey's birthday. Ross and Rachel debated whether to send a gift, but they decided that it was better to not risk it.

Joey spent part of the day with his parents and sisters, then he spent the rest at a birthday party at Monica's apartment. The curtains remained drawn on the big window, but this only reminded Joey more of Ross and Rachel being across the street with Emma.

When Monica brought out the cake, Joey blew out the candles and made a wish that Monica and Chandler could love each other and be happy. If only it had a chance of coming true! Joey didn't even have much of an appetite.

Phoebe's gift was another song about Joey's beard, and she tried to cheer him up, saying that men only get more handsome as they age.

Chandler got Joey a present too, even though Joey had insisted that Monica and Chandler save their money for the baby.

"That's why I gave you the money from selling my boat!"

(When he had run off to L.A., Joey thought that he had paid off all his rent and bills, but he had forgot about the Mr. Bowmont, and the fee to keep it anchored at the marina. So when Joey came home after a month and a half, he quickly sold the boat and gave the money to Chandler, because he didn't like Chandler bribing Mr. Treeger in his absence and hiring a detective. Also, the memory of Rachel trying to teach him how to sail the boat was rather bittersweet now, so he didn't want to hang onto it.)

Chandler insisted, "I know, but this doesn't cost much, Joey! Just open it."

So Joey unwrapped the gift and found a video of _Die Hard_.

Chandler smiled. "Your very own copy. Now you won't have to keep renting it from the video store. It'll save _you_ money!"

"Uh, yeah. Thanks." Joey smiled and hugged him in relief. Chandler had been talking earlier about giving Joey those roller-skate shoes from his advertising agaency. Not only were the shoes too extravagant, but Joey felt a bit too old for them now that he had turned 35.

However, Chandler embraced him rather too long, and Joey feared that Monica might notice and be suspicious.

But even when Phoebe teased them with "Aw... Get a room!" Monica just shrugged and laughed.

* * *

Overall, Joey felt oddly out of place in New York. Instead of living at his old apartment, he was staying at his sister Cookie's house. Instead of working at _Days of Our Lives_, he was auditioning for various movie and TV roles. Instead of hanging out with the whole gang, he only saw three of his old friends anymore. All these drastic changes took some time to get used to.

What Joey couldn't get used to, of course, was the disturbing knowledge that Chandler didn't love his wife and viewed his marriage as nothing more than a convenience, an illusion that they maintained for the sake of their family and friends, and now their baby.

It was disconcerting to watch Chandler's behavior with Monica now, knowing that he was faking every kiss and touch and smile. Knowing that Chandler looked more cheerful than he had in months, not because of the coming baby, but because of Joey. Chandler felt happy and complete now that Joey was back and no longer dating Rachel.

Strangely enough, Joey couldn't tell the difference between Monica's behavior and Chandler's. Was Chandler's acting that good, or Monica's love that insincere? It didn't help that Phoebe continued with her usual jokes about Chandler being gay, Monica being indifferent, and the two of them divorcing in a few years' time. It was so much easier to ignore Phoebe's snide commentary back when Joey was unaware of Chandler's love for him, but now it seemed that Phoebe might be insightful instead of ditzy.

Joey noticed that Monica was obsessively focused on her preparations for the baby, just like she had been with the wedding plans. She couldn't see the big picture and often acted as if Chandler wasn't there, and even if he was, his opinions didn't matter. She was the one who had always dreamed of having babies, so she would be the one to name them and pick their clothes and choose their schools. Both at home and at work, Monica clearly needed to be the boss, controlling every little detail and making everything perfect.

Chandler followed her orders and accepted her neglect, because his heart was never in his marriage. He just did whatever was necessary to please her, then got out of her way.

Surely if things were always this bad, Joey should have seen these unhealthy signs before? Then again, Joey had been blind for six years while his father had a mistress named Ronni, and there was no genuinely happy couple in the gang for him to compare to Monica and Chandler. Ross and Rachel's romance, while intense, had been unstable and fraught with drama. Phoebe also had no long-term relationship until recently. Of the gang, only Monica and Chandler had been together for so long. But if their love was unreal, then Joey had no idea what to believe in anymore.

Would Monica really have married Chandler if she didn't love him? Simply so she could have a baby? Why not get a sperm donor or adopt, if she were that desperate? Joey kept wavering between the hope that Monica wouldn't do such a thing, and the doubt that Chandler had planted in his brain.

* * *

As the weeks passed, the original gang of six remained permanently split. The smaller groups diligently avoided each other, as if they lived in parallel worlds. Ross, Rachel, and Emma formed one group, while Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe formed another. However, Monica was too good a hostess to not want to stay involved with both groups.

So, when Monica needed to do various baby things with Phoebe and Rachel, and sometimes get advice from Ross as well, she would send Chandler off to spend time with Joey, to avoid an uncomfortable clash at her apartment. Joey and Chandler would go out to games, walk through the park, or even hang out at Cookie's house with the birds and the kids.

Chandler was careful to never be left alone with the chick and the duck, always complaining of a headache or a nicotine craving whenever Joey started to leave him with them. Joey would take Chandler inside to lie down on the couch.

Once, when they were alone, Joey sat beside him and asked, "Are you sure she never loved you? Not even when--"

Chandler interrupted. "Monica's always been settling for me, Joe. That's why I went along. I didn't know that she wanted you in London, but I sure knew that she was only with me because of that drunk guy at the rehearsal dinner. Otherwise, she'd just brush me off like she did at the beach. She felt low and needed comfort, that's all. So did I, and the sex wasn't bad."

Joey was confused, as both Monica and Chandler had said that the sex was the best sex they ever had. Was it a lie? The kind of things that people said to any lover?

"After London, she was the one who wanted to keep our affair a secret for months; I didn't care either way. First it was 'Let's not make a big deal out of it', then it was 'maybe it's going so good because we're a secret'. I mean, I can take a hint. It's like you said, Joe, she was ashamed of us being together. She wouldn't tell her parents that she was dating me for over a year."

Joey frowned. "But that was because they didn't like you for--"

Chandler dismissed the excuse. "She should have stuck up for me, if she loved me. She told her parents about her and Richard after two weeks of dating him."

Joey sighed. "Maybe she wasn't sure about you back then, but why did she marry you, huh? Why accept your proposal when Richard had just proposed too?"

"Well, did he really want to have kids, or was he just saying what he knew she wanted to hear? He didn't even have a ring, and he hadn't quit smoking either. I was the safe bet then, so she settled for me instead of risking having her heart broken again. Besides, she'd probably stopped believing in soulmates already, no matter what she said in her vows."

Joey shook his head in disbelief. "But how could you do that! How could both of you would fake all that love, and lie to us, and to each other? It's--it's so wrong."

Chandler shrugged. "It was better than being alone. Than just sitting around wishing for stuff that would never happen. This way, she gets the marriage and the babies and the security, and I-I don't have to date your ex-girlfriends just to feel a little closer to you."

Joey remembered Ginger and Kathy and other girlfriends that they'd had in common. He frowned and felt more frustrated than ever.


	14. Scandalous Reports

Meanwhile, Joey's real estate agent located an apartment that allowed pets, and was far enough away from the gang for Joey to avoid running into Ross and Rachel by accident.

So in late January, Joey moved into his new apartment with the birds, and his friends helped bring over the foosball table and other furniture; Chandler had put it all into storage in Joey's absence because he couldn't bear to sell it or give it away.

Then Joey had a housewarming party, and Monica spent most of the time giving him suggestions as to how to decorate the apartment; she was clearly in nesting mode.

The next day, while Chandler was out, Joey sat Monica down and tried to have a serious talk with her. "Mon? Do you ever think about what might have been?"

"Like what?"

"Like, what if you hadn't married Chandler? Or if, say, my internet minister thing wasn't legal after all? What would you do, as a free, single woman?"

"Our marriage isn't legal?" she asked with wide eyes. "My child's gonna be a bastard!"

"No, no! I mean, hypothetically. If you weren't married to Chandler, would you do it all over again? Or what if you and Chandler never hooked up in London, or you stayed broken up after Vegas? Do you think you'd be happier with someone else? Like, remember when you flirted with all those soap opera actors at my roof party? Would you like to, you know, play the field a bit more?"

"That was just for that party, and--" Monica stopped and realized something. She rolled her eyes. "Wait--is this some roundabout way of asking me to cheat with you, Joey? Do you like pregnant women that much?"

"Monica! I just--I just wanna know if you ever regret marrying Chandler. If you think about going back to Richard maybe."

"For the last time, I'm over Richard, and I really wish Chandler would let that go. Did he put you up to talking to me about this?"

"No! Look, Monica, what if you were meant to be with him? Richard, not Chandler. You know how Ross and Rachel kept falling in and out of love, and the timing was never right for them until this last time? Maybe the timing wasn't right with Richard when he proposed to you, but maybe it could work now if you guys tried it again."

"I'm married to Chandler, Joey. Your best friend, remember?"

"I know! But do you really love Chandler, or is he just, um, like me before Rachel got back together with Ross? Just a temp guy, filling in?"

"Joey! I love Chandler. I have no regrets, period. This marriage is not temporary."

Joey sighed and tried to believe her. But if she was telling the truth, it was still a one-sided marriage anyway, since Chandler didn't really love her. If only there was some way to fix this mess.

* * *

Before Joey could decide what, if anything, to do about Chandler and Monica, a scandal suddenly broke in all the local tabloids (and other newspapers that reported any bit of frivolous celebrity gossip).

It began when one tabloid printed a story saying that Joey Tribbiani had a secret gay lover, and the hot rumor was soon picked up by all the other publications. Normally, no one would have seriously believed such a rumor, especially considering Joey's well known reputation with women, but the original article was very persuasive and provided a lot of supporting evidence for its claim (probably to avert any charges of libel).

Ever since Joey's disappearance from New York for a month and a half, Joey had become a bit of a tantalizing mystery, instead of just another hot soap star. After Joey's return, the local paparazzi began to secretly follow Joey around for weeks, trying to get some hint about his vague "personal problem," but with little success. The most they found out was that Joey was no longer sleeping around and hadn't so much as flirted with any women lately, so they all began reporting their assumption that Joey must have been diagnosed as a sex addict and been told to cut back by a doctor. If only they could find some evidence of him going to a clinic or treatment center in New York! It would be too boring to report that Joey had just matured or got serious or something. While most local reporters futilely followed the "sex addict" theory, someone else got a different idea.

This lone reporter noticed a pattern in Joey's activities; he kept hanging around with the same guy all over New York, an old friend and former roommate named Chandler something. Apparently, Joey had even taken him to a movie premiere a few years back. Then the reporter looked carefully at some pictures of Joey and Chandler from Rockefeller Center, the night after Christmas. They were intimately whispering and embracing. Clinging to each other.

So what if this Chandler guy wasn't just Joey's friend? What if their frequent hugs and glances meant something more? What if Joey's supposed sexual problem had less to do with women, than with men?

The possibility of breaking such a juicy story inspired this ambitious and industrious reporter to dig deep and find something concrete to back up his idea. He discovered that the same day that Joey quit _Days of Our Lives_, Chandler had shown up at the set to ask where Joey had gone, and witnesses said he looked frantic and kept pestering them. From that lead, the reporter began looking into Chandler's recent activities and learned that Chandler had booked a flight to L.A. just a couple of weeks before Joey had returned to New York. It couldn't be a coincidence, especially since Joey had implied that he had been hiding out in L.A. during his disappearance.

Using some contacts in L.A., the reporter found out which hotel Chandler had stayed at and asked if any phone calls or meetings with Joey had taken place. It turned out that Joey had been staying at the same hotel under a fake name, and the hotel staff recognized him now that they saw photos of Joey with the beard. So the reporter eagerly rushed to L.A. to conduct further, more detailed interviews of the staff, who eventually revealed that Joey and Chandler had ordered room service, and had most likely remained together the whole night, because Chandler was seen hugging Joey in the doorway the next morning. The maids had even noticed that only one bed had been slept in, and they had enjoyed gossiping about it for quite a while afterward.

This was all the ammunition the reporter needed to convince his paper to run the story; with all these facts behind it, this story clearly blew the "sex addict" theory out of the water.

Joey first heard about all this while he was at an audition; people kept whispering and glancing at him strangely, then he finally noticed the tabloids that some of them were carrying. Joey grabbed a copy and read the headline in shock: "Tribbiani Mystery Solved: He's Gay."

Blushing with embarrassment, Joey hoped that none of his friends or family had seen any of the tabloids yet. This was just as bad as him appearing on a V.D. poster some years ago. Maybe even worse, considering that he was more famous now.

Then Estelle suddenly called to ask him, "Is this true, Joey?"

He realized that she sounded rather excited about it. "No, I'm not gay. Why--?"

"Are you sure?" she interrupted. "Because your huge gay fan base would just eat this up! I could get you such great parts..."

Joey rolled his eyes. "Estelle! It's not true! I'd sue them if I had a lawyer."

"Oh, don't do that!" Estelle protested. "Let the rumor live for a wh--"

Joey hung up on her. Estelle always had trouble listening. In exasperation, Joey headed home and tried to buy up the various tabloids he came across at newsstands, but then he realized that it was impossible to get all the tabloids, and he didn't want to feed any money to those rags anyway. So Joey gave up and hurried home while avoiding the glances of people on the street.

When Joey got to his apartment, he called Chandler and asked him if he'd heard yet.

"Heard what?"

Clearly he hadn't. "Is Monica home yet?"

"No, she's at the restaurant picking out who's going to fill in for her when she's on maternity leave. Some kind of cooking contest."

"Oh, right. Well, um, you better come over here, I guess."

"Okay." Chandler didn't question why; he would gladly come see Joey for any reason. Hanging up and getting his coat, Chandler didn't even bother to leave Monica a note, because she should know by now where he was likely to be.


	15. News Gets Around

After hanging up the phone, Joey nervously paced around his apartment and peered out of his window, hoping that Chandler wouldn't run into any reporters on the way over, or else catch a glimpse of the tabloid headlines at the newsstands. Joey almost regretted moving far away from Greenwich Village, even if it meant avoiding Ross and Rachel.

However, maybe Chandler would take the Porsche straight here; when traffic was light and Monica wasn't using the car, he liked to rush over to Joey's place. Joey was about to call Chandler's cell phone to make sure that he was hurrying, but the phone rang.

Joey's sister Cookie had evidently heard the rumors, and was quite upset. "Joey!" she scolded him, "Mom and Dad are gonna kill you! But not before I do."

Joey sighed and winced. "So you saw the papers?"

"Yes! And even if I didn't, those damn reporters keep calling here looking for you, because this was your last address before you moved."

"Sorry, Cookie. You didn't tell them where I am now, did you?"

"No, I've just been hanging up on them. Geez, Joey, I knew you and Chandler acted kind of weird around each other, but this! How could you? Especially when he's got a wife and a baby on the way!"

"Huh?" Joey was shocked by her reproach. "Cookie, it's not true! We're not having a secret affair!"

Now she was confused. "You mean you--you aren't gay?"

"No! How could you think something like that, Cookie? You know me."

"Well, I-I thought I did," she said sheepishly. "I'm sorry, Joey, but you've just been acting so strange lately, that I don't even know you anymore. I mean, first you quit your job and disappear, only leaving behind a note for your friends that says you just can't take it since that Rachel girl left you. Then a month later, Chandler finds you and tells us that you're in L.A., growing a beard and starting over. But two weeks after that, you change your mind and move back all of the sudden, saying you're sorry for all the fuss. I take you in and even try to fix you up on dates to help you get over Rachel, but you keep saying no."

"I just didn't feel ready yet!" Joey protested. "It's only been three months."

"Well, all right, but every time that Chandler would come visit you at my place, I'd notice that he'd be staring at you a lot, and you guys would keep whispering or going off to talk in private. So when I read this paper with all this proof and stuff--well, I thought it explained things."

"It doesn't!" Joey told her firmly. "It's not true."

"But how come they know what hotel you stayed in, and those maids say he was with you all night?"

"Nothing happened! We were just talking! He was trying to convince me to come back to New York, and we were talking about Rachel, and--" He wondered whether he should tell her about Chandler's kiss and his confession about his loveless marriage. But that would probably give Cookie the wrong idea. So Joey told her a half-truth, "I-I was trying to help him quit smoking. He'd started up again, and I didn't want to leave him alone to sneak a cigarette."

Her brother's hesitation still made Cookie suspicious. "Really? Well, then why did you come back all of the sudden?"

"'Cause I was worried about him! With him smoking, and the baby coming, and Monica..." He gulped with guilt. "This is just some trashy, made-up gossip, okay? Don't believe everything you read!"

"All right, all right! I'm sorry."

"Cookie, please tell me you haven't told Mom and Dad that I'm gay."

"No, I haven't had a chance to talk to anybody else yet, and besides, I was afraid that they might have a heart attack or something."

"Well, see if you can stall them from finding out, or if they've already found out, then tell them it's not true."

"Okay. But you've got to do something about all these reporters calling me!"

"Yeah, I know. I will soon. Bye."

After he hung up, Joey returned to the window. To his relief, he finally saw Chandler park the Porsche on the street, then get out and approach the apartment building. From his posture, he seemed relaxed and ignorant of any shocking news. Joey closed the drapes over his window and went over to buzz Chandler in.

Soon Chandler arrived upstairs and started to greet Joey, but Joey interrupted him and pulled him inside. He hastily shut and locked the door.

Chandler asked, "What's wrong, Joe? You rehearsing for some kind of spy movie?"

"No, um," he cleared his throat nervously. "Look, there's something I've gotta show you, Chandler. Come here." Joey led him into the living room and showed him the pile of tabloids on his coffee table.

Chandler gasped at the headlines. "Oh my God! Gay? How did they ever come up with that idea?"

Joey blushed and pointed him toward the latest and most complete article about the scandal. "They, um, they think you and me aren't just friends."

"What? Why?" Chandler sank down on the couch and read the story anxiously. He was appalled to learn that their night at the hotel had been discovered and misinterpreted. Just how relentless did these paparazzi creeps have to be, prying into everything? Chandler bit his lip and glanced at Joey, who was sitting on his recliner and wringing his hands. His face looked grim and inscrutable, all the more so because of his beard, which hid most of his features.

Meanwhile, the chick and the duck made a lot of noise and evidently wanted to play, like they always did whenever Chandler came over to visit. Joey got up and shooed the birds into their room, even tossing them some toys to play with before he shut their door.

Chandler looked back to the page that he was reading. The insinuating story even mentioned Chandler's alumni website where he came out as gay, only to retract it later, but not before a manipulated gay porn image got posted there. Also, their old college classmate Tom Gordon, who had attended Ross Geller's fake memorial service, said that he still didn't believe that the coming out was really just a practical joke, because he had met a drag queen at Chandler's apartment.

"Oh, God!" Chandler groaned and dropped the tabloid in sheer horror.

Joey nodded and sat down beside him, seeing that Chandler had finished. "Yeah, it's really bad, huh? I-I guess we shouldn't have started that fight with Ross over his website. And Monica's not gonna appreciate being called a drag queen."

Chandler put down his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, Joe! I'm so sorry!"

Joey shrugged. "Hey, I was the one who pushed the send button, you know?" He still thought Chandler was talking about the website squabble. "I just never thought it would come back to haunt us like this."

"No, it's me!" Chandler insisted with guilt. "It's me! It's my gay quality rubbing off on you, Joey! I-I just couldn't leave well enough alone--chasing you to L.A., and not leaving your hotel room like I should have. I've ruined your reputation!" He broke down into tears.

"Hey!" Joey hugged him and tried to calm him down. "Hey, no! Chandler, stop blaming yourself. Shh. Come on, you didn't know any of this would happen. Besides, I asked you to stay that night, remember? It's not your fault. It's those sleazy reporters, always trying to dig up dirt and scandals."

Chandler clung to his arms and nevertheless felt responsible. He moaned, "They never would have thought this if it weren't for me."

Joey sighed. "Look, Chandler, you wanna make it up to me, huh? Then help me fix my reputation. Help me figure out what to do now. I'd ask Estelle for advice, but she actually called me and thought it was true."

"Really?" Chandler looked up in disbelief.

"Yeah! She was all excited, and even after I told her it wasn't true, she said it would help my career! She said that I have a huge gay fan base, you know, and this rumor will just make me more popular with them."

Chandler was quite shocked by this, even knowing what a terrible agent Estelle was.

Joey said, "So what do you think we should do, Chandler? How can we fix this mess?"

Wiping away his tears, Chandler exhaled and thought about it for several moments. Then he suggested, "You should--you should probably give them an official statement denying the whole thing. And you should probably date some women too, so they stop being suspicious of you being alone for so long."

Joey didn't like that idea, for he still did not feel ready to date again. "Well, what if I tell them that I left because of my breakup with Rachel, and that I'm still not over that? Oh wait, maybe that would make all the reporters start pestering Ross and Rachel too. I don't want all that stuff about them and Emma and Charlie to come out." They would look like a very twisted and incestuous group of people.

"So you should start dating," Chandler repeated. "Even if you have to pretend." Then he frowned and added quietly, "And maybe--maybe you should stop seeing me too."

"What?" Joey blinked and turned to him.

Chandler pulled out of his arms and nodded. "Yeah, if we--if we stop seeing each other, then they'll believe we're not a couple." It hurt so much just to say this, but if it was for Joey's own good, he had to.

Joey disliked that idea even more than dating. "No! No, that's no good! That'll only make us look more suspicious, you know, like we got something to hide. And you're my best friend, Chandler, and I'd miss you, and--and besides, you're the whole reason that I even moved back here at all!"

Chandler was surprised. "What? Me? But--but I thought you came back because you didn't like L.A. and you missed your family?"

"Nah, that's just the excuses that I made for the gang. I came back for you!"

Chandler was touched and unable to speak. For a wild moment, he even dared to be hopeful and look into Joey's eyes searchingly.

But Joey continued obliviously, "Yeah, I'm still really worried about you and Monica all the time, and I told you that I had to see for myself if she really loved you, you know? I think you're wrong, and she's not faking it. I even talked to her the other day, Chandler, and she said she really loves you."

Oh that. That hopeless project. Of course he didn't come back for Chandler alone. This damn unrequited love was making him crazy, imagining things out of desperation. Chandler just looked away and tried to hide how crushed he was. He spoke bitterly, "Of course she says that. She always says that. Even when she's chasing hot soap stars on the roof and letting them autograph her bra!"

"Chandler, it was just a party!" Joey insisted. "She was star struck and giddy, that's all. Rachel got that way too."

"If she loved me, Monica would have gone to the play to get me. Or she wouldn't have forgotten to invite me to the party in the first place."

"Look, maybe you're just not giving her enough love and affection, so she gets distracted easily and forgets sometimes."

"No. I give her every damn thing she wants, but it doesn't make any difference. She whines about going to Tulsa with me and insults the ring I gave her, then she gets a new job and makes me go alone. Or she'll pretend to let me win a fight so we'll have sex, but she's really mad and just wants to get pregnant. I mean, even before we got married, Monica got scared about never having a first kiss again and never sleeping with somebody else, and then she had that secret bachelorette party with a stripper, even though we said we weren't gonna have those parties. She only stayed with me because she still wanted a baby and a husband and everything. That's why I showed up for the wedding, too--because I thought she was pregnant already."

Joey was frustrated by his sheer negativity. "Why do you have to say that stuff, Chandler? She's never actually cheated on you, even when I hit on her sometimes! You just don't love her, and you wanna think that she's the same about you. That she's just settling for you and faking it. But maybe she's not, okay? Maybe you guys could really be happy together, if you just tried."

Chandler shook his head sadly, and realized that Joey didn't understand how he felt at all. Only one thing that could make him happy--Joey loving him back.

"Why can't you just love her too?" Joey asked. "Why can't you let go of me and be happy for what you have? A beautiful woman that loves you, and that's having your baby."

"Don't you think I've tried! I tried to love her, Joe, and other girls before her. I've tried to get over you, but I can't. They're just not the same. I love you, and I can't stop."

Joey pleaded with him. "But you have to! For the baby. For Monica. For me! I mean, do you know how much I'd give right now to have what you've already got and don't even appreciate? You've got a family. If you could just be happy--"

"I can't! She's not you. I can barely stand being alone with her anymore."

"Chandler!"

"She doesn't love me!" he insisted. "It's like I'm nothing more than some appendage to her, nothing more than a sperm donor. I can't even remember why we were ever friends in the first place, besides her being Ross's sister."

"Chandler, you liked her before! You even moved into the apartment across from her, and hung out with her before I came along."

"She wasn't as bad as this before, and there was still Ross and Phoebe to take the edge off. Sometimes I think that Monica didn't go back to Richard just because she can't boss him around like she does me."

Joey got upset. "But how can you fake all that love, huh? You must have loved her once. How could you fool all of us, and her? All those kisses and looks and everything?"

Chandler shrugged and said miserably, "Every time I tell her I love her and stuff, I'm pretending that I'm talking to you."

Appalled, Joey frowned and looked away uncomfortably. He didn't know how to break this impasse.

Thinking over Joey's words, Chandler finally broke the silence. "You--you can have her if you want."

Joey turned back and stared at him in shock. "What?"

Chandler said quietly, "If you want a family, take Monica and our kid."

Joey could not believe what he was hearing. "Chandler, no! That's your wife and your baby."

"But I don't love her. I just--I just didn't want to die alone, without you. But if it would make you happy, and stop the gay rumors--"

"No, I didn't mean it like that! I don't--"

"But maybe you'd be good for Monica and the baby. Everybody said that you were great with Rachel and Emma. So you should just, you know, seduce her. Make her fall in love with you. Then we'll divorce, and you can--"

"Chandler, stop it! Stop it!" He grabbed Chandler by the arms and shook him.

Chandler gave up and collapsed against Joey's shoulder, sobbing. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just--I thought somebody should be happy. Somebody should be."

Joey caressed him tenderly and whispered, "You should be happy too." He kissed Chandler's cheek and raised his face to wipe the tears away. But as he stopped to look in Chandler's eyes, some impulse drew him closer, and he kissed Chandler's lips.

When Joey realized what he was doing, he was astonished and pulled away with shame. But Chandler was too amazed and ecstatic about his kiss to let this chance go. He dared to believe again that Joey was his soulmate. Chandler kissed him, and when Joey started to protest, he only deepened the kiss. He tasted Joey's soft mouth and ran his fingers through Joey's rough beard.

Joey melted into the kiss, but soon he came back to his senses and ended it. He stood up and shook his head. "No! No, we can't!"

"But you kissed me."

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I-I don't know why I did that. I--"

"I love you." Chandler got up and tried to kiss him again, but Joey backed away.

"No, Chandler, this is wrong. You're married, and I'm--I'm not gay--"

"But you kissed me."

"I know, but--but maybe it was just because of these rumors about us. It's a mistake."

Chandler was hurt by that, but his hopes remained. "Joey, you're the one who said it was bad for us to raise a child in a loveless marriage. I'll leave her, and she can go back to Richard."

"She doesn't love him anymore," Joey protested. "And what about your baby? Oh God. I can't do this again. I can't! Not after Ross and Rachel!"

Incensed at hearing Rachel's name, Chandler viciously kicked a table over and had enough rejection. "Fine! Fine! I'll go." He went to the door and turned back toward Joey with tears in his eyes. "It's not fair. She's a selfish bitch, but you'd ignore your conscience and risk their family to be with her. You can love her, but not me." Then he left and slammed the door after him.

"Chandler!" Joey stared after him helplessly, feeling conflicted and not knowing what he should do.


	16. Unraveling

Chandler sullenly returned to his parked car on the street and sat crying in it, until he slowly started to notice what he thought might be paparazzi (or other gawking people) recognizing him from the photos in the tabloids. Muttering a curse, Chandler hid his face and drove off, trying to lose anyone who might be following him. He felt furious as well as heartbroken, and he wondered why God or the universe had to be so damn cruel.

Joey had kissed him. After all these years, he had finally kissed Chandler again, and it wasn't just a brief tease, like their New Year's kiss. It was warm and real, and Joey held him so close; Chandler stupidly thought that it meant love. But then Joey pulled away and shattered his naive happiness. Joey thought this was all a terrible mistake, an illusion, a false desire brought about by the gossip. He said he was sorry, and he didn't want to repeat the disastrous drama that had happened with Ross and Rachel and Emma.

It wasn't fair--to come to the brink of having all his hopes and dreams, only to have them snatched away again. Chandler wondered whether Joey would have refused him so adamantly had this happened before Joey fell for Rachel. Well, he'd never know now, and Chandler hated Rachel more than ever for that. Also, the idea of continuing his marriage with Monica became even more intolerable and suffocating to Chandler than usual. How could he keep up the farce?

After much brooding and roundabout driving throughout Manhattan, Chandler finally headed home and despondently dragged himself upstairs. He didn't even turn on the lights as he entered the empty apartment, just locking the door and retreating to his room. Then he threw himself onto the bed with a moan.

While he sobbed, Chandler remembered details from the tabloid story and wished that they were all true. If only Joey had made love to him that night in L.A., and if only he had returned to New York two weeks later because he loved Chandler and couldn't live without him. If only all their days and nights since then had been spent in guilty, passionate embraces...

But no, these past six weeks had been platonic and hopeless as always. True love remained a fantasy out of his reach. Maybe Joey had been right about the kiss; maybe the warmth and desire that Chandler felt had been mere figments of his imagination, much like his crazy conversations with the chick and the duck lately. Maybe he was delirious and completely losing his mind.

* * *

Meanwhile, Joey felt confused and disturbed by the incident. He had simply been trying to calm down Chandler, especially after his shocking offer to let Joey have Monica and the baby, but Joey had wound up kissing him! He couldn't help himself somehow, when Chandler looked so broken and miserable in his arms. Joey had ached to comfort him and make him happy, even though he ought to have known better. Chandler loved him desperately, and his feelings shouldn't be toyed with.

Joey apologized and thought the tabloids must be getting to him, but this only made Chandler very upset. Joey felt terrible for hurting him so badly, especially after having his own heart broken by Rachel three months ago, but Chandler didn't want to hear a word about Rachel. He harbored a strangely intense, irrational kind of jealousy when it came to her, and he stormed out.

In frustration, Joey picked up the table that Chandler had knocked down, and crumpled up the tabloids to toss into the garbage. Then he paced around his apartment and looked out the window again, furtively watching Chandler in the Porsche below and wondering whether he should go after him or call his cellphone. Or should he just leave him alone?

Then Chandler drove away, and Joey sighed with guilt. At the same time, though, he noticed a few people staring after the departing car and also glancing up at his window, so Joey withdrew and quickly closed the curtains again. Apparently, the paparazzi had caught up and found out his new address. What were they going to make of Chandler's visit?

Joey worried and also remembered his promise to do something about the numerous reporters hounding his sister, so he sat down and called Estelle to issue an official statement denying the gay rumors.

Joey stammered a bit, not having any help from Chandler on choosing the right words; Joey had stupidly put his foot in his mouth with reporters in the past, and he wasn't sure what exactly he wanted to say. But he finally settled on using the same excuse that he had told Cookie earlier, about wanting to help Chandler quit smoking. Estelle was skeptical that the statement would convince anyone, but Joey insisted that he couldn't let the gossip go on like this.

Yet, after hanging up the phone with his agent, Joey felt like a liar because, in a way, the paparazzi were right; something did happen in L.A. six weeks ago. Chandler had kissed him and confessed his secret love. And Joey had comforted him that night; they had shared a hotel room and a bed, even if it was innocently. They didn't have an affair, but Joey did come back to New York for him, and they had kissed again today. The fine line between truth and rumor was getting hard to distinguish.

* * *

That evening, Monica came home from the restaurant and looked around for her husband, who hadn't answered any of her phone calls. She had been outraged by the gay rumors too, but was fairly calm now; after all, she knew the truth about the alumni website incident, and Joey's painful breakup with Rachel, so it was clear to her that the tabloids were full of crap. "Honey? Are you here?"

She soon found Chandler buried under the covers on their bed and came closer to check whether or not he was awake, but he grunted and clutched the covers defensively, not wanting to see or talk to her.

Monica sat down with a sigh and tried to comfort him. "Listen, honey, I know it's been a really horrible day. I was just as shocked as you when I first heard it, and when all the reporters showed up at Javu's, I had to deny it to them too." She assumed that Chandler simply felt humiliated and insecure about being mistaken for gay yet again, after all these years and his marriage. "I mean, that bastard Tom Gordon even called me a drag queen, so I know just how you feel!"

Chandler still wouldn't reply, and he rolled away when she reached to touch him.

Monica continued, "Anyway, so we had to postpone the cooking contest until tomorrow because the kitchen staff was snickering so much about the gossip, that I had to make them scrub the whole place four times for their insubordination! That'll teach the maitre d' to be a wise ass!" Jeffrey, although he remained the funniest guy Monica ever met, had crossed a line with his jokes this time, so she had to include him in the general punishment. She was not going to let the Javu staff treat her as badly as the Allesandro staff once did.

She went on to say that she had also spoken to Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe on the phone today; they too had heard the rumors and denied them to the press. "Ross even told them that Tom Gordon is a no-good lying jerk, because he came to the memorial service just to hit on you, not to actually mourn him!" She laughed a bit, but saw that Chandler remained unresponsive. "Sorry."

Not knowing what else to do, Monica got up and offered to make Chandler his favorite meal to help him feel better. When she returned to the living room, she noticed that the answering machine was full of messages. It was probably mostly paparazzi messages, as well as Monica's own calls to Chandler, but Monica felt compelled to check the messages anyway, in case one of the gang had called. Maybe Joey had finally called back.

As the messages played, Monica quickly deleted the irrelevant and pestering ones, but then she heard two familiar, yet unexpected voices. First came Don, an ex-boyfriend of Phoebe's, who was calling to give Monica his sympathy and ask if the rumors were true. It had been a few years since she saw him, but Monica remembered that Phoebe had claimed that Don was Monica's soulmate because he was older, sexy, English, and sophisticated. In his message, Don even offered Monica the use of his villa in France, should she feel the need to get away from New York right now because of the scandal. Monica wrote down his name and number, intending to politely thank him but decline his offer.

Then came the message from a man that Monica had actually dated and once loved. "Uh, hi, Monica. It--it's me, Richard." As if she could fail to recognize his voice! He sounded so concerned and kind. "I-I just heard the rumors about Chandler, and I-I was worried about you. Are you all right? And Jack had said that you were pregnant now, after a long time trying... Monica, I'm so sorry!"

She gasped and quickly deleted the message when she realized that Chandler might be able to hear it from the bedroom. She didn't want him to throw a jealous fit about Richard, especially not at a time like this. Monica decided to delete all the other messages in one fell swoop, then she got up and hurriedly made dinner to get her mind off it.

However, Chandler didn't want to eat or drink a thing. He just moaned repeatedly, "It's not fair," and wept.

She didn't understand what he meant, but said tenderly, "Oh I know, honey, I know. I hate this too. It's just that Joey's famous now, and this kind of crazy gossip gets started about celebrities all the time. They'll take any tiny grain of truth and blow it all out of proportion, and then they'll make up 'exclusive' interviews with so-called reliable sources, and never care about privacy or getting the real facts." She sighed. "Give it some time, though, and I'm sure it'll all blow over soon."

Monica tried to hug him once more, but he rather harshly pushed her away. She frowned and reluctantly put away his dinner, then called the gang again to tell them how badly Chandler was taking this scandal.

That night, when she tried to get in bed with her husband, and to kiss him lightly, he still refused her. He even got out of the bed and slept on the couch. Monica gave up, and hoped he would feel better in the morning.

* * *

At his apartment, Joey spoke to his family in Queens and apologized for the media circus. They were upset about all the reporters bugging them, and Joseph Sr. even wondered whether it was wise for Joey to remain friends with Chandler. "With his reputation and his, you know, family history..."

"That's not his fault!" Joey argued with him. "And even if he were gay--he's still my friend! I wouldn't just dump him."

"But they think that he's more than your friend! I mean, at least you should start dating again, like Cookie said!"

Joey repeated that he wasn't ready to date yet. His heart had been broken, and he didn't want to pretend to like someone new just for appearances' sake.

"But it's just like acting, you know? Like when you have love interests on TV and movies."

Joey sighed and didn't want to explain that things were different now. After Chandler's confession, Joey's idea of happy endings and perfect love had been shattered; how could he rush or focus on his own love life, if he had lost confidence in Chandler and Monica's?

Luckily, the chick and the duck were making loud noises in their room, so Joey took the opportunity to say, "I gotta go" and hung up. He let the birds out and fed them dinner, then sat down pensively again.

Joey turned on the TV and flipped around, but he saw that the scandal had still not died down about him yet, and that, like Estelle had predicted, no one really believed Joey's statement that he'd move across the country just to make sure that his best friend stopped smoking. Hearing it put that way, Joey realized that it did sound stupid after all.

But he'd stupidly kissed Chandler today, so what did he know?

* * *

The next morning, Monica woke up Chandler and asked him if he was feeling all right. He merely grunted and pulled the blanket over his head. She offered to make him breakfast, but he only said, "Leave me alone!"

She sighed and made her own breakfast, hoping to arouse his appetite. She checked the news on TV, only to shut it off when she saw Joey's scandal being discussed again. Hearing Chandler whimpering again on the couch, Monica called Chandler's office to say that he was sick and staying home today.

Monica still worried about her husband and again encouraged him to eat, especially as he had no dinner last night, but he would not respond at all. She almost thought of staying home too and forcefeeding him, but she had to get back to the restaurant to choose someone to be head chef while she was on maternity leave. Monica didn't want to put off that decision any longer, or let the staff get unruly and discuss Joey's scandal again.

So Monica reluctantly left for work, reminding Chandler that his dinner was still in the fridge if he wanted it. "I'll have one of the gang come and check in on you later. I'll be home soon."

He didn't even say goodbye to her.

While he was alone and miserable that day, Chandler cried some more and slept in. Then he finally dragged himself from the couch and put on a robe. He didn't clean up the couch or put the blankets away, and then he had cereal for breakfast, but hardly tasted it at all. He tossed it into the sink carelessly, then grabbed a beer.

As he drank at 9:30 in the morning, he considered whether he should become a raging alcoholic now, or start smoking again, or both. Maybe, given his unraveling sanity, he ought to pack his stuff now and check into a mental hospital? He'd get away from Monica at least, and no one would blame her for divorcing a crazy husband.

But if he was going away, he wanted to take something with him. Chandler returned to the living room and looked through old photo albums to find the photo of his New Year's kiss with Joey. However, he saw Rachel in many of the photos, and he was so disgusted with her that he pulled out the photos and started ripping Rachel right out of them. He wished she'd never come and joined the gang after leaving Barry at the altar, he wished she'd never been Joey's roommate, and he wished Joey had never loved her.

It just wasn't fair--that she had the chance to be with him, and Chandler didn't. It was no good telling his heart that Joey wasn't gay; Joey had kissed him, all too convincingly, and his heart refused to let go.

In the midst of Chandler's destruction, he heard his cell phone ring. He was going to ignore it, if it was just a friend "checking up on him," but then he noticed that the number was long distance, from Vegas.

So he picked it up and asked hesitantly, "Dad?"

"Yes, Chandler, it's me," came the deep voice of his father, Charles Bing.


	17. Father and Son

**I do know that Charles Bing performs at his Vegas club under the name of Helena Handbasket, but I consider this a stage name, an obvious joke in the context of the campy burlesque show. Though he still wears drag offstage, I think Mr. Bing does go under the name Charles in his private life, or else he would have protested when Nora referred to him as "Charles" at Monica and Chandler's wedding. They were not shy about trading insults with each other.**

**I assume that Mr. Bing and Chandler have occasionally talked and kept up contact since their reconciliation in season 7.**

Like all Bings, Chandler's dad possessed the habit of making sarcastic jokes to relieve tension. So he asked over the phone, "Well, have all your college classmates and professors been calling you again to congratulate you and hit on you?"

"Um, no," Chandler answered, almost regretting that he had told his dad about the website feud in an earlier conversation. Obviously, the current scandal with Joey was big enough that Chandler's dad had found out independently, even way out in Vegas.

"So you're no longer the belle of the ball? Ah, it's a sad thing, going out of fashion. But then again, I suppose it could be that they believe that you're spoken for."

"I-I guess so," Chandler said, sitting back and imagining what it would be like if he were really spoken for. Really loved by Joey.

"I bet Nora will be jealous that you've managed to eclipse her in fame in just one day!" he chuckled spitefully. Knowing that he shouldn't dwell on the old bitterness and rivalry, Charles then sighed and asked more paternally, "How are you, Chandler? Are you handling this mess all right?"

Chandler ran his hands through his hair and halfheartedly joked to deflect the question, "Oh, I'm just peachy!"

"Mm-hmm," Charles responded knowingly. He could detect the pitiful strain in Chandler's voice, as if he'd been crying lately, and it made him ache to hug and console his son in person. "Chandler, if you need me to come--"

"No," Chandler interrupted. "No, then the next headline would be all about my drag queen father visiting to help me through my big coming out."

"Ah--you're right. My, my, where's my cynicism gone? I'm all out of practice since the divorce from your mother." There had been a minor scandal at the time, due to Nora's fame as a romance author, and her decision to keep the name Bing. Charles realized, "Wow, has it been 25 years already? You know, people don't celebrate the anniversaries of their divorces like they do their marriages. It's a pity."

"Yeah."

In case he had been too flippant, Charles added seriously, "I really wish that your mother and I had handled the divorce better. I'm sorry that I let it get as bad as it did."

"I-I know, Dad." Distracted and wallowing in his misery, Chandler desperately wanted a divorce from Monica now; if only he could turn back time and not show up for the wedding after all. Or maybe he shouldn't have proposed to her in the first place? He should have let her get back together with Richard, and then maybe run away to see his dad. But of course, Chandler hadn't been speaking to his father at the time, still unable to forgive him for the divorce and his broken childhood. To be honest, he had also partly blamed his dad for, apparently, passing on his gayness, in the form of Chandler's love of Joey. But there was something special about Joey too, something unique that stirred Chandler's heart in a way that no other man had done, let alone a woman.

Charles continued pensively, "If I had to do it over again, then I guess I would have broken it off with Nora sooner, before you were born. Like Carol did with Ross, you know?" What Chandler had told him about his friends' lives had helped Charles to see just how ugly and traumatizing his divorce from Nora had been. The vicious bickering, the endless custody battle, the sexual games with the houseboy to taunt each other--no wonder Chandler had needed therapy. Of course, hindsight was 20/20, and nothing could be done now.

Chandler was reminded of Monica being pregnant, and it upset him more. He ached for an escape from his pain and his feelings for Joey. "If--if only you hadn't married mom at all, you know, and got her pregnant. Then the Bing marriage curse would be broken, and I-I wouldn't be in this mess now."

"Um, yes, but--but you wouldn't be here, period." Charles was rather alarmed by that sentiment, and he said, "I didn't mean that I didn't want you to be born, Chandler! Just that you would miss the agony of the divorce and grow up happy."

"Happy." Feeling that he was doomed to be unhappy, Chandler gulped, and his voice cracked. "Dad, I-I can't take this! I can't..." He moaned and fought back his tears.

"Chandler!" Charles wished again to hug him. "I'm so sorry, son! I-I wish that I could be there, and help you somehow. But--but don't give up hope, or let those gossip mongers get you down! You'll survive this, I promise, and the vultures will lose interest in you soon enough. Trust me, there won't always be humiliating snickers behind your back, and soon your baby will be born, which--"

Chandler choked back a sob.

Realizing his gaffe, Charles spoke quickly, "Oh, I didn't mean to imply that the scandal would last for months! No, I-I just meant that the birth of your child will bring you so much joy, and erase any lingering bad memories. Uh, and for now, you always have your wife and friends to--"

Losing the battle with his emotions, Chandler broke down crying and dropped the phone on the floor.

Charles was startled and disturbed by this reaction. Surely Chandler's wife and friends were not teasing him about this? Surely they were all being supportive and sensitive and kind, given the circumstances? In fact, he had already seen some tabloid TV shows with clips of all them denying the rumors and fiercely defending Chandler's (let alone Joey's) reputation. But Charles realized something significant, then; he hadn't asked his son whether the gossip was, in fact, false.

"Chandler? Chandler!" Charles called out loudly, since he could still faintly hear his son's weeping. "Please pick up, or put me on speakerphone!" Remembering that he had called Chandler's cell phone, Charles was about to hang up and call back the apartment, but he finally heard a response on the line.

Chandler had sunk down and curled into a ball on the floor. He lay next to the phone now and asked in despair, "Dad--dad, how did you ever last ten years? Ten years, trapped and..." He couldn't go on.

It didn't matter, because Charles knew exactly which ten years Chandler meant. The ten years of his deeply unhappy marriage to Nora; he had already told Chandler that his only reason for staying so long was his sense of obligation to keep the family together, since they had a young child.

Charles sighed and answered simply, "It--it was hell. I'd manage to escape now and then to gay bars or the poolhouse while she was busy writing her books or seducing her latest conquest... but I don't think that's of much help to you now, is it?" He didn't wait for a reply, feeling certain enough to plunge in without caution. "Chandler, I-I noticed something on the TV. Your wife and all your friends have already denied the rumors... but you haven't yet. You haven't even issued a statement, like Joey did. Why is that?"

Chandler's throat constricted. He sniffled and denied softly, "I-I just didn't want to speak to any reporters."

"Right. Of course." Charles lowered his voice and spoke more slowly, "So then I'm--I'm wrong to suspect even for a moment that--that the gossip might be true?" He let the question hang in the air.

After a tense, wretched silence, Chandler gave up and confessed, "I-I love him. I love him!"

"Just you? You mean, Joey doesn't feel the same way?" Charles was genuinely surprised and concerned.

"No, no, he's straight! He--he kissed me, but he still doesn't--" He choked, sobbed, and gasped while trying to explain the recent kiss and how Joey had rejected him, saying it was simply because of the gossip about them.

It was getting quite difficult for Charles to hear his son clearly and understand him. So he interrupted with the suggestion, "Chandler, wait! Come out here. Fly to Vegas today, and I'll come pick you up, then we can talk about this properly."

Chandler pondered that for a moment, feeling sorely tempted, but then he shook his head and whispered, "They'd follow me."

"Your wife, and--?" But then Charles realized what he meant. The paparazzi would make as much fuss about Chandler going there as they would about Charles visiting New York. "Oh, the headlines. But--but surely, if things are so unbearable for you, Chandler, then we should take a risk anyway? Maybe I can get a friend of mine in another city to loan us a place to meet, and we can hide out from the reporters there? You should probably leave a note for your wife, too, but be vague for now until--"

Suddenly, Rachel unlocked the apartment door with her old key and entered. "Hey, Chandler, I--" She was confused when she saw him in a messy pile on the floor.

Hiding beneath a blanket at first, Chandler became furious at hearing her voice. "Rachel! What the hell are you doing here!"

She was surprised by his unwelcoming tone. "I'm checking in on you! Monica asked me to make sure you eat, and--" Coming closer, she noticed that the mess on the floor included several open photo albums, and several photos that had been ripped up. "Hey! What are you doing?"

Chandler pushed off the blanket and got up from the floor. "Go away!" he grabbed her arm roughly and tried to pull her away.

"Ow! Chandler! Stop!" She resisted. "What's wrong with you?"

"Get out!" He dragged her to the door.

"Hey, stop! I'm just trying to help, and you're--Oh!" She grabbed a table to avoid falling down and twisting her ankle. But then she took off her shoe and said angrily, "You broke my heel! These cost--!"

"Shut up! I hope they make your feet bleed like Monica's boots!" He pulled her again and forcibly shoved her out into the hall, slamming the door. He started to lock it, but then he realized that she still had her key.

When he opened the door, Rachel started to speak, "Chandler, you--!"

"Give me your key!"

"What?"

"Your key to the apartment. Give it to me now!"

"It's my key!"

"You don't live here anymore, and you don't have any right to barge over--"

"Hey, I have every right, and Monica--"

"Go away! I don't wanna see you again, bitch!"

"Chandler! What the hell--?"

"I hate you!"

She gasped in shock and felt wounded. She realized with horror that the ripped photos on the floor were all missing her face. What in the world had she done to him?

Chandler impatiently grabbed her purse and took the keys out.

"Hey! Don't!"

He took the apartment key off her ring and tossed the rest on the floor with disgust. "Goodbye!" Then he slammed the door again and locked it.

Disheveled and upset, Rachel burst into tears, then sank down on the floor as she grabbed her keys and purse. She took out her cell phone and called Monica.

Chandler didn't know or care what she said; he just picked up his phone from the floor and went into the bedroom to cry again.

Charles Bing was naturally confused and distressed by all the shouting, so Chandler told him through his sobs how it wasn't fair that Joey could love Rachel and not him. How Joey had risked everything to be with that ungrateful bitch, but he wouldn't do anything but kiss Chandler and tell him that it was wrong.

"Oh, Chandler..." Charles was astounded by what a complicated mess this seemed to be. The tabloids didn't know the half of it.


	18. Joey's Experiment

Joey stayed home that day, unable to go to his auditions because of the uproar. Estelle loved the fuss, and kept talking about how they could leverage the scandal for choice parts or more money, so Joey hung up on her again.

Photographers and reporters were lining the streets outside his apartment building. He sighed and called Ross at work to ask if his lawyer could help him get a restraining order or even sue the tabloids.

Ross replied, "Well, my lawyer Russell only does divorces, but I can ask him if he knows somebody who could handle that for you."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hey, um, how are you doing, Joe? We all kept trying to call you yesterday, but you never answered."

Because I was here kissing Chandler, Joey thought guiltily. "Um, I'm just... hiding out, you know, and I-I had to talk to my family because they got upset too."

"Oh, right. Well, have you talked to Chandler yet? Monica told us last night that he was really upset about the gossip, and wouldn't eat anything. She even called in sick for him this morning, and wants someone to go check in on him later." Ross added helpfully, "I know that you can't go anywhere, but maybe you could cheer him up over the phone and talk him into eating?"

Joey's gut wrenched with anguish about Chandler's condition. "Yeah, um, sure. Well, I-I gotta go now and, uh, call my agent. Bye." He hung up quickly, then groaned and put his head down in his hands, wondering what he could or should do. Did he dare to call and apologize again? Would that only upset Chandler more? Maybe he should leave things up to Monica and the gang.

Meanwhile, the chick and the duck had finished eating their breakfast, so they came over and made expectant noises, wanting to watch TV.

Joey didn't want turn it on, though, for fear of seeing his scandal mentioned again. "No, not now! Maybe later."

The duck quacked and waddled around petulantly, seeming to ask, "When's later?"

"I don't know. Next week?" Joey grabbed a toy and tried playing with the birds as a distraction, but he kept thinking about Chandler anyway. So he found the birds' favorite video and put it into the VCR to entertain them. They settled in front of the TV while Joey leaned back on the couch and tried to find the courage to call Chandler.

He grabbed the phone without dialing and started to practice what he'd say. "Chandler, look, I'm really sorry about yesterday. I didn't mean to, and I won't do anything like that ever again." But maybe that would just send Chandler into despair and tears. He had wanted that those kisses so much. "Chandler, please have something to eat. I'm so worried about you, and I'm sorry."

While Joey rehearsed these words, the birds turned around and stared at him oddly. He wondered why they had lost interest in the TV. "What, I can't talk to myself?" He shrugged and continued, "Chandler, I--"

The birds reacted again to the name, and the rooster crowed.

Joey told them, "No, no, Chandler's not coming over. I just gotta call him in a minute." Then he began again, "Um, Chandler, that kiss was--"

This time the birds reacted to the word "kiss" with shock, pestering him about how it happened. The duck even seemed offended that they didn't know about this kiss before. (They had been locked up in the other room at the time.)

"Yeah, I-I kissed him, all right?" Joey admitted defensively. "What do you think he left here crying about yesterday?"

"You made him cry!" Clearly in a huff, the birds were even flapping their wings now.

Feeling hounded by their disapproving clucks and quacks, Joey finally got up and went into his bedroom with the phone. He rehearsed several more times, but still could not decide what to say because he kept imagining Chandler sobbing again, or even getting mad at him and yelling about Rachel before hanging up.

So Joey gave up and tossed down the phone, lying back on his bed with a sigh. He just hoped that their other friends would be able to comfort Chandler and get him to eat, as well as keep him from smoking again.

The chick and duck were still loud and excitable in the living room, and Joey wondered why they had seemed so upset with him, but then he realized that it was probably his own guilty conscience bothering him, and he was imagining it. Man, he really needed to get away from here!

If only he could just walk outside for a while, or go to the park, without anybody following him. Or even go hang out on his boat at the marina--but of course, Joey had sold the Mr. Bowmont already.

(When he had run off to L.A. three months ago, Joey thought that he had paid off all his rent and bills, but he had forgot about his boat, and the fee to keep it anchored at the marina. So when Joey came home after a month and a half, he quickly sold the Mr. Bowmont and gave the money to Chandler, because he didn't like Chandler bribing Mr. Treeger in his absence and hiring a detective. Also, the memory of Rachel trying to teach him how to sail the boat was rather bittersweet now, so he didn't want to hang onto it.)

Joey didn't know when things would ever settle down, and he was already getting a little stir-crazy in the apartment. He wished he could somehow get out of his apartment, but he would probably need some kind of diversion or decoy for that...

"Wait!" Joey thought of the stunt and body doubles that they sometimes used on TV or in the movies, so he got an idea. Looking up the number of an actor and lookalike that he knew, Joey picked up the phone and called him.

"Hello? Carl! Yeah, it's me, Joey. No, I don't wanna talk about the gossip! Um, look, do you want a job? Yeah, I got an idea for something, and I'd pay you for it. Can you come over to my apartment today so we can talk about it? Yeah, you can't miss it with all the paparrazzi. Oh, and can you bring some groceries for me? I'm running low on some stuff 'cause I just moved in, but I can't go out to the store. So if you can get it and deliver it to me, I'll give you cash for that now, and then I'll tell you about this other idea I got."

After Carl got a paper and pen handy, Joey rattled off a shopping list and told Carl his apartment number. Then he hung up and waited for Carl to arrive. He hoped that Carl still looked enough like him that they could do a switch. Joey might even have to shave his beard off as part of the disguise. Carl would have to agree to stay and watch the birds too, and Joey just hoped that Carl wouldn't mess things up somehow, like he did when they were going to play brothers for a Minute Maid commercial or tried to be identical twins for a research study.

* * *

When Rachel told her about her husband's mean and crazy behavior, Monica reluctantly decided to wrap things up at the restaurant and come home. "I'm so sorry, Rach! I don't know what's gotten into him. Why don't you just go home now? I'll straighten him out and make him apologize to you soon."

"Okay," Rachel sniffled and pouted. "Will you, will you buy me new shoes too?"

"Oh, um, sure, or I'll give you a pair of mine. Do you think you sprained anything, or can you get home all right?"

"I-I think I'll call Ross for help. NYU's closer than Phoebe's massage place."

"All right, but tell Ross not to use his key to, like, go inside and kick Chandler's ass or anything. I'll handle him myself, okay? I'm sure that he's just stressed out about the rumors and the paparazzi."

"Okay. Bye." Rachel hung up, then called Ralph Lauren to tell them that she had an accident and couldn't come back to work today. (She had only left the office for a little while to check on Chandler and maybe eat lunch with him since there were leftovers in the fridge.)

Next she pathetically called Ross, who got very upset and angry at Chandler. He reluctantly agreed not to use any violence, though, since it was more urgent to get Rachel and make sure that she was okay. Ross was glad that Emma was safe and sound in daycare now. He decided to call Joey to tell him about Chandler's erratic behavior too, but he got no answer and had to leave a message.

* * *

Joey opened his apartment door. "Hey! So you made it through the paparrazzi okay?"

"Yeah," Carl chuckled and came in, enjoying his brush with fame. "They were even filming me buzzing your apartment, so maybe I'll end up on TV too." Carl still looked somewhat like Joey, but without the beard.

Joey thanked him for the groceries, and they put everything away in the kitchen. Then he paid Carl for the grocery bill, and invited him to sit down in the living room. They tried to discuss Joey's idea of doubles, but the birds noisily clamored for attention, so Joey had to shoo them into their room.

"Sorry. I think they're cranky today."

"Do they want to go outside or something?"

"No, it's too cold right now, and I already built them some nests and got a balcony for them. They acted like they wanted to watch TV earlier, but they changed their minds or something. Um, speaking of going outside, though, I really want to get out of here, you know?"

"You do?"

Joey then told him his idea that he could shave, switch clothes with Carl, and sneak out without anybody knowing he was gone. "And then you could hang out here until I get back. Just go look out the window at the reporters sometimes, so they'll think I'm still here. You could also help yourself to the food, and maybe watch stuff on my big TV. The only thing is that you can't tell anybody else about this or answer the phone, 'cause then you'd spill the secret."

"Should I just let the machine get the phone?"

"Yeah. I'd tell my family and friends to call my cell phone if it's important. The birds can mostly take care of themselves, too, but if they go into the bathroom, it's usually because the duck wants you to fill up the tub so he can swim."

Carl seemed agreeable, so they negotiated how much Joey would pay him, and how long Joey would need him to stay.

"Well, let's just try it for an hour right now to see if it even works at all, and then we can think about doing it again if I need to get out later."

"Okay."

In his room, Joey took off his clothes and left them on the bed for Carl, while he put on a robe and went to the bathroom to shave. When he emerged again and changed into Carl's clothes, Joey was stunned by how much Carl looked like him.

"I look like a star, huh?" Carl said with a laugh, and suggested that Joey recommend him to be his double if he got another big movie or TV show.

"Uh, yeah." For a moment Joey wondered privately if Carl might be gay, and if so, could he help Chandler get over Joey? But no, that was a crazy idea, and certainly not helpful to poor Monica and the baby. So Joey sternly dismissed the thought and said, "See ya." He put on a pair of dark sunglasses, then he left the apartment.


	19. Beardless

**I've moved the Rockefeller Center scene to chapter 12, added a birthday party to chapter 13, and made slight changes to make the timeline clearer in the early chapters. Joey dated Rachel during Sept-Oct; he was in L.A. for all November, plus two weeks after Chandler's visit; since mid-December he's been back in New York and trying to sort things out.**

**I also realized that Joey and Ross's phone conversation should have been more tense and awkward because they've been avoiding each other ever since Joey's breakup with Rachel. So I'll have to go back and fix that later. Please excuse the sloppiness for now.**

* * *

Because it was a chilly January day, Joey had ample excuse for pulling up the collar of Carl's overcoat and hunching his shoulders. With his dark glasses, the disguise was complete, so he managed to leave the apartment building and walk past all the paparazzi without them realizing it.

Several blocks away, Joey breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed, enjoying his freedom. Of course, he couldn't let his guard down completely, because other people on the street might recognize him too, if they looked closely enough and remembered what he looked like without a beard.

After stopping at an ATM for more cash, Joey headed to the nearest park and found a secluded bench to sit on. He glanced around to make sure he was alone, then pulled out his cell phone and called his parents' house in Queens.

"Hello?" Gloria Tribbiani answered.

Joey spoke in a low voice, "Hey, Ma, I got out."

"What? Joey, I can barely hear you."

"Well I gotta be quiet, 'cause I sneaked out of my apartment."

"You did? How?"

"I got a friend to come over and lend me his clothes. Now I'm him, and he's me."

"Oh, that's smart! So does that mean you're coming home to see us today?"

"Well, uh, are there any reporters around the house now?"

"Oh, last time I checked they were hovering at the end of the street, but maybe they'll take a lunch break and you can sneak in?"

"I don't know. Maybe it'd be safer to do it at night when it's dark. Besides, I told Carl I'd only be gone for about an hour, and I got to do some other stuff."

She sighed. "All right. So you'll call home later?"

"Yeah, or you guys can call my cell phone."

"Okay, I love you."

"Love you too, Ma. Bye." Joey hung up and then called Phoebe, hoping to have lunch with her and possibly ask for her advice about Chandler. Maybe he should have confided in her before, because of all his old friends, she might actually understand. Phoebe had often teased Chandler for being gay and had cynically predicted a divorce for years now. In fact, when questioned about the current scandal, she had not really commented on it, so much as threatened the reporters in proper Street Phoebe manner. "Leave us alone, or I'll kick all your asses!"

Unfortunately, Joey only got Phoebe's voicemail, because the massage chain where she worked had strict rules to keep cell phones off, to not disturb the clients. Despite her toughness, Phoebe did fear the evil, bloodsucking corporate machine, which she thought was secretly watching her like Big Brother. Joey realized that she might not check her messages until after she was already at a restaurant, probably a vegetarian one.

With a sigh, Joey got up and left the park, wondering what he should do now. As he passed by a newsstand, he glimpsed the word "beard" displayed prominently in the headlines, which stopped him cold. He got scared and wildly imagined for a moment that the tabloid reporters had figured out his switch and somehow instantly published the news.

But when Joey discreetly bought a tabloid and started reading the story, he realized that they were just speculating about Monica being a "beard," a sham wife to hide Joey and Chandler's sexuality. Joey frowned and felt bad; that theory was more distasteful than Tom Gordon calling Monica a drag queen. He hoped that Monica was okay.

Even worse, Joey read on and found out that they were debating whether or not to call Rachel a beard as well, because yesterday, when the paparazzi had accosted her outside of Ralph Lauren, she had revealed that she and Joey had been dating months ago, and that was the real reason why Joey had disappeared to L.A. for a while.

The gossip hounds were skeptical, thinking that she was just making this up.

"No, it's true! We broke up, and then he decided to quit and move away."

"If that's true, then why didn't you or Joey's other friends tell us about this relationship before?" Many of these same reporters had interviewed Joey's circle three months ago, when Joey first disappeared.

"Well, because it was private and painful and none of your business! It still isn't!" She turned and pushed past them.

They continued to hurl questions at her, though she ignored them as she escaped.

"If it was so bad, then why would he move back here?"

"Don't you have a baby with that other guy, Ross Geller? But you claim that Joey dated you?"

And since Joey hadn't mentioned Rachel in his own official statement, the tabloids concluded that Rachel must be lying, or else a slut. The relationships of this group of six friends seemed to get more tangled and salacious with each new discovery.

Joey shook his head in disgust and threw the paper into a trash can. God, what a mess!

Then he spotted a nearby costume shop, and he decided to go in and buy a fake beard, or maybe two. He or Carl might need them, if they continued to switch identities for the next few days. It might not be convincing up close, but at a distance it might help. So Joey entered the costume shop, where he used a fake voice and paid cash.

When he left, with the fake beards in Carl's coat pocket, Joey decided to go grab lunch somewhere. As he debated whether to go to one of his favorite places or avoid them to keep from getting recognized by the waiters, Joey self-consciously ran a hand over his shaved face; he wasn't really used to the bare skin, after having a beard for three months. He recalled that night in L.A., when Chandler had kept touching his beard and even called it sexy. The memory made Joey feel sad and guilty now, especially since they had kissed again yesterday.

Joey finally got on a bus and headed to Rockefeller Center. They had already taken down the Christmas tree, of course, but Joey stared out from the restaurant and remembered spending December 26th here, with Chandler. That was back before they realized that gossip-mongers were shadowing and photographing them. Maybe he had let Chandler get too close and hug him too long.

* * *

When she got home, Monica took off her coat and hat, then set down her purse on the counter. She looked around the living room and gasped at the mess that Chandler had left behind. The couch was unmade, the dishes were unwashed, Rachel's key had been tossed into the trash, there were scuff marks on the floor from the dragging, and worst of all, Chandler had senselessly destroyed many of her favorite photos. "Oh, no!" Upset, she fell to her knees on the rug and looked at the scattered shreds in disbelief.

In the bedroom, Chandler heard her and quietly said goodbye to his dad before hanging up the phone. After hearing the full story, Charles Bing had suggested that Chandler should now talk to his wife and end the charade. Chandler didn't see the point, though, believing that she didn't love him anyway.

After Monica calmed down and realized that she still had negatives neatly numbered and filed away somewhere, she got back to her feet with a groan. She was close to six months along in her pregnancy, making it difficult.

Monica entered their bedroom and saw Chandler lying under the covers, clearly having cried and moped again. She spoke as sympathetically as she chould, "Look, Chandler, I know that this scandal has been rough on you, but that's no reason to act crazy like this." She sighed. "I mean, have you just not eaten enough? It looks like you've had nothing since the cereal you tossed away."

He didn't look at her, and just answered numbly, "I'm not hungry."

"Well, um, maybe I should draw you a nice bath to soothe you? I'll fill it up with all those crystals and bubbles you like."

Chandler shook his head and needed something far stronger. "No. I-I need a drink and some cigarettes." He even got out of bed and looked for clothes to change into.

She watched him in shock and got angry. "Chandler, no! You promised to quit for good the last time! And we're having a baby, so--"

"You are. Not me."

"What?" She was hurt and confused, then she guessed that he resented her being controlling and critical. "No, I know that it's our baby, Chandler. I'm sorry I got carried away about picking names and how to decorate the nursery. It's just that you've got no taste--" She didn't even realize that she was slipping into insults again, as she rambled on about how long she'd waited for a baby and that she had all these big plans already, and besides, Ross and Rachel had taken the name Emma that she'd wanted, so it was important to find a new name, and what kind of a name was Hemingway Bing anyway?

Ignoring her, Chandler dressed, then combed his hair in front of the mirror while he put on a watch. Then he grabbed his wallet and cell phone, starting to leave.

Realizing that he was serious about going out, Monica protested and blocked the door. "Wait! No! You can't even go outside anyway, because of the paparazzi downstairs. I barely made it through myself, only by saying, 'Don't piss off a pregnant lady!'"

Chandler frowned, but said, "I'll--I'll ask Treeger to go out and get cigarettes for me, and a new lighter--" He moved around her and left the bedroom.

"Chandler, stop!" She followed and grabbed his arm, pulling him to the couch. "Come on, sit down and let's talk. I'm--I'm sorry I upset you about the baby, but you know how I am. I'll try to be better."

He shrugged and only said, "It doesn't matter."

She took that as forgiveness, then asked, "Okay, so what about you and Rachel earlier? She said that you were really hostile, even taking away her apartment key. Did she do something to make you angry too?"

"I hate her," he said, seething with resentment and jealousy.

Monica couldn't understand how he could hate her, after nine years of amiable friendship. "Why do you hate her?"

He stared at the floor and pouted miserably. "It's not fair. She--she was with Joey."

"Yeah, so?" Monica stared and tried to understand his meaning. "Wait--Oh, you're not still blaming her for breaking up with Joey, and him running away to L.A., are you?"

Chandler nodded and choked up. Two months she had with Joey. Two months. It hurt so much.

Monica sighed and shrugged, rolling her eyes at her husband's unreasonableness. "Chandler! Look, I guess that the breakup did make Joey go to L.A., and maybe it has something to do with why the paparazzi were following him lately, and why the rumors got started..." She strained to make the connection. "But come on, this gossip is not Rachel's fault! It's no reason to throw her out and yell at her and hate her. You should be mad at the gossip reporters, not our friends!"

"She's not my friend!" he yelled fiercely. "She's a spoiled, whiny princess, and I never want to see her again!"

Monica jumped back in bewilderment. "Chandler!"

"She's a selfish bitch!" he raged. "She stumbled into marrying and divorcing Ross. She stumbled into a one-night stand and having a baby. She stumbled into a fake proposal at the hospital. She stumbled into dating Joey and leaving him. Rachel gets to do whatever she wants, messing up people's lives, and not taking responsibility for the chaos. She's like a stupid child, but nobody makes her stop or apologize--!"

Monica shouted back, "It's not her fault, Chandler! Rachel didn't mean to do anything wrong; it just happened by accident. And she's my best friend, and she's with Ross, and we're not going to stop seeing her just because you've gone crazy."

Chandler scoffed bitterly and stood up. "Yeah, 'cause we always have to do what you want! You always get your way!"

She gaped in astonishment. "What's gotten into you, Chandler?"

"You and that bitch!" he answered. "I'm sick of this, and I want out. You can have the baby, and the apartment, and everything. I don't care, and I just want the divorce."

"What! D-Divorce?" Monica thought she must be hearing things.

"I can't go on like this anymore, Monica. It's not worth it, and it's starting to become like my parents' marriage anyway. All lies and pretense. I'm leaving now, and you can call a lawyer." He turned to go to the door.

"No! Stop, please! God, Chandler, calm down!" She grabbed his arms and tried to keep him from going. He must have lost his mind.

Pulling away from her, Chandler said with a frown, "Monica, you don't need me anymore. You got what you really wanted, a baby. Maybe you can go raise it with Richard now, or stay on your own so you can control every detail. Whatever you want."

"I want you!" Monica insisted, thinking that he was just being paranoid again. "I don't want Richard, and it's been over for years! I really love you, Chandler!"

"No you don't!" he answered. "You just love controlling me. You love having the perfect life, the perfect marriage where you get everything you want, and my balls belong to you!"

Monica gasped and cried. "I'm not that bad!"

"Yes, you are! You get more neurotic and freaky every year, and I barely recognize you from who you used to be. Maybe I was dead enough inside to just shut up and take it until now, but not anymore! Not after he kissed me."

She blinked and looked up. "What? What are you talking about?"

Chandler teared up at the memory and shook his head. "Joey kissed me yesterday, and I thought he really loved me after all, but no. I'm not Rachel. I'm just a big mistake."

Monica stammered, "He--he what? How? You're--you're gay?"

"Yeah." He looked at her spitefully. "You weren't the only one settling for this loveless marriage. You weren't my first choice either."

"What?" She was stunned and hurt. "I wasn't settling for you. I love you."

He scoffed. "You have a horrible way of showing it!" Then he got up and stormed out of the apartment at last.


	20. Lost and Found

**To **Lara Cox**: Chandler has believed all along that Monica was settling for him and that she didn't love him. You've misread the entire story. He's certainly pathetic, damaged, and delusional, but he gave her what he thought she wanted. He thought that she gave up on ever having true love, just like he did. Chandler is also mad at her for becoming more mean and freaky over the years, which I think would upset anyone, in love or not.**

**For your information, I _have_ written stories where Chandler was gay but nice to her, and where he did love her but fell in love with Joey later. But I'm not doing that this time. That's my choice. And I don't feel any need to "respect" the Monica/Chandler relationship in a story that's not about them. The _Friends_ writers certainly didn't respect Chandler in that relationship.**

* * *

Chandler instinctively went across the hall and tried to open the door before realizing that his old apartment didn't belong to anybody he knew anymore; the new tenants used the new locks because they didn't have an open-door policy with their neighbors. It was still hard to get used to, and in his addled state, he had forgotten.

So Chandler walked on and went downstairs. He wanted to get drunk and chain smoke, so he decided to find Mr. Treeger and ask him to buy some cigarettes and beer for him. Then maybe he could go enjoy them on the roof, away from Monica or the paparazzi.

Monica would have followed after Chandler, but she was six months pregnant and found it hard to get up, let alone run. She also felt shell-shocked, and her baby even started to kick, as if it was upset too. So Monica stayed on the couch and sadly caressed the bump of her belly. She cried and struggled to understand what Chandler had said to her--that Joey had kissed him, that he was gay, that he'd been "settling" for their "loveless marriage," and that he now wanted a divorce.

Even more distressing was his accusation or assumption that she'd been settling for him as well, that she didn't love him, and that she had been too controlling and neurotic. She didn't think that she'd behaved that badly, and even if she had, why would he agree to marry her and give her a baby?

But then she realized that it must have something to do with Joey. Were the rumors really true, then? Was she a sham wife? A beard? Oh God, how long had this been going on?

Monica grabbed the phone and called Ross and Rachel for comfort.

When Ross answered his cell phone, he said that he and Rachel were waiting at the hospital to get an x-ray, just in case. "Have you talked to Chandler, yet? Did he apologize?"

She shook her head and sobbed. "He--he was horrible and crazy..."

"Oh, Mon, I'm sorry," Ross murmured sympathetically. "You want me to come over and kick his ass?"

"Can you--can you come here after the hospital?

"Sure. I'll see you soon, Mon. It's gonna be okay."

She whimpered as she hung up, then called Phoebe, even knowing that she wouldn't answer while at work. Monica left a tearful message on her voicemail. "Chandler--Chandler left me. He wants a divorce. What am I gonna do?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Joey got on a bus and headed home after lunch, still feeling melancholy. He sneaked back into his building, then hurried upstairs. As he let himself into his apartment, he greeted Carl and said, "It worked. Nobody recognized me."

"Great!" Then Carl told him, "Hey, I think one of your friends called while you were out. His name was Ross, and he left a message for you."

"Oh, okay." Joey went over to the answering machine and pushed play.

"Joey? Are you screening calls? It's me, Ross." After a pause, he continued, "Um, I think you really need to talk to Chandler soon. Rachel just went over to check on him, and he was acting crazy and mean. He even threw her out and took her apartment key! Anyway, I'm going to go help her and make sure that she's all right. Bye."

Joey frowned and began to worry. It had not even occurred to him that Monica might send Rachel to check on Chandler; he'd thought it would be Ross or Phoebe. But of course, Monica didn't know about Chandler's rabid jealousy.

Carl finished his lunch and gave some scraps of bread to the birds. Then he asked, "Hey, is this the Rachel who says that she dated you?" He had been watching the gossip reports on TV, and he was curious.

"Uh, never mind," Joey said, and changed the subject. "So, um, I'll pay you, and then we can go switch clothes again."

"Okay." But Carl looked considerably disappointed.

Joey told him sternly, "Carl! It's private, and I don't wanna talk about it. Are you gonna go blabbing to the tabloids? 'Cause if I can't trust you, then I might as well ask some cousin of mine to switch with me instead."

Carl apologized, "No, no! You can trust me, Joey. I-I won't ruin this like the Minute Maid commercial. I want this job."

"Good!" So Joey paid him with a check. After Carl thanked him, Joey showed him the fake beards that he bought. "I think we can use these, you know, whenever we switch."

"Yeah, sure."

"Well, I'll go change now." Joey went into his bedroom again, while Carl waited in the living room and played around with the fake beards.

Joey stripped and left Carl's clothes on the bed. When he was down to his underwear, he took off his boxers and put them back in his drawer. He had not been wearing underwear before the switch, but he didn't want to "go commando in another man's fatigues." The only exceptions he made to this rule were whenever he wore Chandler's clothes; Joey had done it sometimes by accident when their laundry got mixed up, and sometimes on purpose. In fact, he once did lunges while wearing all of Chandler's clothes.

As he put on a robe and tied it, Joey wondered whether he had unintentionally teased Chandler by saying he was a little _too_ comfortable when Chandler sat on him in the chair. There were so many little incidents like that, which he wished that Chandler would explain to him now. Joey had already asked him about some things already, but he spent most of the past two months asking Chandler about Monica instead.

The phone rang in the living room, so Carl came to the door and knocked. "You wanna get that or wait for the machine?"

"Just a second." Joey came out of the room, and let Carl go in to change clothes.

Joey sat down on the couch and answered the phone somewhat nervously. "Hello?"

Monica wailed, "What the hell did you do!"

He had to jerk the phone back from his ear. "Monica?"

She shouted, "He said you kissed him yesterday! Is that true?"

Joey gulped and grimaced, wondering how much Chandler had told her. "Um, uh, I'm--I'm so sorry, Monica!"

"You bastard! And--and to think that I defended you to the tabloids!" She bawled. "How could you!"

"No, no! Monica, it's not like that. I mean, it was an accident. It--it was because of the gossip, and--"

"What do you mean?"

Joey sighed and wasn't sure where to begin. He also felt self-conscious because he was only wearing a robe now. "I, um, I asked him to come over yesterday when I first heard the rumors, and he got upset, and I-I--"

Carl emerged from the bedroom then, which made Joey jump and break off.

Monica complained, "Joey!"

"Uh, just a second!"

Carl started to ask when Joey might need him again, but Joey replied dismissively, "I don't know. I'll call you. Thanks," and hurried him out the door.

When he was gone, Joey quickly locked the door and finally answered Monica, "I'm sorry. I'm back."

"Tell me what the hell happened!" she demanded.

"Okay, okay!" He sat down again and struggled to explain, "Look, I just wanted to make sure he was okay and, uh, talk to him about what we could do to stop the gay rumors. But--but he blamed himself, and even started crying..."

"So you kissed him!"

"Not right away! He, uh, he said I should start dating again and that we should stop seeing each other."

She found that phrase suspicious. "You've been having an affair? For how long?"

"We haven't!" Joey insisted. "We've only kissed a couple of times!"

"Oh, that's comforting!" she replied scornfully. "You should have stayed away from him, you sleazy rat!"

Joey told her helplessly, "But he came to me, Monica! He found me in L.A."

"And what happened there? You're telling me that you didn't really sleep together, like the hotel maids say?"

"We only slept! No sex. I'm not gay, Mon."

She sobbed in despair. "But he is! He just told me he was gay, and then he left me."

Joey got upset. "He--he what?"

"He said he wanted a divorce! That we had a loveless marriage, and he'd only settled for me. That he was dead inside, until you kissed him."

"Oh God," Joey gulped and couldn't handle this.

Monica asked miserably, "Why would you kiss him, Joey, if you're not gay?"

He apologized again. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to. I, uh, think I've just been mixed up by these rumors, and knowing that he was gay..."

"You knew he was gay?"

Joey nodded, though she couldn't see him. "Yeah. Um, the thing is, that--that Chandler kissed me and said he was in love with me."

"I thought you kissed him?"

"I kissed him yesterday. He kissed me that night in L.A., and he said that he secretly loved me for years."

"In L.A.!" she raised her voice in outrage. "That was almost two months ago, Joey! Why the hell couldn't you tell me all this before?"

"He said that you didn't love him either. That you were just pretending. That you only got married because you didn't trust Richard's proposal, and you wanted to have a baby. He said that he gave up on me in London and didn't want to die alone."

After another choked sob, she said, "He's crazy!"

Joey frowned and sighed. "I-I know. I didn't know what to think, Monica, and after he went home, I got worried about him and you and the baby. That's why I had to come back to New York."

"No you didn't!" Her rage returned. "You shouldn't have come back! You should have called me or the others and let us deal with him. You've only encouraged him by coming back and keeping his secret."

Joey was stunned, not having thought of it like that. "But I was trying to help--"

"And then you kissed him yesterday! What the hell's wrong with you?"

Joey winced and scratched his head. "It's--it's just that we got into this fight about you, Mon! I told him how you said you loved him and didn't want to be with Richard. I wanted him to try to love you too, but he only said mean stuff about you again. I said that he didn't appreciate you, that I wish I had a wife and a baby on the way. But then he said how--how if I want a family that much, then I should take you guys."

"Wh-what?" Even with all the shocking things that Chandler had said to her already, this topped them.

Joey groaned and hated hurting her like this. "He said that I should, um, seduce you and break up your marriage. I was so... horrified, and I made him stop it, but he cried and said that he just wanted me to be happy. And I hugged him and said I wanted him to be happy too. And I... kissed him."

"You love him too!"

"What? No, Mon--"

"You love him! You bastard! You didn't even tell me any of this stuff when you came home, or in all the weeks since then! I even let you go out with him all the time, thinking that you were so heartbroken about Rachel, and you needed him..." She cried bitterly at the irony. "And you had the nerve to wait until after you moved into your new apartment to start asking me about whether I loved him! You couldn't even tell me about L.A. then!"

Before Joey could reply, she hung up on him. He didn't know what to do, but looked up when he heard the chick and the duck approaching. They seemed to be glaring at him now and making stern noises as if they fully agreed with Monica's assessment.

"Sheesh! I must be going nuts!" Shaking his head with guilt, Joey put down the phone and went back into his bedroom to get dressed.

* * *

As Chandler waited on the stairs for Mr. Treeger to come back, he glanced at the nearby storage room, where all the building's residents kept their extra possessions and periodically put their boxes of clothes that were out of season. Chandler stood at the door and touched it, remembering when he had briefly stored Joey's furniture here.

Back in November, Chandler had bribed Mr. Treeger to keep Joey's old apartment free and untouched, because he planned to find Joey and convince him to come back home soon. This arrangement was also useful whenever he wanted to get away from Monica, because he could hang out at the old apartment and even smoke there. Chandler couldn't stay the night, though, knowing that Joey and Rachel had sex in those beds.

But once he saw Joey in L.A., Chandler returned in defeat and told Treeger that he could rent out the apartment now. So Treeger decided to clear out the furniture and fix things up for the new tenants. He asked Chandler whether he wanted the furniture, and Chandler did, but Monica protested that they didn't have any room in their apartment, so they should sell it all. Chandler got upset with her, and he was determined not to lose this fight too, so he had everything put into storage, saying that Joey might change his mind and want his stuff sent to him later, once he got an apartment.

For the next two weeks, when he still believed that Joey would never return, Chandler became depressed by seeing the various workers clean and repair the apartment, even giving it a fresh coat of paint, as if erasing their past there. Sometimes Chandler would go to the storage room to look at Joey's furniture and relive the memories. He'd lovingly touch the foosball table or sit in Joey's recliner and cry. After Joey decided to move home again, Chandler was much happy. Then Joey's real estate agent found a new apartment for him, so he finally took back all of his stuff.

Interrupting Chandler's reverie, Mr. Treeger arrived with a bag full of beer and cigarettes from the nearest store. "Here's your change."

"Thanks."

"Do you need any help taking it back upstairs? You look a little pale." Treeger wondered whether he should be worried about Chandler, what with the scandal and everything, but maybe it was none of his business.

"No thanks." Chandler put down the bag and already opened a pack of cigarettes so that he could start smoking.

Treeger shrugged and said, "Okay. Well, I'll go fix that sink for Mrs. Katrakis now." Treeger grabbed his tool belt from his apartment, then headed upstairs.

Taking his first puff of smoke in two months, Chandler looked at the storage room door again and wished that Joey's furniture was still there.

* * *

At home, Monica still wept and waited for Ross and Rachel to arrive. She also wondered whether Chandler might change his mind and come back, once he realized that he had nowhere to go with the paparazzi outside. But if he did return, would he only say cruel, crazy things again? Was there any way to reason with him?

Finally, Ross and Rachel left the hospital together. Rachel's ankle was just sprained, aggravating her old injury from when she fell off the balcony, and she was a bit wary of seeing Chandler again, but when Ross told her about Monica crying on the phone, she was willing to risk it.

As she and Ross entered the apartment, they glanced around, then rushed over to hug Monica on the couch.

Ross was very upset to see his sister crying so hard, and he feared that Chandler might have treated her roughly too. He spoke furiously, "Where is he! Did he hurt you?" He started for the bedroom.

Monica moaned that Chandler wasn't here. "He's gone! He's left me!"

"What?" Rachel asked.

Monica answered in a strained, high-pitched voice that only Rachel could understand. Confused, Ross sat down next to them and waited for Rachel to translate Monica's tear-filled words. In this halting manner, they slowly learned the details of Monica's fight with Chandler, and her later conversation with Joey.

Rachel was stunned. "Oh my God!"

"And Joey kissed him? Then--then these rumors are true?" Ross couldn't believe this. "But how could they do this to you?"

Monica just whimpered in Rachel's arms.

Ross asked sternly, "Hey, where's Chandler anyway? He's been gone a long time, and we didn't see him when we came upstairs." Getting suspicious, Ross picked up the phone and called Joey.

"Hello?"

Ross yelled at him. "Monica told us what you did, Joey! I oughta kick your ass!"

"I'm sorry!" Joey answered helplessly. "But we weren't cheating--"

"I don't believe you! This is why you wanted to talk to my divorce lawyer, isn't it?"

"No, I--"

"Shut up! Is he there with you now!"

"What?"

"Chandler hasn't come back yet. Did he run off to your apartment?"

"No! No! I mean, he couldn't even get near this place with all the paparazzi outside..."

"He got in just fine yesterday. Don't lie to me!"

"I'm not lying! They--they didn't know my new address yet when he came over yesterday. I swear, he hasn't come back here, Ross." Joey sounded worried. "You guys really haven't seen him?"

"No, he walked out on Monica an hour ago, and she couldn't follow him because she's pregnant." Ross growled with outrage. "You do know that she's pregnant, don't you!"

"Yeah, I do!" Joey replied. "That's why I told him that we couldn't do this. Couldn't break up the family--"

"It's already broken up!" Ross scolded him. "He's talking about divorce, and abandoning her... You've wrecked everything, Joey, and caused this whole damn scandal! What the hell were you thinking?"

Joey began to cry. "I-I don't know! I just wanted to help! I'm sorry!"

Ross said, "It's too late for that!" Then he hung up.

After a moment, Monica remembered that Chandler had said that he would ask Mr. Treeger to get him beer and cigarettes, so Ross decided to go downstairs and ask Treeger where Chandler was now. Rachel remained with Monica.

Unfortunately, Mr. Treeger said that he didn't know where Chandler was. "I just assumed that he went back to his apartment. Is something wrong?"

"Everything's wrong!" Ross said bitterly. "Sorry. Thanks anyway." Then he went upstairs to tell Monica and Rachel.

Treeger assumed that Ross was referring to the scandal.

* * *

Joey cried after he hung up the phone. He felt even worse than he did when Rachel broke up with him and he decided to leave the group rather than get phased out. It was like he had crossed a big line and done something unforgivably stupid and wrong.

As the birds pestered him once again, Joey retreated to his bed and clung to Hugsy. But then it hit him that Chandler was missing. That no one knew where was. If he was upset enough to fight with Monica and say that he wanted to divorce her, even though Joey had rejected him, then he must be very upset. There was no telling what he might do.

This thought scared Joey, so he desperately grabbed the phone again and called Carl. He begged Carl to come switch with him so he could go out.

"What? So soon?"

"Yeah, um, it's an emergency. Can you help me please? Or if you're busy, I guess I could call my cousin--"

"No, I'll come!"

"Thanks! See you soon." Joey hung up and tried to calm down so that he could stop crying.

When Carl arrived, he asked Joey if he was okay.

"Uh, yeah. It's just, some stuff happened, and there was the phone call earlier..."

"Oh. Okay." Carl could see that he didn't want to get into it, so they switched clothes again.

Joey put a fake beard in his pocket, in case he needed to disguise Chandler once he found him. Assuming that he found him. Then he told Carl, "Um, I'm not sure how long I'll be gone this time. So if you need to leave later, you can call one of my cousins and switch with them, I guess. Here's my mom's number. I already explained it to her, so you could just ask her to send one of my cousins."

"Uh, sure, Joey. Bye."

"Bye."

So Joey sneaked out again and wondered where he should look for Chandler first. How did he even get out of his apartment building, if it was surrounded? Did he have a double too? But no, Chandler was an only child, and what few male cousins he had weren't close to him, nor did they look like him. So how did Chandler get out at all? Joey puzzled over this, getting more worried every minute.

He finally returned to Greenwich Village to look for clues, and he stood across the street from the old apartment building. The crowds of reporters and photographers were out front, or hanging out in the coffeehouse. Joey looked up at the fire escapes, wondering if Chandler could have climbed down them, but no, he'd probably be spotted and surrounded quickly. Maybe the roof? Maybe Chandler was hiding behind a shed up there, or by the pigeon coop kept by one of the building's residents?

Then when he saw a figure move on the roof, Joey guessed that it might be Chandler, so he rushed closer and tried to make his way past the reporters without getting recognized. Luckily, Chandler had insisted on Joey keeping his key to the building, in order to visit him easily, whenever Ross and Rachel weren't there.

So Joey got inside quickly, slamming the door shut before he started running up the stairs. But he almost bumped into one of his former neighbors, so he hid his face and went towards the storage room. While standing by the door and pretending that he was looking for his key, Joey realized that he could smell smoke. Then he faintly heard a phone ringing somewhere. It was the familiar ringtone of Chandler's cell. Was he imagining it?

After he realized that it was real, and coming from the storage room, Joey dug out his key and was grateful that he still hadn't returned it after recently moving all his stuff out of here. So Joey let himself in and turned on the light. The place was filled with cigarette smoke, which made him cough, and after he frantically followed the sound of the phone, he found a pair of pants hanging from an old chair.

On the floor nearby, surrounded by empty beer cans and cigarette butts, Chandler was lying in a sleeping bag from their camping trip years ago. He made no move to answer his phone, which still rang from within the pocket of his pants.

"Chandler!" Joey was horrified by how close Chandler came to carelessly starting a fire, so he ran over and knelt beside him, hoping that he was okay. In relief, he cried and hugged Chandler close, waking him up.


	21. Fractured Apologies

Blinking, Chandler found himself in Joey's arms and believed that he was still dreaming, so he kissed Joey passionately. It was wonderful, even without his beard.

Even though Chandler tasted like beer and cigarettes, Joey was so clouded by his relief and his tears at first that he kissed Chandler back and closed his eyes. The phone stopped ringing meanwhile. But as Chandler moaned and drew him down toward the floor, Joey realized what he was doing and stopped, pulling away. "Wait! No, we can't! Oh God, I'm--I'm sorry!" He wiped his eyes and tried to think. What the hell was wrong with him?

Chandler still clung to his arms and sighed, "Don't be," as he tried to kiss Joey again.

But Joey just turned away from him and firmly shook his head. "No! No, Chandler, stop! I told you that we can't do this!"

Chandler let go and looked hurt. "Then--then why did you kiss me back?"

Joey sighed and frowned, knowing it was his own fault for letting this happen again. "I-I don't know, Chandler. It's just that I was so... confused and worried about you. Monica and Ross called and told me how upset you were, and that you'd disappeared. And then when I found you, I was so relieved that you were all right. I was just gonna kiss your cheek and hug you, but--"

"But you missed because your face is so smooth now?" Chandler finished sarcastically. "And your tongue slipped too?"

Joey bit his lip and knew how lame his words sounded. He explained, "I-I just shaved my beard so I could get out of the apartment without getting recognized."

Chandler pouted and lay back down in his sleeping bag, realizing that this was not a lovely dream, but a nightmare. Or maybe it was the horrible reality that drove him to drink and smoke again in the first place. "So this was just another mistake?" he asked bitterly.

Joey whispered, "Yeah. I'm really sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

Chandler cried and rolled over, huddling within the bag. "I love you. How could you tease me like that?"

"I didn't mean to. I--" But Joey gave up, and caressed his shoulder tenderly. He asked instead, "What are you doing here, Chandler? Smoking and drinking in here by yourself? Then sleeping here in the darkness? You could have started a fire or got hurt."

Chandler just shrugged miserably. "I couldn't go anywhere else, with the reporters outside."

"Well, you could have gone up to the roof. I thought I saw you up there a minute ago."

"No. I figured that they'd see me with some long-range cameras or something. Besides, I found all our old camping stuff here in the boxes. And I used to come here all the time when your furniture was here, Joe."

"You did?"

"Yeah." After a pause, he added, "This was your sleeping bag, remember? You slept naked in it. We were in that tent together, and you were so close to me. I couldn't sleep at all." That was the camping trip in which they used Rachel's sheep for pillows.

Joey blushed and felt guilty about that now. "I didn't know you loved me then."

Chandler wept and told him, "I-I wanted you to kiss me so bad, Joe. I mean, you bought me that bracelet and you got jealous about Eddie and you came home; I thought maybe you were falling for me too."

Joey frowned. "How come you didn't try to kiss me or something?"

"'Cause you might push me away and say you weren't gay."

"But, Chandler, I mean--Wait, what about when I had that gay kissing audition? I asked you to kiss me a lot of times, but you wouldn't do it."

"I was stupid," Chandler said with regret. "I-I had too much pride back then. I didn't want just a tease or a joke anymore, like on New Year's. I wanted something real, where you wouldn't have any excuses to fall back on. No, 'Oh I was just drunk then, and you kept asking for it.' I wanted you to kiss me because you meant it. I-I was trying to make you jealous about my internet girlfriend too. Like, maybe you'd pull me away from the computer and say, 'Stop it. You got the real thing right here.'"

Joey blinked and tried to imagine that scenario. Kissing Chandler and making him moan happily. But he probably would have stopped after a while and used the excuse of his audition, and he probably would have broken Chandler's heart then. Better to break his heart then, than now?

Chandler continued, "But Ross kissed you instead, and when I saw that my internet girlfriend was actually Janice, it was eerie, like I couldn't get away from her no matter what. I remembered how you hated her, though, so I kissed her to make you jealous. And I thought that if she stayed around for a while, then you'd get upset and fight for me."

"Really? Wow, I didn't get that."

"Yeah, but then you made up with her, and she didn't mind you hanging around with us. She already had a little baby too, and you like babies. She was really nice and sweet this time, and not so irritating. I thought maybe this could really work out, and I wouldn't die alone. Maybe we could be like a family or something."

"Oh, so you tried to settle down with her?"

"Yeah. Monica wasn't the first one. I thought Janice really loved me, you know, but then she kissed Gary again, and she went back to him." Chandler shrugged. "Maybe I should have tried to get back together with her instead of going to Yemen. Would I have been better off with Janice instead of Monica?"

Joey only said, "I hate Janice."

"I know, and she was irritating again when she came back."

Then Joey asked, "Did you try to settle down with Kathy too? Was that why you stole her from me?"

Chandler finally faced him and confessed, "At first, I-I was just jealous. It hurt so much hearing you have sex with her in your room." He sniffled. "She was just like me, Joey! Like me with boobs. She rehearsed lines with you, and watched _Die Hard_ with you, and played with the birds, and talked about my favorite books and TV shows. It was like, you can want me, but only if I was a girl!"

Joey looked shocked. "Whoa! I-I didn't even notice."

"I know," Chandler sighed sadly. "It's just me getting crazy over you. But everybody else wondered why I was jealous of you guys, and they assumed that I loved Kathy, so I let them believe that. And when she started to fall for me, that's when I got to thinking that I could be with her instead. She could tell me what it's like to be with you. Maybe I'd gotten the soulmates thing wrong, you know; maybe it's supposed to be the person who's most like you. I don't know. It didn't last anyway."

"And then you ended up with Monica in London?"

"Yeah. I was tired of looking around, and she seemed like she was tired too. I mean, she only wanted some comfort because of that drunk guy at the wedding. And you heard her yourself, admitting that she wanted you in London, not me."

Joey protested, "But I think that she really did fall in love with you later. She did wanna marry you, Chandler. Not just to have a baby."

Chandler just shook his head.

With a groan, Joey leaned near and tried to get him up out of the sleeping bag. "Come on, Chandler, let's get out of here. It stinks and it's dangerous."

Chandler refused to go. "No, there's nowhere else to go."

"We'll go back to your apartment."

"I don't wanna see Monica again."

"You can't stay here forever."

Chandler said, "I just wanna stay until it's dark outside. Then maybe I'll sneak out of town and go stay with my dad."

"Your dad?"

"Yeah, he called me this morning about the scandal. I told him that you kissed me, and that I love you."

"Oh. Wait, did he call you back just now?" Joey went to retrieve Chandler's phone from his pants.

"What?"

"While you were asleep, your phone was ringing. That's how I found you."

Chandler sat up and looked at the phone for his missed call. "Oh, it's not my dad. It's just Monica calling me from home."

"It is?" Joey took the phone and looked at it. "Or maybe it's Ross, looking for you. He called me earlier and told me you were missing. I think I heard Monica crying in the background too, so maybe they're all at the apartment."

"Great. Even more reason not to go back there."

"But Chandler, you gotta talk to them. I mean, are you serious about divorcing her? What's gonna happen to your baby?"

Chandler replied, "I don't know. It's not like she let me help making any decisions. She kept saying how no name goes with Bing, so I said, 'Hemingway Bing' but she said it was stupid, and I have no taste."

"But it's your kid, Chandler! You can't just leave it."

He shrugged. "I'd probably just screw him or her up like my parents screwed me up." He took back the phone from Joey. "I should just call my dad and tell him what happened. Then I'll go fly to Vegas after I get out of here."

Joey reluctantly answered, "Well--well maybe that would be good for you, to see your dad. Maybe that would help you out. But we should at least tell Monica and everybody where you are, so they won't worry."

"I don't think they'll worry."

"Chandler!"

"Why don't you go talk to them?" While Joey pouted, Chandler tried to call his dad, but failed. "The signal's too weak here for long distance."

"So you should get out of here," Joey insisted. "Come on, please?"

Chandler sighed and said, "Give me my pants."

Joey handed them over, then stood up and turned around to give him privacy.

However, Chandler had trouble even unzipping his sleeping bag.

"Are you okay?" Joey asked.

"It's stuck." He tried to wriggle out of the bag instead.

So Joey came back and helped pull him out. Chandler was not naked, but still wearing his underwear.

"Help me up, Joe."

"Okay." Joey noticed that Chandler seemd uncoordinated and unsteady on his feet. "You're really drunk, huh?"

Chandler leaned on him and tried to put on his pants, but he was dizzy. "I didn't eat enough breakfast."

"Didn't you have lunch?"

"Is it lunch time already?"

Joey looked upset. "Lunch time was a couple of hours ago!"

"Oh. I slept through it, I guess."

"Chandler!" Joey hugged him close and was really concerned about him. "We'll--we'll get you some food at your place, and then I'll help you get to the airport. I got a fake beard you could put on as a disguise."

"Okay."

Joey helped him dress and put the cell phone back into his pocket. Then he led Chandler out of the storage room, turning off the light as they left. As they went upstairs, Joey got pensive, and asked, "Chandler, how come you told her that you wanted a divorce today? How come you told her about us kissing too? Was it your conscience?"

Chandler replied brokenheartedly, "I was so close, Joey. So close to being happy when you kissed me. But--but you don't love me, and I can't go on. I can't just pretend and plaster a smile on my face anymore. Let her go back to Richard or something."

"I don't think it's that simple."

"You said she should." Chandler still leaned on him.

"But that was before I talked to her." Joey frowned and thought about Chandler saying that he was "dead inside" until Joey kissed him yesterday. "I'm sorry."

* * *

In the apartment, Ross told Monica and Rachel that he even looked on the roof for Chandler but couldn't find him. Then he decided to clean up the apartment for Monica while Rachel turned on the news, hoping that Chandler was seen leaving by the paparazzi.

Instead, the only current gossip they found was about a mysterious man who had visited Joey's building twice in the past couple hours. He didn't seem to live there, though, but his resemblance to Joey suggested that they were relatives or something.

Monica wondered aloud when Phoebe would get here, and soon there came a knock on the door, so they all thought Phoebe must have taken off early from her work.

However, when Ross opened the door, he saw Joey and Chandler. "Where have you been all this time?" He looked irritated that Joey was supporting Chandler. "Get your hands off him!"

"He's drunk!" Joey helped Chandler over to the kitchen table, where Monica had already put out some snacks while they were waiting for Ross to find Chandler. "If you don't mind, he hasn't eaten anything since breakfast."

Rachel got upset with Joey. "You were lying on the phone, weren't you? He did run to your apartment and find you!"

"No, he didn't!" Joey answered here. "After Ross called me, I left my apartment to go find him, and he was right here in the building."

"Where?" Ross challenged. "I looked everywhere and didn't see him!"

"You didn't check the storage room, did you?"

"What? The storage room?"

"Yeah, that's where he was, smoking and drinking. Then he found a sleeping bag and fell asleep. I only found him 'cause his phone was ringing."

"Wait, I called him from the roof ten minutes ago. What have you two been doing since then? Kissing?"

Joey blushed with guilt, but only said, "It took me a while to convince him to come here."

"He didn't wanna get his ass kicked, did he?"

"Ross, please! We came here to apologize."

"I didn't," Chandler said, still nibbling on some food.

Joey was exasperated, but he blocked Ross from going over to hit him. "He's drunk, okay? But I'm sorry. I really am! I guess I-I should have told you guys about L.A. before and not come back to New York. I should have even called his dad or something to come talk to him. I'm sorry."

Chandler was upset by this. "No, you shouldn't! You came home where you belonged, Joey. I-I missed you so much."

Monica cried. "What about me, Chandler? Don't you love me or our baby?"

"It's your baby! That's all you wanted."

"No, I--"

"You even stopped treating me nice once we moved together, Monica! We weren't even friends anymore."

"Chandler!" Rachel hugged Monica and glared at Chandler.

Ross came closer threateningly. "You remember that big brother speech I gave you before the wedding? Well it's time to start kicking your ass!"

Chandler was drunk enough not to care, and besides, he knew that Ross wasn't stronger than him, what with the arm wrestling contest, and his bruising like a peach.

Joey did care, though, and he shielded Chandler again. Joey begged, "Ross, no! He's drunk and not well!"

"He deserves it, and so do you! You better not duck this time!"

Joey did duck, though, while Ross hit his fist against a post. "Ow!"

Joey took the opportunity to grab Chandler and quickly leave the apartment. He realized what a disaster this encounter was, and he called back, "I'm taking him to his dad! Sorry!"

Ross wanted to go after them, but he had to go ice his hand. Rachel didn't trust her sprained ankle either, and Monica just sobbed, knowing that there was no reasoning with Chandler now.

Meanwhile, going downstairs with Chandler, Joey decided to ask Mr. Treeger to make some distraction so that they could get out of the building. He needed Chandler to eat some food and be more rational by the time that they went to the airport tonight.


	22. Hiding Out

**By "settling down" Joey means "settling for the sake of convenience, not love." Chandler explained to Joey that he did not sincerely love Janice and Kathy, despite appearances at the time. He just thought that they would be nice, tolerable girlfriends to commit to, so that he wouldn't die alone without Joey. That's what he means by Monica not being the first that he's faked feelings for. (I know that it doesn't quite fit Chandler's behavior in the Kathy episodes, and I will try to address the inconsistences later.)**

**The main difference between those women and Monica is that Chandler believes that Monica never loved him and was faking it too; he also feels that she got bitchier and more controlling over the years, so he now regrets his decision to settle for her. He now thinks that Janice or Kathy would have treated him better because they loved him (or they did, before they each cheated and broke up with him).**

* * *

Mr. Treeger was cleaning up in the storage room with the door open and the lights on, when Joey and Chandler found him.

Joey came inside and started to speak, but Mr. Treeger interrupted when he saw Chandler.

"Oh, hey, there you are! Why'd you leave this mess, and smoke cigarettes in here? That's dangerous."

Still lightheaded, Chandler only shrugged indifferently, so Joey explained for him, "He wasn't thinking."

"Well, he's lucky that--oh, hey, it's you!" Treeger looked closer and now recognized Joey without his beard. "You know, your friend Ross was looking for Chandler just a while ago. They thought he disappeared."

"Uh, yeah, I know," Joey replied with a guilty nod. "Yeah, we--we just saw Monica and everybody upstairs. But now, um, now we need to leave the building, and we were wondering if you could maybe help us to get rid of those reporters out front?"

Treeger frowned. "Well, I don't know about that. I've been trying to get rid of those pests for hours now."

"Yeah, sorry," Joey said, regretting the high price of his fame. "But look, I shaved my beard and brought a disguise for Chandler, so we'd just need you to distract those guys for a minute, okay? We need to sneak out of here and leave town 'cause, uh, Chandler really needs to go see his dad in Vegas."

"His dad, huh?" Mr. Treeger considered that family support might be good in the midst of this scandal, and at least Joey had come prepared with a disguise. So he said, "All right, I'll help. Let me finish here first and think of a good diversion."

"Thanks," Joey said. "Can we go into your apartment, so I can put on Chandler's disguise?"

Treeger agreed, then finished cleaning up the storage room.

Several minutes later, Mr. Treeger went outside and loudly threatened all the reporters and photographers gathered nearby, "Get out of here, or I'll call the police on you for loitering!"

"Hey, we're just doing our jobs!"

"And I'm doing mine. You're blocking the fire exits, and bothering all the residents of this apartment building. So this is your last warning! Go away, before the police get here!" He started to go back inside to make a phone call, but some of the reporters tried to bribe and flatter him into giving them an interview about Joey and Chandler instead.

"They lived here for years. I bet you know all their secrets."

"We'll put you on TV!"

In all the fuss and clamor, Joey and Chandler were able to slip out of the building's side entrance and dash down an alley unrecognized. Then they discreetly headed to the nearby parking garage on Morton where Monica kept the Porsche. Chandler gave him the car keys, and they quickly got inside.

In the driver's seat, Joey shut the door and sighed with relief. He said, "Now we just gotta hope that nobody spots us in this car and follows us. Hey, maybe you should lie down in the back seat? I could cover you with the blanket that Mon keeps in the trunk." He got out of the car again to look in the trunk.

Chandler didn't get up, just shrugging and looking at his fake beard in the mirror. "It's like when I had a goatee." He giggled drunkenly. "Do I look like Satan now?"

Joey returned and said, "Come on, get back there. It won't be too long." He helped Chandler get out, tip the front passenger seat forward, and climb into the back. Then Joey restored the passenger seat to its upright position. "Just lie down and stay quiet, okay?" He pulled the blanket over Chandler's head and closed the door, before walking back to the driver's seat. Soon they drove out of the parking garage, and they seemed to escape unrecognized, with no one following the car.

Joey wanted to take Chandler somewhere that he could eat and possibly nap before going to the airport, so he drove towards Queens to take refuge with his parents. He called his mom on his cellphone to let her know that he was coming, but she warned him that there were still many reporters hanging around the neighborhood.

"Oh. That's going to make it hard to sneak in. Do you think I could go to Cookie's house instead?"

"Well, actually they're starting to stake out your sisters' houses too."

"Oh no. Maybe I shouldn't come home then."

"Probably not. Maybe you should go ahead and drive out of town, Joey. Find a smaller airport that Chandler can fly out of. You need to call his father first anyway."

"Yeah, I guess so. Bye, Ma." Joey hung up, then dialed his home number to let Carl know what was going on.

When the machine picked up, Joey left a message, "Hey, Carl. It's me, Joey. I have to go out of town, and I'm not sure how long I'll be gone."

"Joey?" Carl picked up the phone. "You're leaving town?"

"Yeah, I know it's kind of sudden, but I have to get away from the paparazzi and help Chandler. I don't think I'll be gone longer than a day or two, depending on how far I have to drive. Can you stay at my apartment, or do you have to leave soon?"

"I'm fine. I'm actually gonna have to stay here, because you got my keys. I left them in my coat pocket, and I forgot to take them out before we switched clothes this time."

"Oh right. I thought there was something extra in my pockets."

"Yeah, well, don't lose my keys, 'cause I'll need them when you get back."

Joey got an idea since he had the keys. "Hey, Carl, do you mind if I stop at your apartment to get some stuff before I leave town? Just some food and drinks, so I won't have to stop anywhere on my way out of town."

"All right, I guess so. I'm eating out of your fridge anyway."

"Thanks. Tell me your address and how to get there."

So Joey turned the car around and drove to Carl's apartment in Midtown Manhattan.

* * *

When they got inside and locked the apartment door, Joey sighed with relief. On the way here, he had been paranoid that people might see through their disguises, or that neighbors might ask why they were going into Carl's apartment.

Chandler was still drunk and sleepy, and he started playing with his fake beard again. "It itches."

"Here, I'll take it off you until we leave again." Joey ushered him over to the couch and gently peeled it off, putting it on the coffee table. "Are you hungry now, or do you wanna take a nap?"

Chandler shrugged and glanced around the apartment. "Where are we again?"

"It's Carl's place. Remember Carl? He was gonna play my brother for that twin study, but it didn't work. Anyway, I switched clothes with him so that I could get out my apartment and come find you."

"And you shaved too." Chandler couldn't help touching Joey's bare face again.

Pulling back, Joey coughed and looked away. "Um, so we're gonna hide out here until you feel better and it gets dark. Then we'll go to the airport, and you can fly to Vegas to see your dad, okay?"

"Oh, my dad. I guess I should call him back now."

"Yeah, go ahead." Joey gave Chandler his cell phone, then got up to make a belated lunch for Chandler.

As he dialed and waited, Chandler watched Joey in the kitchen and remembered their kiss in the storage room, wishing that it had ended more happily. Then he wouldn't have to leave and say goodbye to Joey again. It just wasn't fair.

Charles Bing was relieved to hear his son's voice. "I've been so worried, Chandler. Did you talk to your wife yet?"

"Yeah, Monica came home and wanted to talk about my fight with Rachel. I told her that Rachel's a bitch, and she got mad. Then I told her what happened with me and Joey, and that I want a divorce."

"Oh. So you actually said divorce?" Charles winced and remembered his own painful confrontation with Nora over 25 years ago. "How did she take it?"

Chandler shrugged. "Well, she kept trying to make me stay, and pretend like she loved me. But I know all she wants is just somebody to control and have a baby with. I told her I was sick of it, and I left."

"You left? Wait, but didn't you discuss the baby at all?"

"I said that she could keep it, since she wants it so bad." He sighed, "They probably won't need me for anything except for child support, but I'll let her lawyer figure that part out."

"No!" Charles disagreed, "They will definitely need you, Chandler, for more than money. God, if money solved everything, then your mom and I would have had a great divorce! Look, I know that it will be hard for you and Monica to work out the custody, especially with Joey being involved, but it's your baby, and it's too important to just ignore."

"But it's not really my baby, Dad. I mean, yeah, I got her pregnant, but that's all I'm good for. I'm just getting in Monica's way now. She's already got books and books of all the plans that she's worked out for her baby. It's her baby, not ours. There's just no point in me trying to have a say anymore."

"But you have to fight for your rights."

Chandler insisted, "No, I'd probably just screw up the kid and--and pass on the Bing marriage curse again."

"And you don't that think abandoning your baby is going to screw him or her up either?"

"Hey Monica can lie to the kid, and say that Richard's his dad. Or say that she got a sperm donation. She's good at lying; she's been doing it for years."

Given Chandler's emotional state, Charles decided to save the argument for later, and he asked instead, "So then what happened, after you left her, Chandler?"

"I went downstairs to get drunk and smoke some cigarettes."

"You're smoking again? Tell me it wasn't a whole pack."

"It was two. Then I-I took a nap, and Joey found me, and," Chandler lowered his voice and choked up at the memory, "he--he kissed me again."

"He what?!"

"But it was just another damn mistake." Chandler shook his head sadly. "He said he was sorry, but he made me go see Monica and the gang, and they yelled at us. We ran off, then Joey sneaked us out to the car and drove us to--to somebody's place to hide from the reporters."

"So is Joey still there with you?"

"Yeah."

"Can I talk to him?"

"Okay." Chandler called to Joey, "My dad wants to talk to you."

"Really? Um, okay. Just a sec." He hurriedly turned off the stove and served Chandler lunch. "Now you eat all of this." Then he took the phone and said, "Hi, Mr. Bing. It's Joey."

Charles Bing was not quite as warm. "Hi. Um, tell me something, Joey. Is my son just delirious and drunk, or did you actually kiss him again today?"

Joey admitted with guilt, "Um, yeah, I-I did. But it was an accident."

"An accident?" Charles was skeptical. "Why, were you drunk too?"

"Uh, no."

"Then why did you kiss him?"

Joey sighed and walked away to the kitchen, so Chandler couldn't hear. "Well, see, I was worried about him because the gang said that he'd disappeared, and that he'd left Monica. I'd just found him in the storage room, and I was so relieved that I hugged him, you know? Then he woke up and kissed me."

"Oh, he kissed you?" Charles relaxed slightly. "Why didn't you say that? You had me worried, thinking that you were leading him on."

"Leading him on?"

"Yes. I mean, it's strange enough that you kissed him the other day at your apartment. I don't know how you could have gotten so carried away, when you already knew that he loved you."

"But it just was all the gay gossip," Joey insisted, "and he was saying all this crazy stuff... I-I made mistake."

"But you had to know that kissing him was not a smart move, Joey. It just confused Chandler and broke his heart even more when you rejected him again. Surely you remember going through unrequited love yourself, with Rachel? You already let him down easy in L.A., and you should have just left it at that. You should have let him get over you and not moved back to New York at all."

Joey blinked and had to sit down on a chair. "You think so? But--but I was worried..."

"I know you were trying to be a good friend, Joey but you couldn't have saved his marriage that way. You should have called me or his wife first about his confession, so that we could know what was going on and help him. He probably would have wanted the divorce anyway, but at least he wouldn't have tried to avoid his problems by clinging to you."

"I'm sorry." Apparently Mr. Bing agreed with Monica and the gang, that he shouldn't have interfered.

"I'm not saying that you couldn't have visited him or called him, if you were concerned about him. You're his friend. But actually moving back home for him is a drastic step, Joey, and it only encourages his feelings for you. In fact, if Chandler hadn't told me otherwise, I would think that you were actually having an affair with him."

"You--you would?"

"I mean--not to upset you or anything, Joey--but you sleeping in the same bed in L.A., you moving home two weeks later, and you kissing him the other day... It's not comforting; it's inappropriate." Charles wanted to be extra clear, since Joey was often slow to understand things. "Maybe you're not acting this way deliberately, Joey but you shouldn't give him mixed messages. If you don't love Chandler, then it's cruel to tease him with the idea that you might change your mind. I'm glad that you learned your lesson the other day and finally stopped kissing him. If he kisses you again, it's all right to say no. Be firm."

"Uh, okay." Joey frowned and felt guilty, because Mr. Bing had misunderstood him. Chandler had kissed him first, but Joey had kissed him back. He responded again without knowing why. Joey hadn't realized that it was wrong to share the hotel bed in L.A., that it looked bad even to people who weren't gossip reporters.

"Anyway, thank you for taking care of my son, Joey, but I do really think it would be better for him to get a break from you now, all right? So that he can get over you."

"I, um, yeah. Chandler says that he wants to fly out and see you in Vegas. We were thinking we could drive to an out of town airport, and sneak him out without somebody following him."

"Oh? Well, actually, he doesn't have to come to Vegas." Charles told Joey that he had a friend in Atlantic City who would lend them a place to stay for a while. "I can fly there, and hopefully we can hide out, without any reporters getting suspicious. It'll look like I'm meeting with my friend about our burlesque shows."

So they worked out the details of how to meet in Atlantic City. Rather than taking the risk of getting recognized at an airport, Joey would drive Chandler there and meet Charles Bing at his friend's house. Then Joey could drive back to New York.

"You just try to make up with your friends and let me take care of Chandler."

"Okay." Joey said that Chandler would just take a nap until they left tonight.

"Good." Charles said, "If he rests and sobers up, then maybe I can talk some sense into him about leaving his baby."

"Yeah." Joey didn't like Chandler talking about letting Monica raise the baby alone and even lie about the father. "He still thinks that Monica doesn't love him."

"I know." Charles sighed unhappily. "I'm afraid he might be projecting from my marriage to his mother, thinking that every marriage must be a sham. Possibly, he's also gone crazy from loving you so long and hopelessly. Maybe I can get in touch with his old therapist to help him deal with this." Chandler had seen a therapist when he was a child, in the aftermath of his parents' divorce. "Well, I'll see you two tonight. Call me if you have any problems getting to New Jersey."

"Okay, bye." Joey hung up miserably and glanced at Chandler on the couch. Then he called Carl to tell him that he was going out of town tonight, and would be back late tomorrow.

Chandler ate some of the lunch, but he was distracted as he listened to Joey's call.

When Joey hung up again, Chandler asked, "Joey, you gonna come eat with me?"

"Uh, okay." Joey came over and sat beside him. "You feeling better?"

Chandler shrugged. "So we're going to Atlantic City, huh?"

"Uh, yeah. Your dad wants us to meet him there."

Chandler said wistfully, "Remember when we went to Atlantic City, Joe?"

He nodded. The trip was years ago, before Chandler married Monica. "I made you laugh so hard, you threw up a whole steak."

"Yeah. We had a great time. I-I wish I'd kissed you then. I mean, before throwing up."

Joey frowned and said, "But I'm not gay."

"I know. But maybe if I had kissed you then, you still would have wanted to be friends with me, like in L.A. Then I wouldn't be afraid of dying alone, 'cause I wouldn't lose you. Maybe I wouldn't have slept with Monica in London. Maybe she'd be married to Richard now, or maybe you?"

Joey shook his head. "Chandler, I don't want her. Besides, wouldn't--wouldn't you still be jealous of her? Me falling in love with another friend, but not you?"

"No, 'cause she's not Rachel." Chandler still hated her. "She wasn't your roommate, and she's not like..." He sighed and lay down on the arm of the couch, dismissing the painful subject of Rachel's superficial similarities to him. "And maybe Monica wouldn't have to fake it with you and she wouldn't have turned so bitchy, either. She couldn't boss you around, Joe. Maybe you'd be happy and have a family with her. I want you to be happy."

Joey caressed his face. "I want you to be happy, too."

Chandler blinked with tears in his eyes, and he touched Joey's hand softly. He whispered, "Kiss me one last time?"

"What? No." Joey pulled back his hand.

"Please, Joe? Just for goodbye? 'Cause I'm leaving soon, and I don't know if I'll ever see you again."

"No, you will. You're just gonna see your dad for a while."

"No, but I'm not going back to Monica, so I'll probably go with my dad to Vegas or something. And you can't come visit me 'cause of all this gossip."

"But Chandler, you're still my friend. I don't care what people say."

"Will you still call me, Joey? Just sometimes, if you can't do it every day anymore? Help me quit smoking?"

Joey nodded, and touched his face again. "But--but I do wanna see you again. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too." Chandler softly kissed Joey's hand.

Joey didn't pull away, and he looked in Chandler's eyes. He couldn't help it, and he swallowed as he wondered how long Chandler's dad would make him stay away. It would be terrible to worry about Chandler, but not have contact with him. Joey still wanted to help, but according to everybody else, he'd only been making things worse lately.

"Chandler, you--you should get some sleep now. 'Cause we got to drive to New Jersey tonight." Joey finally pulled his hand away and made Chandler sit up.

"Okay." But Chandler still looked into Joey's eyes and half wished that Joey would wake him up with another kiss later.

Joey cleared his throat and took Chandler into the bedroom. Stifling an urge to tuck Chandler in, Joey just turned out the light and said, "Goodnight" even though it was the middle of the afternoon.

"Night, Joe."

Then he shut the door and stood outside it for a moment.

When Joey returned to the living room, he cleared the dishes and turned on the TV to check the news reports. So far the scandal had not escalated any further. Monica certainly wouldn't announce the divorce or Chandler leaving town. Joey sighed and hoped that he could call the gang later when they were calmer.

He restlessly paced around Carl's apartment, and brooded over what Chandler's dad said again. Had he really been teasing Chandler by holding him and kissing him? By simply moving back to New York? Joey still didn't know why he kept kissing Chandler. Were the gang right, saying that Joey was in love with Chandler too? Could he really be gay, or was he just lonely? Was he in denial, or just confused by the rumors?

All Joey knew was that he had to be more careful and not hurt Chandler anymore.


	23. Leaving Town

At Monica's apartment, Ross came back from the balcony and said, "It looks like Treeger was right. He scared away most of the paparazzi, for now."

On the couch, Monica asked sadly, "So they really got away? While Chandler was wearing some fake beard?"

"I guess so. Treeger hasn't seen them since then."

Rachel said irritably, "Oh forget about them! Let's just pack your bags and get out of here while we can."

"Yeah, you can stay with us, and I'll call my divorce lawyer."

Monica couldn't bear to think about the divorce. "I can't--I can't believe this. Chandler's really left me. He just abandoned me and our baby. Oh God, what am I gonna tell Mom and Dad?"

Ross gently offered, "We don't have to tell them yet, Monica. We'll just say that you're hiding out from the scandal right now. Then we'll figure out how to break the truth to them later."

"Yeah, and it's not like they can blame you." By "they" Rachel meant Judy more than Jack. "Joey and Chandler have been lying to you--to all of us--for a long time."

Ross nodded and said, "That's what pisses me off so much! How could Chandler marry you and pretend that he loved you all this time? If he was just in denial, in the closet all this time, that would be one thing. Then I wouldn't blame him anymore than I blamed Carol. But he knew he was gay, and he deliberately did this to you." Some friend Chandler turned out to be.

"And don't forget Joey! They must have been having an affair since L.A. That's why he moved back here, I bet!" Rachel still could not quite believe that Joey would behave this way, when he'd certainly seemed straight before.

Ross shook his head angrily, and went into the bedroom to pack Monica's things. Rachel called Phoebe at work to let her know that they were leaving.

* * *

Meanwhile, Joey turned off Carl's TV and tried to nap on the couch. But he kept thinking about Chandler instead. Joey realized that he had been inappropriate with Chandler long before the gay rumors started, so he could not blame them for his behavior. 

That night at the hotel, Joey had kept embracing and trying to comfort him, even when Chandler wanted to leave, rather than discuss his secret love. Joey felt so upset and worried for him, that he just couldn't let Chandler go. Also, Chandler confessed that he had wanted to kiss Joey when they shared the bed in Monica's guest room, but Joey shared the bed with him again anyway.

In fact, the next morning, Joey pretended to still be asleep and let Chandler kiss him lightly. It seemed like an innocent enough gesture to give to his heartbroken friend before he left L.A. But none of it was really innocent, was it? Joey crossed the line with Chandler way too many times.

Then when Joey kept calling to help him quit smoking, he never told Chandler to stop saying "I love you" to him. Joey should have protested that it made him uncomfortable, but he felt too guilty because it reminded him of his many prank phone calls years ago.

He would call Chandler every Wednesday at his office, then say in a disguised voice, "I love you, Mr. Bing." No longer funny now, the memory became tinged with a painful irony, and it made Joey want to hug Chandler close again.

That was why he really moved back to New York. Joey had told himself that he wanted to help Chandler's marriage, but it was really more of a need to see Chandler in person and to make sure that he was truly all right. Besides, as the others had pointed out, Joey had not talked to anyone else or done anything effective about the marriage for weeks since he moved back. At the very least, he should have tried to talk to Phoebe, since they always used to meet once a month to discuss the gang. She seemed likely to have an objective opinion and would not have been shocked about Chandler's secret.

Clearly, Chandler's dad was right. Joey's motives and actions had been questionable for quite sometime, and Mr. Bing didn't even know the half of it. Joey wondered what Chandler would feel if he knew the truth about those prank phone calls.

* * *

After packing, Ross, Rachel, and Monica left the apartment and headed across the street. As they got Monica settled into the guest room, Ross remembered that Emma was in daycare. 

"I better go pick her up before the paparazzi come back, and it gets impossible for me to get back in."

"Oh, okay. Well maybe you can drop by Phoebe's massage place too, and pick her up. She said she was going to try to get off work this afternoon and come over."

"All right. Monica, I'll borrow your Porsche." He grabbed his keys and took the baby seat to strap into the back of the car.

However, Ross arrived at the parking garage too late. He called Monica and told her that the car was gone. "So unless somebody stole it..."

"Joey and Chandler took it when they snuck out?"

Rachel was pissed. "They're taking your car to Vegas? The nerve of those bastards!"

"I hope they get caught," Ross said. It was a long drive to Vegas after all. "I guess I'll take the bus to pick up Emma."

He also called Phoebe to tell her about his change of plans. "I can't believe they took the Porsche!"

Phoebe said. "Well, they had to sneak away from the paparazzi fast, so they wouldn't get recognized. But I don't think they'd drive all the way to Vegas. They're in a hurry, and Joey's always falling asleep on road trips. Maybe they're just going to the airport, and Joey will bring the car back soon."

"He better! But what if he's going with Chandler to Vegas? Maybe they're going to hide out from the reporters and leave us stuck with this mess."

"Oh, I don't think so. I think it's just temporary, and Chandler wouldn't really leave his baby like that. I'm sure he just snapped, and he'll come to his senses soon. Besides, from what Rachel said, Chandler hadn't eaten anything for a while and he was pretty drunk."

Ross wasn't willing to give Chandler the benefit of the doubt yet. "Yeah, well he wasn't drunk when he married Monica, or got her pregnant! And apparently he and Joey have been having an affair since L.A."

"No, no!" Phoebe disagreed. "They couldn't have done that right under our noses. Joey would feel too guilty, and I'd notice that."

"Sure!"

"No really. I mean, I noticed all along that Chandler was gay. You'd have to be blind not to see that, and when he's around Joey--whoa!"

Ross said, "We always joked about that, but I never took it seriously."

"Yes you did."

"What?"

"Yeah, remember when Joey first disappeared, and Chandler started smoking again, and hired a detective and started sleeping in the guest room? You and Monica got really worried about that."

Ross frowned and sighed. "Yeah, but--but we thought it was something new. That he had just now realized how he felt. Something like that. Maybe we could have handled it, if that was the truth. But then Chandler started acting normal again and he quit smoking for a while. So we thought everything was all right, you know?"

"It was all right because he'd found Joey, obviously. Joey promised to call him too, so he felt better after L.A. But boy, he was just ecstatic when Joey moved back home!"

"Phoebe, if you really saw this, then why didn't you say anything to Monica or us? Why didn't you stop them from cheating?"

"Because they weren't cheating!" she insisted. "Well, maybe it was emotional cheating, but Joey wasn't reciprocating as much as Chandler was. He was mostly just worried about Monica and the baby. I mean, he even asked Monica the other day whether she loved Chandler! So I think that Joey did really want to help their marriage, but he didn't know what to do and it got out of control."

Ross doubted it, and he repeated, "You should have said something, if you knew what was happening."

"I've said stuff plenty of times! You guys just don't pay attention. Anyway, I'll talk to you guys later. You gotta pick up Emma, and I gotta get off work."

"Fine."

"Oh. Hey, maybe I could pick you guys up in my cab?"

"Uh, no thanks, Pheebs." Not only was Phoebe a bad driver, but her late grandmother's taxicab had no seat belts. "Why don't you just go meet the girls at the apartment? I'll be there soon."

"Okay."

* * *

That evening, Joey went to wake up Chandler for the road trip. He knocked and stood in the doorway. 

Somewhat hungover, Chandler didn't know where he was at first, so Joey reminded him that they were at Carl's place.

"Oh. Right." Chandler sighed and sat up slowly. He realized that he must really be sober now, since Joey wasn't kissing him anymore.

Joey said awkwardly, "Uh, you better use the bathroom before we leave for New Jersey." He pointed out the door.

"Okay." Chandler went inside to pee, and wash up. He didn't want to borrow Carl's toothbrush, so he rinsed out with the mouthwash instead.

Joey started to make the bed, hoping that Carl wouldn't mind that Chandler had slept in his room. "Oh wait." He went to get the fake beard from the living room. "Hey, Chandler, put this on. I don't want us to get recognized."

"All right." Chandler opened the door and took the disguise.

Joey started to leave for the kitchen, to pack some snacks and drinks, but Chandler called out to him. "Uh, Joe?" The beard had lost its stickiness and would not stay on. "It won't stick anymore."

"Really? Are you doing it right?" Joey came into the the bathroom to help him put it on.

"What? There are special instructions?"

"Hold still." He turned Chandler away from the mirror and started patting the beard onto his face. But he looked into Chandler's eyes and caught his breath, realizing how close they were standing.

Chandler felt the tension as well, and for a moment wondered whether he was dreaming again.

Joey caressed his skin lingeringly, until he finally leaned in and kissed his lips.

Stunned, Chandler could not believe it was real. Then he thought that Joey was giving him the one last kiss that he asked for, so he closed his eyes and savored it.

Afterward, Chandler started to softly say thank you, but Joey suddenly cut him off with another, hotter kiss.

Chandler blinked in confusion and caught his breath. "What--what are you doing?"

"I-I don't know. I just..." Joey hungrily backed him against the door this time. His hands cupped Chandler's face, and the beard fell away completely, but neither of them cared.

With a moan, Chandler kissed him back and hoped that the third time was the charm. He clung to Joey and whispered, "Tell me, tell me this isn't a mistake, Joe. Not again."

Joey met his eyes, but felt lost. "I-I don't know what this means. I've never been... gay before." He still couldn't think of himself that way, and yet he couldn't help kissing Chandler either. It felt so good.

"But it's not just the gossip?" Chandler begged.

Joey shook his head and admitted, "No, uh... no, it's not that. I mean, I kept touching you back in L.A., before all this. And I told you that I was gonna stay there, but I moved back anyway, 'cause I had to see you."

"You did?"

"Yeah. It must be you, Chandler. Or, uh, me. Both of us, I guess."

Chandler smiled and liked the sound of "us."

Joey continued, "I'm sorry for what I said before. I shouldn't have hurt you and jerked you around. It's just, this scares me, Chandler. You're my best friend, and I thought I was straight."

Chandler searched his face for sincerity. "I-I was scared too, Joe, when I first had feelings for you. 'Cause I didn't want to be gay like my dad, and I always, like, denied it whenever I got drunk and kissed guys in college... And you know I freaked out when people at work thought I was gay."

Joey nodded and took his hand. "So you forgive me?"

"Yeah." Chandler squeezed his hand and kissed him happily. "I love you."

Joey hesitated. "I-I don't know yet." He did love Chandler deeply as a friend, but this part was new.

"It's okay. You don't have to say it back." Chandler put his arms around Joey. "Just tell me that you want me, Joe. You really want me."

Joey nodded and kissed him reassuringly. "I want you."

Chandler returned the kiss with pleasure. They made out passionately and pressed against the door again. Joey accidentally pushed him against the knob, but Chandler only laughed goodnaturedly.

"Come here." He drew Joey back into the bedroom and sat them on the bed, where they resumed kissing with a sigh. Chandler wanted to touch Joey too, running fingers through his hair and pulling at his clothes. Joey moaned and explored Chandler tentatively, until Chandler started to lay them down on the bed.

This was too bold for Joey, who pulled away and nervously said, "Wait, uh... I don't think Carl would like it if we had sex on his bed."

Chandler grinned and started to get up. "Then let's go to your apartment."

"Uh..." Joey blushed. "We won't be able to sneak in. And what about your dad? We were gonna meet him in Atlantic City."

"Oh, right." Chandler had forgotten. He said with a smile, "Then maybe we should call him and tell him the good news."

Joey said, "Yeah, but I think we should still go see him, 'cause you still need his help. Like maybe he knows a good divorce lawyer, and can give you advice about the baby." He looked at Chandler seriously, "You're not really gonna leave your baby, are you?"

Chandler frowned. Now that he was sober, he did regret his hasty words. "I-I was just so sick of Monica's lies, and I wanted to get out of there!" He sighed and shook his head. "But it's too late to fix it now."

"No it's not, Chandler. You gotta try to work something out."

"How? I can't go back there, and she's probably already calling up Richard to come over."

"She doesn't love Richard anymore."

Chandler scoffed at that idea, and he rationalized to himself, "Maybe my kid would be better off without me anyway. I'd screw him or her up just like my parents screwed me up."

"No, no, it doesn't have to be that way, Chandler. Ben turned out okay, right? Your kid's not even gonna be born for three more months, so you got time to get through the worst part of the divorce. Maybe we can make up with Monica somehow."

Chandler didn't think so. "But there would still be this whole scandal, you know." He remembered his parents' ugly, drawn out divorce. "We'd just make it worse with a custody dispute. Better to give her a quick divorce and go. You know, like what you said about getting phased out of the gang. A clean break will hurt less."

"No, Chandler! This is your kid. You can't just phase yourself out of his life. Your kid's gonna need you. Monica too."

Chandler said, "Monica doesn't need anything but her damned baby book! Besides, she's got Ross and the whole gang, if she just doesn't trust Richard yet."

Joey got upset by his stubbornness. "Chandler! Come on, this is why I said it was a mistake before. 'Cause I can't take you leaving your family for me. Not after Rach--"

Chandler scowled at her name and stood up, feeling ready to storm out. "So what, you changed your mind again, Joe? You don't want to be with me? You risked her family with Ross, but if it's me, I'm not worth it?"

"No, Chandler! I want you, but I don't want you to wreck your family. I'm not worth that."

Chandler came back to the bed and said softly, "You are."

Joey was touched, but he shook his head. "No, family's more important. That's why I wanted Ross to stick around with Emma. He belongs in her life and Ben's. I mean, I know that there's no use in trying to save your marriage anymore, Chandler. I get that now, but don't throw away your family too. You'll regret it for the rest of your life. I mean, you weren't happy all those years that you weren't talking to your dad, right?"

Chandler said, "Yeah, I should have made up with him before. But listen, maybe someday I'll get to talk to my kid too, and I can make him understand and hopefully forgive me. But even if that doesn't happen, I just want to be with you, Joey." He touched Joey's arm and leaned on his shoulder. "Please. We could be happy, just the two of us."

Joey said with difficulty, "You--you shouldn't pin all your hopes on me, Chandler. I-I told you that I don't know what I feel, what this means, with us. I've never been gay before, and I don't know if I can really do it." Already he found the prospect of sex scary. "I mean, maybe I'm still on the rebound or something. Maybe you and me wouldn't last longer than any of my straight relationships."

Chandler looked wounded. "But can't you try, Joey? Just try, at least? I mean, even if we don't last forever, if we only have a couple of months... that would be more than I ever thought we'd have. I thought you were straight too, Joey. I'll understand if you change your mind later, but why can't we have right now?"

Joey turned to Chandler with relief and hugged him close. Chandler had taken the pressure off him, and Joey kissed him gratefully. "I'll try, for you."

Chandler started to kiss him back, but Joey interrupted.

"Will you try something for me?"

Chandler was surprised and confused. "Yeah. What?"

"Will you try to hang onto your baby?"

"But Joey--"

"Please, Chandler. It's your kid, and he needs you. Monica too. I know you don't believe me, but you gotta try at least. Just try for me."

Chandler realized now the parallel in their bargain, which was a smart move on Joey's part. So with a sigh, Chandler gave in. "Okay. I-I can try I guess."

Joey nodded. "Yeah. It's not too late. You still got time before the baby's born. We should call your dad for help too."

"All right." Chandler still thought the effort was useless, but he did look forward to telling his father the good news.

Unfortunately, when they told him over speakerphone, Charles Bing was more skeptical of the news. "What? Are you sure, Joey? You're not just leading him on again?"

"Uh, no--"

Chandler interrupted, "No, Dad, we're really together now. He was just scared about the gay stuff."

Joey added, "Yeah, and I was worried about his kid. But now he's gonna try to make up with Monica, and be there for the baby. Do you know a good divorce lawyer?"

Charles said, "Well, I can see if my old lawyer is still practicing. Some of my friends have had more recent divorces too."

"Good."

Charles still didn't trust Joey's change of heart. "But I really want to make sure that you're sincere about this, Joey. You've kissed him before, and I don't want you to toy with his feelings. I mean, just think about how Rachel broke your heart--"

Chandler muttered, "Bitch."

Joey answered, "No, I know. I don't want to hurt him either. We talked about whether I'm on the rebound, but I do want to be with him. I want to try for Chandler."

Charles Bing wondered whether Joey was unconsciously trying to just make Chandler happy, or if he was doing this to just to convince Chandler to fight for his custody rights. He could not tell over the phone, and he wanted to observe them in person.

"Well, are you still coming to Atlantic City? I still want to see Chandler and talk about the divorce. Maybe he can learn from all my mistakes. I'd like to see you too, if you want any advice on the scandal, even if it's twenty-five years old..."

"Uh, yeah. I'd like some help too." Joey worried that it would be weird to talk to Chandler's dad about sex, but maybe Charles would refer him to another gay friend instead.

"Good. So I'll see you both soon."

"Okay."

"Bye, Dad." So they cleaned up Carl's apartment and packed food for the road trip.

Charles hung up with a sigh. He hoped that Joey was sincere, or else he would have to take Chandler away to Vegas for his own good, to get over Joey.


End file.
